okay... i know that this is like my 5th post in like 3 days, but i have a lot to say... I cut again tonight in the shower, because i was freaked... When i was talking to Jeff last night, he had a "vision" of sorts, and saw my funeral... and my tombstone was dated 2008... i'm scared, but i don't know if it will come true...
Who the hell am i kidding... Of course it will... Every time Jeff has had one of these things, about me, or people i know, they've always come true... i'm scared, and i don't know what else to say, other than; Peter, if you're reading this, I'm scared, and want to see you again... before '07 runs out... and possibly my time...
I'm going to start living my life, and not taking any chances with messing things up with relationships... I'm going to stay single, but not see anyone but the 2 guys that i love, and that (hopefully still) love me. In January first, i'm going to start becoming very wary of what i'm doing... I want to live to get married, or at least have Sex... but if i don't, i don't want to have any other regrets other than picking the guy for me...
What Jeff said really got to me, and i think that he saw that in my eyes today during rehersal... I was upset, and I really tried to just keep on working, and to get the cuts from the play into my book so that i could read the people their right lines next weekend... that is if we have the show...
I guess that's all i have to say... I hope that i don't go into a deep depression, and start cutting really badly...
Saturday, October 27, 2007
relationship
Matt, Jeff and I are a big triangle... I love them both, but in totally different ways. I love Matt as the friend that I could never see go, and I love Jeff in that way that when I see him, my knees turn to jelly, and my brain goes into hyper-drive, and i can't stop that gut-wrenching feeling in my stomach... I can't stand Jeff being mad at me, and not talking to me. Him ignoring me, is worse than Matt not talking to me... I can't eat anything, because whenever I do, I feel like I'm going to puke... I mean I even felt like that all day, but I think that that was because Jeff wasn't talking to me. Anyway... Guys confuse me, and I'm totally love it!
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Everything's going wrong
Matt and I broke up today.
he's pissed, but 'm not sure how mad yet... i guess i'll see tommorow @ skool.
I'm not sorry, but i'm really sad about having to let one of my rocks go. thought i'd let the world go.
he's pissed, but 'm not sure how mad yet... i guess i'll see tommorow @ skool.
I'm not sorry, but i'm really sad about having to let one of my rocks go. thought i'd let the world go.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
my cutting has gone down a little, but i have a feeling that i'm gonna have to start up again today... I think that Matt & i might break up soon, cuz he's just giving me too much crap. i can't deal with this, and having my parents breathing down my neck isn't helping... they say that they care, but really they just care about their "investment" of me...
The Crucible
"I think i love you, so what am I so afraid of?" I'm afraid that I'm the wrong person for you. I'm afraid that if you stay with me forever, and you're not my soul mate, that I'm making the biggest mistake of both of our lives... What if I'm meant to be with the other guy, and we never know that until we're fighting every night, and are sleeping on separate beds in the bedroom... or worse... I know that we might be right together, but how long until my pain, and yours can't cope together... what happens then? how long do we have to be uncomfortable around each other until one of us says those two words that can forever change life as we know it? "It's Over." We may never know.
Friday, October 19, 2007
ugh
I hate this... I like a guy, that I'm not supposed to like but he's the one that's always been there for me when I needed him.he's the one that makes me feel good, and when I'm with him, everything just clicks.. he tells me that if i need him at any time to just call, and to not care what time it is. He tells me that he's there for me, and can really mean what he says when he's talking to me. We may be in the same emo boat, but he's handling it like he would've wanted someone to handle it with him. he's the reason why i do what i do, though... when i see him, i freak inside, and i just want to be in his arms, but i know that i can't... the reason being you may ask? I have a boyfriend. Sure, Matt's nice and all, but he;s really not helping me with my attacks. when i see him, he just gives me a sad look that says "i wish you wouldn't cut, it makes me sad"... but wen Jeff looks at me he's saying "I don't want to see you go down the road that i have traveled, I'll help you, but I need you to try and stop" Jeff and I have a lot of stuff in common, too, and through everything that I've put him through, i know that he still cares about me the way that i care about him. and now, all of a sudden, my mum starts to care about what I'm doing, or about my feelings... when the hell did she start to care about what i did???!!!!!!
whatever... i really don't want this shit... i want to be in Jeff's arms, to smell him again, and i know that he wants it too, i just need to figure out what I'm gonna do with Matt...... i can't just dump him, because that would tear me apart even more... I can't think of another way to deal with my pain, though... i have a lot of issues... don't judge me.
whatever... i really don't want this shit... i want to be in Jeff's arms, to smell him again, and i know that he wants it too, i just need to figure out what I'm gonna do with Matt...... i can't just dump him, because that would tear me apart even more... I can't think of another way to deal with my pain, though... i have a lot of issues... don't judge me.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Emo
My arm turning red and raw
my stomach churning
my heart breaking into a thousand pieces.
My leg throbbing from the cuts
no blood, but it still hurts
can't wrap my head around this problem
just want it to end
Want it to solve itself
and have the monster inside of me calm
it's awakened at my cut
and now it will never sleep
Wanting you to know how i feel
but not wanting you near
wanting to be with another
one who understands my pain
no one knowing how i feel
no one thinking about my feelings
everyone thinking that they know how i feel
everyone trying to "fix me"
The world is killing my feelings
taking and walking all over them
my stomach churning
my heart breaking into a thousand pieces.
My leg throbbing from the cuts
no blood, but it still hurts
can't wrap my head around this problem
just want it to end
Want it to solve itself
and have the monster inside of me calm
it's awakened at my cut
and now it will never sleep
Wanting you to know how i feel
but not wanting you near
wanting to be with another
one who understands my pain
no one knowing how i feel
no one thinking about my feelings
everyone thinking that they know how i feel
everyone trying to "fix me"
The world is killing my feelings
taking and walking all over them
Saturday, October 06, 2007
Daddy... Why???
