Sorry... I'm so sorry

I want to say sorry
I'm sorry for making you sad
I'm sorry for making you worry
I'm sorry for putting myself before you
I'm sorry for being distant
I'm sorry for disgracing you
I'm sorry for making you cry
I'm sorry for everything
but most of all, I'm sorry for falling in love with you
I know that it may be selfish,
but all of my problems deal with love
If i never loved you, i might have never hurt you
if I never hurt you, you might be happier
I might see you smiling more than worrying about me
I might not be there, but i think i wouldn't be as sad
I might still be lusting,
but i wouldn't have caused you the pain that i have caused both of us
I still would've cut, but you might never have started to worry
if i never kissed you last year, we never would be here


but...
If i never kissed you last year, we never would be here
we wouldn't be dreaming about little Eli and Annabelle, and dreaming of our wedding
we wouldn't be totally in love, and i could stop thinking about you some times,
we wouldn't hang out like we do, and I'd be miserable in classes with you and him...
I wouldn't know your Dad or mom, and know how loving they can be,
and how great they are... I wouldn't know anything
I'd still be trying to impress you in Home Room, and trying to fit in...
I would probably get high more, and cut a hell of a lot more,
and I'd probably not care about a lot less than i do today
I never would've had such a great time last year on the last day of skool
i wouldn't be planning Prom night with you
and i wouldn't even know how great of a friend Abby is, or know Arabic...
I'd probably have a lot more sleepless nights without Beary,
and I'd have spent a lot less time on the phone at camp


I'm sorry that i did everything, but I'm not sad at the results... I'm sad with the way I'm fucking everything up... you say that I'm not a screw up... then why do i feel like that? why do i feel like nothing i can do will ever be good enough for my step-dad, and why will i always feel like my daddy went away because of something that i did?? My life is spiraling out of control to the tune of my melancholy heart, and you just aren't in the melody...