people all mourn differently... some mourn by making out with strangers who might possibly be their relatives at the wake of the deceased. Others may take a drive, and end up at a sentimental place for that person and the person who has passed. Most of the time, though... at any wake... you'll see a bunch of people crying, and telling stories about this time and that time with the "dearly beloved"... that's not what i do...
at my dad's funeral... i was the only dry eye (that was related to him) in the entire funeral home... same thing at my grandfather's and grandmother's... but you can be sure that i was crying in my bed every night after i heard the news... and even up to a week after the funeral... i feel like i have no soul when i go to things where everyone else is crying...
if i'm trying to make someone else feel better over a loss... the only thing that i know how to do is to either:
a) distract them, and make them laugh, or
b) just hold them, and tell them that everything is going to be okay...
i feel like neither of these methods work very well... my mother did these things with me... she also said the whole "people die, kids get over it" thing... i just don't get my mother any more these days...
i tell her that i've got issues... and not even 10 min after i've told her... she's trying to get me to laugh, or blaming me for doing something wrong, or telling me that i'm just trying to get attention... Not once has she actually tried to get me help, other than when i didn't need it... not once has she really cared about how my day went, or about what me and Kare are doing... Not once has she genuinely asked me how my day went... she's just going through the motions... and the sad thing is is that i'm her first child... i'm NOT her last, but i am her girl... i'm not HER Angel... i'm Kare's Angel... she tells me all of this stuff that she wants me to do for college, and when i tell her that i've found the campus that i want to go to... she doesn't even hear me... she doesn't ask about it at all... she just pretends that i'm going to go to Messiah still and so that she can visit... BULL SHIT!... i'm going to the University Of Windsor with Kare... we're getting out of the US... and headed up north...
M mother is just going through the motions nowadays... she's pretending that she's there, but really... she's just a stranger that i share a house with... she doesn't really care about what i do... as long as i get a job, so i can pay for my own stuff... she doesn't care... and when i try and tell her that she's not paying any attention to me, she plays the "work card"... and blames me for her having to get a second job... it's not my fault that the Real Estate buisness is down, it's not MY fault that it's not paying that much... it's not MY fault that she has a cruddy job at HOme Depot... and yet... whenever i say that she isn't paying any attention to me, or anything like that... she ALWAYS finds a way to blame me...
i don't know what else i can say... i wish that i couold more in with my Kare tomorrow... but i can't... i guess that's it for now...
~Angel
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