ugh

I hate this... I like a guy, that I'm not supposed to like but he's the one that's always been there for me when I needed him.he's the one that makes me feel good, and when I'm with him, everything just clicks.. he tells me that if i need him at any time to just call, and to not care what time it is. He tells me that he's there for me, and can really mean what he says when he's talking to me. We may be in the same emo boat, but he's handling it like he would've wanted someone to handle it with him. he's the reason why i do what i do, though... when i see him, i freak inside, and i just want to be in his arms, but i know that i can't... the reason being you may ask? I have a boyfriend. Sure, Matt's nice and all, but he;s really not helping me with my attacks. when i see him, he just gives me a sad look that says "i wish you wouldn't cut, it makes me sad"... but wen Jeff looks at me he's saying "I don't want to see you go down the road that i have traveled, I'll help you, but I need you to try and stop" Jeff and I have a lot of stuff in common, too, and through everything that I've put him through, i know that he still cares about me the way that i care about him. and now, all of a sudden, my mum starts to care about what I'm doing, or about my feelings... when the hell did she start to care about what i did???!!!!!!

whatever... i really don't want this shit... i want to be in Jeff's arms, to smell him again, and i know that he wants it too, i just need to figure out what I'm gonna do with Matt...... i can't just dump him, because that would tear me apart even more... I can't think of another way to deal with my pain, though... i have a lot of issues... don't judge me.