Oh My!

Oh wow. it's been such a long time since I've been able to write on this. I really have been having such a Great Time! Ethan and I have been together for 7 months on Friday, and we're doing Great!!! I'm Soooooo Glad that I didn't go through and kill myself when The Bastard (aka Jeff) broke up with me. I'll admit, I was in a Very Dark place when Ethan found me, and swept me up, and saved me from Everything Bad! It was Sooo Great that He's Sooo Amazing! I Can't believe how amazing he is. He is Soooo Thoughtful, caring, sweet, generous, and SOOOOOOO PERFECT!!! I Love Him Sooo Much!!! The pic above is of him when he was little. He Was Soooooo Cute, and Is EVEN CUTER Now!!!! I just can't believe how happy i am now, and how great he is for me. He knows what I need, and I know what He needs almost automatically. It's Sooo PERFECT!! We're Perfect!!! I Love Him Soooooo Much!!!

updating...

my back is killing me, but I'm doing better than I was with the whole "Jeff thing"... I haven't seen him on my radar at all since we had an epic falling out a few weeks ago. that's the last that I'm ever going to really say his name. I'm referring to him as "Evil One" these days...

Ethan is amazing. I Love Him. I really, truly do. I've never been sooo happy with anyone before him. He treats me good, looks after me, and his parents are nice too. I pick him up every morning before school, and we talk before school starts. We talk about just about everything. Everything about him makes me smile, and I want to be with him all the time. At night, we talk till either he has to go to bed, or I have to take a shower. We have a lot in common, even though we don't hang with the same friends all the time. We do a lot together, and it's so nice having him love me for me. It's amazing to not have to worry about what I do, because I know that he won't get upset as long as I tell him the truth.

I do tell him to the truth all the time now. I haven't even thought about lying to him since we had our little "fight/breakup" about a week ago. It destroyed me that I lied to him. It makes me soooo upset that i made him upset with my lying, but I've changed, I really have. Because I Love Ethan, and I want to be with him for as long as he'll have me. (Which I REALLY hope is close to Forever.)

I really have been bad at keeping writing. I have just tried to stay busy, but it's really hard to stay busy, sane, rested, and nice. All while keeping up with writing. I'm just sooo tired, and everyone really seems to be bothering me when I'm like this. Especially Matt. He's just... ugh, I don't really know how to act around him. I don't love him any more... but he's just bothering me still... I just really don't know what to do with myself these days, other than stay away from Matt, because it's just too weird. Idk what I'm going to do, but I know that things are going to get better because he is talking to me again.

I guess that that's it. I have an AMAZING boyfriend, whom I Love; I have been really busy, tired, and such; and I have Matt back as a friend, but it's just awkward. Ana and Mia have been helping me get through this more too. Ana in the day; and Mia in the afternoons and evenings. Being with Ethan also helps. Being with him helps me distract myself. Being with him makes me believe that I will be perfect, sooner or later.

fuck this life

I feel like I’m going crazy, and I can’t do anything about it. I keep hearing this voice in my head, and the only thing that I can do to ignore it/make it quiet down is to blare the music in my head, behind the screams, into my head even more with my iPod. I feel like I’m losing all touch with reality. I am just faking the happy niceness that everyone expects from me, but I really just feel sick to my stomach about everything. Everything that is, except Ethan. He makes me feel a little better. He makes me feel even happy sometimes. School isn’t the place for me right now. 1 because of the teachers, and class. 2 because of the people. Ok. Maybe just 1 person in particular. Jeff, it’s always Jeff. He isn’t even in my life any more, and he’s still driving me insane. He can still run my life. He can still make me feel like I’m going to be sick. He still bothers me so much. Peter says it’s because I’m letting him get to me. Peter says that the screaming that I’m hearing is my subconscious, and I’m letting it “become” my Daddy. I don’t believe him. It is Daddy, I can feel it. The things that he tortures me with, the words that pierce into my thoughts, the insults that will hurt more than any cut ever could, they drive me insane. I try and just ignore him, but every time I do, he gets louder. I turn up the music as I slowly slip more and more into insanity. I won’t have my laptop for much longer because the battery is running low. It can just about make it through 2 classes. It is the same with me. I can make it through 2 classes before I start feeling so crazy that I’m about to burst. I have to get out of this prison that the government says that I have to go to till June. I’m stuck here. I can’t go anywhere without asking permission. I can’t do anything outside, because I don’t have my car, and don’t have their stupid, precious privileges. I could just walk out now, but soon they would come looking for me. I could just go into the bathroom and do something stupid, but I promised Matt and Ethan that I 1: would stay alive and in Maine till graduation, and 2: wouldn’t do anything stupid (a.k.a. cut, or anything like that.) Also, Peter would call the men in the nice white, long coats to take me away to a place where I wouldn’t hurt myself any more. I wouldn’t mind it, but I know that they would make a big scene of it, and it wouldn’t end up nicely for me. I would probably get a sedative, and then wake up in this white room, padded (for my protection against myself), and in some form of sweats that would make me look even fatter than I am already. I haven’t eaten anything since last night, and my stomach is starting to feel that familiar pang that I’d grown to love. That was before Peter called me the “A-word”… and I had eaten an entire order of Lo-Mein just to spite him. After that my stomach didn’t like me too much. He screamed at me for days, and made me sick. My stomach is a man. Everything in my life, besides the obviously female parts of my body, is male. I don’t know why they are, but they eventually all become male. Again, Peter says that it’s because of Daddy. I have no idea about anything these days. I mean I know that 2 and 2 is 4, and that a knife in my hands doesn’t end up well for my leg. But other than that I don’t really know what I’m still doing here. If I had succeeded 2 months ago… how would things have played out? Who would have missed me? Who would have cared? I mean really cared, not the fake “oh, someone died. She wasn’t popular, or well known or even liked that much, but we should show sympathy” caring. Essentially I do feel like a HUGE part of me did die that day, that epic night actually. That time I DIDN’T want to wake up in the morning. I know that I should care now, but I still find it really hard to. I should feel ecstatic to be with my friends again, and to be able to see Ethan again, but all I can see is Jeff. It’s bad. I feel like I’m going to be sick when I see him and Zoya. I just don’t really know what to do/say. We need to start being able to work together. I know that he wouldn’t like to have to miss a production because I was stage managing it.

Happy New Year?

Sitting here, 4 days into my graduating year. Less than 6 months till I'm 18, and less than 10 till i go off to college. I have no real direction, except towards the theater. I will soon be managing/directing 2 shows at one time, and I'm soon going to be just about ready to be going crazy over 2 scripts, 2 casts, and 2 stages that I have to safety check and everything else like that. I am so paranoid these days. I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I can't really laugh... i mean REALLY laugh any more these days. Ethan does make me happy, but i just really don't know what to do these days. I don't know who i can turn to, because Ethan doesn't understand. I mean, he gets that i'm paranoid about everything. bue i haven't been able to tell him that i'm hearing my Daddy's voice screaming at me in my head always. i haven't been able to tell him that he's screaming horrible things at me. and no matter what i do, i feel like it's the wrong thing. I feel so horrible about everything in my life, except for him. Ethan is the 1 thing in my life that seems to be going right at all these days. He makes me feel so good, but i can't feel REALLY good if i'm always getting screamed at. I feel like i am always holding in tears, and i'm trying so hard to not cut, to not release this pain, not to hide my hurt from the world, and place it onto my leg instead. I've been good. i don't know how much longer i can be this good, though.