More utter nothingness

it's been over a month. I've got a new boyfriend. i started cutting again. I can't stop feeling like i'm completely going crazy. i can't feel happy when i'm with Ethan, can feel happy when i'm with anyone else. Can't help myself, and no one else can help me. no one can help me because i don't know how to help myself. i feel like i'm spiraling back down to where i was. I hate the fact that even though i want to change, and do things that i have always wanted, and that i want to do again... i just can't bring myself to do it. I can't bring myself to have sex, to fall in love, to want to get married, to want to have kids. I can't bring myself to do it because i don't want to get hurt again. Jeff was a deep cut, and was probably my first really deep cut too. i cried so hard when he cut me off, and I did such stupid things... I am just seeming so hopeless... what if i didn't wake up in the morning? would anyone even notice?