Issue of the night?

i have no idea what happened to updating this every week... or even bi-weekly... but i don't care... i've finally got someone who loves me for me...

Anyway... the reason for this post...

i'm up at almost 2 in the morning, and all i can think about is my dad...
Yes... Daddy... the one who left me forever at the tender age of 8... I just don't know what to say about him... but i really feel like i sort-of have a rant coming on...

"He left me, and for a little while, i was fine. but now I need you to be here by my side. I'm not that little girl, i was a long time ago. I'm growing up so fast now..."

Lyrics to a song that i wrote... i think that they're completely fitting... Although... Daddy didn't walk out... but he did choose to leave me... it's not like an act of God could have made him do what he did... dammit... i always try and make these things as vague as i can... but when i'm talking about this... i just can't... I wish that he was here so i could tel him all of the things that he's missed. I wish that he had been here to see me "graduate" 8th grade, to meet my first real boyfriend, to see me through the heartbreak of a break-up... to meet Matt... to help me through October, but most of all... i just wish that i had a father-figure to help me through those bad times, and to catch me before i fell. I think that if he'd been around... i wouldn't be HALF as fucked up as i am... just because a ton of my issues come from Daddy leaving... including why October is a Toxic month for me. I don't think that my life would have been better... but i do think that a lot of the hardships that i've been through i wouldn't have gone through if he'd been alive...

If i had just one wish, i would wish to see my dad right before he left, and warn him about how life was going to be for others if he did leave... i would tell him about all of the bad times that Angela, my mother, his family, and mostly... I would face because he was gone... i would tell him/show him my arm, and tell him that it was his fault... because he abandoned me... then i would have him meet Jeff... the only guy that i trust with my life, my heart, my soul, and my body... The only guy that i can ever imagine spending the rest of my life with... and i would tell Daddy that he wasn't able to see me get married because he was gone... forever...

I feel like i'm going to be sick. and my head hurts... i'll finish this tomorrow @ Skool... during rehearsal... if i remember to bring my laptop... if not... you'll get it later tomorrow...