No One Knows

Printing a few of my chapters of my novelette, it made me feel better. Getting everything together... it's been making me feel better.

Someone that doesn't know the history that I've had with... let's call him "The Enemy"... doesn't know what has happened. They don't know why I've acted the way that I have towards him, and they don't know why I said what I said. These people don't know why I've had to cut him out of my life completely. They don't know how much I used to care about him, but now when I think about him, all I get is a knot in my stomach and it's filled with wanting to just slap him across the face, even if he's done nothing wrong. They don't know that he's changed so much, and that he was the one that made me worse. They don't know that he was the one that let me keep staying loud, annoying and generally just what I was trying to let everyone else see for so many years.

No one knows why we used to act the way we did, and no one understands how we used to talk to each other. No one understands what happened last time that we talked, and no one will ever know, besides Kare, because he read it... That was the last time that we talked, and i haven't gone back since... I sent him one e-mail telling him that everything was over. He responded because I wanted to know if he had any questions. After he said no, I said goodnight, and got offline. Shooting dirty looks is the only thing that I feel that I can do these days to make him uncomfortable. I want him to stay as far away from me as he can, and till he is never there, as in next year, I don't know what I'm going to do without Kare.

I Love Kare, more than I have ever loved someone else. Looking back at the time... I now know that I tricked myself into falling in love with The Enemy. I thought that I was in love with him because he was cute, he was nice, and he was there for me. I was wrong, though. He wasn't there how I needed him to be there for me, and I could always see myself without him in my life. I never knew that I wasn't being myself. I was trying to be what he wanted me to be, to make him happy, so I could have stability and what I thought I needed in a relationship. I thought that I needed someone to be there for me who would just make me push past all of my troubles, but that only allowed me to push them under the rug, and to run away from them.

I've been needing to face my problems head-on for years, and The Enemy never let me do that. He only let me be what he wanted me to be. He put me on this pedestal and didn't let me down. It was only till I came crashing down that he saw me for who I really was. It was only till I crashed down to earth that everything became real for me. It was only till I crash-landed that I saw what I had been doing for FAR too long. It wasn't till I made a mess of everything that I could start taking control of my life again, whether that was in a destructive or helpful way, I just started to take control of my life however I wanted to.

Woah, I don't even know where I wanted this to go... but... i think that i've been writing this long enough... I hope that everything is taken care of tomorrow. So that everything can go seamlessly on Friday!!