Dear Daddy,
You've been gone for 8 years now. That's half of my life, and you've never seen the important things in my life. You abandoned me to live a life that made me think that i wasn't good enough. You left me, you selfish bastard, and i hate you for it. What did you think that you were going to solve by going and leaving me forever? You thought that you were doing what was best for me, but really you've destroyed me inside. You killed me inside. I can't think of what you did, and i can't sing in the chorus without choking up when we sing a song that reminds me of you. Kenny Loggins is our songwriter, and i like to imagine that you're singing to me when i play that CD that you used to play me when i was just a baby. I know about my stepsister, and i know how you treated mom. I hate Jeremiah because you hated him. I do things, just because i want to be closer to you. You know that you never got to see me graduate 8th grade, you never got to meet any of my boyfriends, and you're never going to be able to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. Don't worry, though, Jeremiah's not going to. Uncle Peter or Adam is going to walk me down...
I miss you. You never got to see me in my scoli brace, and you never got to meet Jonathan. You won't be there when i go to Prom, and you won't be the person that i talk to when i think about having sex. You going away from me has torn me up inside, and you're never going to see how much it's hurt me. If you could come back for just 5 minutes, i would ask you why... why did you leave me? I was just a little girl when you left. I didn't know how badly i would want to see you when i left for a dance, and you're never going to know how i felt after my first kiss. You missed out on my life, and getting to know a great person. And what about Angela?? I thought that you two would get married?? then i would have a few older siblings... what the hell happened to that idea?? She was crying soooo hard at your funeral and i was probably the only person with a dry eye in the house. You should know that, though, and i think that it's a sign that it's raining tonight. Like the song "Holes in the floor of heaven" you're watching over me, but i don't want you watching over me, i want you breathting down my neck like a REAL father i should have. I love you, but i wish that you hadn't been do damn selfish. I hope that you understand my pain.
~Your Baby
You've been gone for 8 years now. That's half of my life, and you've never seen the important things in my life. You abandoned me to live a life that made me think that i wasn't good enough. You left me, you selfish bastard, and i hate you for it. What did you think that you were going to solve by going and leaving me forever? You thought that you were doing what was best for me, but really you've destroyed me inside. You killed me inside. I can't think of what you did, and i can't sing in the chorus without choking up when we sing a song that reminds me of you. Kenny Loggins is our songwriter, and i like to imagine that you're singing to me when i play that CD that you used to play me when i was just a baby. I know about my stepsister, and i know how you treated mom. I hate Jeremiah because you hated him. I do things, just because i want to be closer to you. You know that you never got to see me graduate 8th grade, you never got to meet any of my boyfriends, and you're never going to be able to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. Don't worry, though, Jeremiah's not going to. Uncle Peter or Adam is going to walk me down...
I miss you. You never got to see me in my scoli brace, and you never got to meet Jonathan. You won't be there when i go to Prom, and you won't be the person that i talk to when i think about having sex. You going away from me has torn me up inside, and you're never going to see how much it's hurt me. If you could come back for just 5 minutes, i would ask you why... why did you leave me? I was just a little girl when you left. I didn't know how badly i would want to see you when i left for a dance, and you're never going to know how i felt after my first kiss. You missed out on my life, and getting to know a great person. And what about Angela?? I thought that you two would get married?? then i would have a few older siblings... what the hell happened to that idea?? She was crying soooo hard at your funeral and i was probably the only person with a dry eye in the house. You should know that, though, and i think that it's a sign that it's raining tonight. Like the song "Holes in the floor of heaven" you're watching over me, but i don't want you watching over me, i want you breathting down my neck like a REAL father i should have. I love you, but i wish that you hadn't been do damn selfish. I hope that you understand my pain.
~Your Baby
Thursday, October 04, 2007
the last 3 months
okay... time for an update... the summer went well, but i didn't see Peter... (btw... we broke up, and then Matt and I started dating... anyway, that's old news. After camp i came home, and that weekend i went to a motorcycle course that i got my permit in. I was wicked upset when i didn't get my license, but I'm going for my license later in the month... both of them, actually. anyway... I'm a Junior this year, and I'm already getting the respect that i deserve. I mean... well... I'm an upper class man this year, so i get some freshmen to do what i say. anyway... Holly came back, for like 2 weeks, and then she got kicked out, at least she hasn't been back for 3 weeks... and the longest that the school can suspend for is 10 school days... i think... it might be a month... which would suck. anyway... she tried to threaten me, but the funny thing was, she was losing her voice, so she couldn't really threaten me and make it scary. Then about 3 weeks ago our school was in the paper for having a "gang" called the ARG (Ass-Raping-Gays to everyone @ school) and we had an assembly today, about it and how we're going to have a "no tolerance policy" now for gangs, or "gang related instances"... i think that it's funny... so... what else has been happening??? My friend Sarah;s engaged, but isn't sure if she wants to see it through (she;s 16) and my b/f Matt and i are on the rocks right now because he heard from a "reliable source" that i made-out with a guy on my bus that i hate... i have no idea how he could even think that I'd do that to him, but I'm just not talking to him right now... Did i say that at the end of last year i was all confused about what guy i wanted to date, and ended up breaking-up with Jeff to be with Matt?? well... now you know. I'm also going to be in "The Crucible" for Drama this fall, and the show is the 1st weekend in November. I guess that's everything that's happening in my life, besides what i;m going to post after this. Love You All!!
~Baby
~Baby
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