100th Post

Wow... my 100th post... and I'm gonna have it be a fucking rant...

Crazy gram has been seeing me for the past 2 days... I hate her, end of story. She has had kidney issues, and her doctors told her to do this, and do that to stay ALIVE... she's gained at least 75lbs since i remember her as someone i wanted to spend time with. She has gone all over New England and in doing that has completely lost her grip of reality. She is broke from all of this traveling and she is wearing her husband, my Grandpa, down. He has had to come out of retirement to "support" her and this life which she thinks is completely normal. She comes to my house the other night and she completely is everywhere. She is doing this and this. She is cleaning out her purse, looking for crappy birthday gifts
(ok... some of the things that she got me i REALLY like... like the necklace I was wearing today and will be wearing tomorrow... but other than that... it's a bunch of crap that only she thinks is ok to give me...)
and other stuff ike that. Then, when we finally sit down, and she starts to give me my gifts, and talk, and be "normal" she starts cramming Jesus down my throat... AGAIN!!!

Ever since I can remember my grandmother has been VERY spiritual, and i'm totally fine with that... it's when she makes me go to church, or forces my mum to go and she makes me go that bothers me. I worship in my own way, in my own time, and she will never really realize that. A Lot of people don't realize that I am SOOOOO uncomfortable in a church. I'd rather be in the middle of the woods with my iPod, meditating and taking in the wonders of this earth than listen to a sermon.
I hate conforming to the standing, singing, sitting, listening, standing to greet your neighbor and not knowing them and having that be awkward, sitting again, listening, standing, singing, sitting, listening, then standing to "leave" which is really having to socialize for 20 minutes before you go home...
Don't get me wrong... in the right environment (Chop Point) I am very "bible oriented"... but when i'm not choosing to be there, and i'm forced... then have to think about stuff, and have to talk about it later... i HATE it... I hate being forced to do anything... but going to church is top on my list.

My grandmother once forced me to go to church, and i had a huge fight with her about me not wanting to go... I went, to get her to shut up, but we soon left every church that we went to because she didn't like it... After that day, she's never forced me to do anything that I didn't want to do... but those around her have, especially my mum.

Tonight, after my shower, i went downstairs and gave my mum and grandpa a hug goodnight. My grandmother was pre-occupied with my dog, and also she's changed so much that she's a complete stranger to me. I've made it a goal in my life not to hug strangers, but when my mother called me back downstairs, I knew that it was to give her a hug... I did, because I didn't want to threaten to call Crisis on her, and have to admit to her about how I know them so well... but it was quick. After that I went upstairs and continued to get ready for bed, and my grandpa came up... he said that I should be better to her, and I said "i've made it a thing not to hug strangers, and that's who she is these days. I hate it, but I don't know her at all," and unless she is willing to go somewhere and get professional help, i'm not sure if that will ever change... By go somewhere, i mean admit herself to a mental hospital... but she'll never do that... because she's already too sick in the head to do anything... and the fucking state will side with the mentally ill in a case like this so we can only call Crisis if she is doing harm to herself... I wish that my mum would... but she's too proud to do that... and they won't take my word because i'm only 17...

gah!... it's quarter-past-10, and i've got school in the morning... grrr... and i'm Really tired too...

i've needed to get this off of my chest for a while... so... i feel better...

~Angel