Happy New Year?

Sitting here, 4 days into my graduating year. Less than 6 months till I'm 18, and less than 10 till i go off to college. I have no real direction, except towards the theater. I will soon be managing/directing 2 shows at one time, and I'm soon going to be just about ready to be going crazy over 2 scripts, 2 casts, and 2 stages that I have to safety check and everything else like that. I am so paranoid these days. I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I can't really laugh... i mean REALLY laugh any more these days. Ethan does make me happy, but i just really don't know what to do these days. I don't know who i can turn to, because Ethan doesn't understand. I mean, he gets that i'm paranoid about everything. bue i haven't been able to tell him that i'm hearing my Daddy's voice screaming at me in my head always. i haven't been able to tell him that he's screaming horrible things at me. and no matter what i do, i feel like it's the wrong thing. I feel so horrible about everything in my life, except for him. Ethan is the 1 thing in my life that seems to be going right at all these days. He makes me feel so good, but i can't feel REALLY good if i'm always getting screamed at. I feel like i am always holding in tears, and i'm trying so hard to not cut, to not release this pain, not to hide my hurt from the world, and place it onto my leg instead. I've been good. i don't know how much longer i can be this good, though.