I Hate This

This is how i feel my relationship with 'Him' is...
it used to be something beautiful, and something that some people envied... our friendship was important to me... but now... it's dead... and is just another thing that has died in my life... nothing will ever go right for me... I feel like I'm destined to live my life without feeling like the world revolves around me... i feel like whenever i get close enough to feel me doing that to my self, or to someone else... i do something stupid that completely shoots me far out to left field... it's just like i can't be what people expect from me... and as much as i don't want to... i always end up hurting those around me...

maybe I'm just better off not living, not breathing, not taking up space... it makes the most sense... i would have killed myself a log time ago... if it weren't for Matt... he loves me, and i love him... he's the only thing that's going right in my life these days... He isn't talking to me, but i still can't help feeling completely safe between the two of them... i know that he would probably screw me over like i have done to him so many times before, but i still trust him with my life... why do people do that?

Why do people trust those who can probably hurt them the most? i mean... why do i still love Him... when i know that i shouldn't... why does my heart break every time that i see Him laugh, or even crack a genuine smile... why do i obsess about that dream that i had? and keep having... ya... i dreamt it again last night... i just chose not to tell Matt... because he doesn't like me talking about Him... i still love Him... but it's just as a friend... i know that I've said that about Matt... but i did some real soul searching today... and I realized something... I can't help how i feel... these 2 guys both have rooms in my heart... it just happens that Matt has a more lavish room, but Jeff is comfortable in his room too... i don't know... i guess i should get to sleep... because as it nears 11 o'clock at night, i find myself hoping that i have skool tomorrow... whatever...

~Baby