fuck this life

I feel like I’m going crazy, and I can’t do anything about it. I keep hearing this voice in my head, and the only thing that I can do to ignore it/make it quiet down is to blare the music in my head, behind the screams, into my head even more with my iPod. I feel like I’m losing all touch with reality. I am just faking the happy niceness that everyone expects from me, but I really just feel sick to my stomach about everything. Everything that is, except Ethan. He makes me feel a little better. He makes me feel even happy sometimes. School isn’t the place for me right now. 1 because of the teachers, and class. 2 because of the people. Ok. Maybe just 1 person in particular. Jeff, it’s always Jeff. He isn’t even in my life any more, and he’s still driving me insane. He can still run my life. He can still make me feel like I’m going to be sick. He still bothers me so much. Peter says it’s because I’m letting him get to me. Peter says that the screaming that I’m hearing is my subconscious, and I’m letting it “become” my Daddy. I don’t believe him. It is Daddy, I can feel it. The things that he tortures me with, the words that pierce into my thoughts, the insults that will hurt more than any cut ever could, they drive me insane. I try and just ignore him, but every time I do, he gets louder. I turn up the music as I slowly slip more and more into insanity. I won’t have my laptop for much longer because the battery is running low. It can just about make it through 2 classes. It is the same with me. I can make it through 2 classes before I start feeling so crazy that I’m about to burst. I have to get out of this prison that the government says that I have to go to till June. I’m stuck here. I can’t go anywhere without asking permission. I can’t do anything outside, because I don’t have my car, and don’t have their stupid, precious privileges. I could just walk out now, but soon they would come looking for me. I could just go into the bathroom and do something stupid, but I promised Matt and Ethan that I 1: would stay alive and in Maine till graduation, and 2: wouldn’t do anything stupid (a.k.a. cut, or anything like that.) Also, Peter would call the men in the nice white, long coats to take me away to a place where I wouldn’t hurt myself any more. I wouldn’t mind it, but I know that they would make a big scene of it, and it wouldn’t end up nicely for me. I would probably get a sedative, and then wake up in this white room, padded (for my protection against myself), and in some form of sweats that would make me look even fatter than I am already. I haven’t eaten anything since last night, and my stomach is starting to feel that familiar pang that I’d grown to love. That was before Peter called me the “A-word”… and I had eaten an entire order of Lo-Mein just to spite him. After that my stomach didn’t like me too much. He screamed at me for days, and made me sick. My stomach is a man. Everything in my life, besides the obviously female parts of my body, is male. I don’t know why they are, but they eventually all become male. Again, Peter says that it’s because of Daddy. I have no idea about anything these days. I mean I know that 2 and 2 is 4, and that a knife in my hands doesn’t end up well for my leg. But other than that I don’t really know what I’m still doing here. If I had succeeded 2 months ago… how would things have played out? Who would have missed me? Who would have cared? I mean really cared, not the fake “oh, someone died. She wasn’t popular, or well known or even liked that much, but we should show sympathy” caring. Essentially I do feel like a HUGE part of me did die that day, that epic night actually. That time I DIDN’T want to wake up in the morning. I know that I should care now, but I still find it really hard to. I should feel ecstatic to be with my friends again, and to be able to see Ethan again, but all I can see is Jeff. It’s bad. I feel like I’m going to be sick when I see him and Zoya. I just don’t really know what to do/say. We need to start being able to work together. I know that he wouldn’t like to have to miss a production because I was stage managing it.