Gnawing Truth

Ever since you said something yesterday... I haven't been able to get it out of my mind...

"You were addicted to Pain killers."

I can't stand that I was hooked on them... but... what you said/how you said it held a truth. They were such a big part of my life... and... I gave them up... for you. When I used to wake up in the morning, and wasn't able to really concentrate without taking a hand-full of pills. I was a druggie... and... I am just sooo scared that I'll relapse... I live by this rule... and I Know that you've heard me say it before:

"The 13th step is ALWAYS Relapse."

I live by it, and I am sooo terrified that I'm going to completely lose it one of these days and I'm going to slip up and REALLY mess up. I'm sorry that I feel like that... but... I do feel like I'm going to completely fall back into my dark spiral. I can't even begin to tell you how scared I am... but... I know that you'll be there to help me when I'm feeling down... I know that you will be there to help me when I'm feeling like I'm going to completely lose it. I know that you are always there for me, and that you will always help me when I need your help. It's been bothering me, and has completely eating at my mind... but... I'm sure that you will be able to make my mind feel better tonight/tomorrow morning...

I Love You Kare Bear... I want you to know that... and I'll do anything to not fall back into that bad shame spiral that I was in... even if that means that I have to admit myself to some place that is safe... where you can still see me every/every other day...