No One Knows

Printing a few of my chapters of my novelette, it made me feel better. Getting everything together... it's been making me feel better.

Someone that doesn't know the history that I've had with... let's call him "The Enemy"... doesn't know what has happened. They don't know why I've acted the way that I have towards him, and they don't know why I said what I said. These people don't know why I've had to cut him out of my life completely. They don't know how much I used to care about him, but now when I think about him, all I get is a knot in my stomach and it's filled with wanting to just slap him across the face, even if he's done nothing wrong. They don't know that he's changed so much, and that he was the one that made me worse. They don't know that he was the one that let me keep staying loud, annoying and generally just what I was trying to let everyone else see for so many years.

No one knows why we used to act the way we did, and no one understands how we used to talk to each other. No one understands what happened last time that we talked, and no one will ever know, besides Kare, because he read it... That was the last time that we talked, and i haven't gone back since... I sent him one e-mail telling him that everything was over. He responded because I wanted to know if he had any questions. After he said no, I said goodnight, and got offline. Shooting dirty looks is the only thing that I feel that I can do these days to make him uncomfortable. I want him to stay as far away from me as he can, and till he is never there, as in next year, I don't know what I'm going to do without Kare.

I Love Kare, more than I have ever loved someone else. Looking back at the time... I now know that I tricked myself into falling in love with The Enemy. I thought that I was in love with him because he was cute, he was nice, and he was there for me. I was wrong, though. He wasn't there how I needed him to be there for me, and I could always see myself without him in my life. I never knew that I wasn't being myself. I was trying to be what he wanted me to be, to make him happy, so I could have stability and what I thought I needed in a relationship. I thought that I needed someone to be there for me who would just make me push past all of my troubles, but that only allowed me to push them under the rug, and to run away from them.

I've been needing to face my problems head-on for years, and The Enemy never let me do that. He only let me be what he wanted me to be. He put me on this pedestal and didn't let me down. It was only till I came crashing down that he saw me for who I really was. It was only till I crashed down to earth that everything became real for me. It was only till I crash-landed that I saw what I had been doing for FAR too long. It wasn't till I made a mess of everything that I could start taking control of my life again, whether that was in a destructive or helpful way, I just started to take control of my life however I wanted to.

Woah, I don't even know where I wanted this to go... but... i think that i've been writing this long enough... I hope that everything is taken care of tomorrow. So that everything can go seamlessly on Friday!!

Writing

"I guess I get to be the bad guy.. and I am fine with that."

Those words were said by an arch-enemy. They held meaning as well. I wanted to know if he had gotten the letter that i sent to him, but i couldn't just call him... so i asked him online... When he said those words about it... i couldn't lie and tell him that they weren't true, because they are... he was... and you were right... as soon as he thought that he could get some action elsewhere... he stopped caring about what I thought, what i said, and everything that he was known for because he thought/thinks that he can get some action/commitment/adoration/attention from another person... i've already told him that... if he hurts her... he'll have me to deal with... He said that he wasn't scared... but... he doesn't realize just how many cards I am holding...

I guess the main reason that i'm writing this tonight is because... i'm back to writing my novelette again, and i'm really getting into it a lot deeper... I need to print it tomorrow, so I have hard copies of it... but... it's going to be a long process...

wow... i'm fighting to keep my eyes open... i'll finish my thoughts in the morning... till then... think about this...

"What does writing do for you? What does a powerful speech, saying, word, or even a simple quote say to you? Does it change you forever? Do you just let the culture immersed in the pages, in the syllables, or in the words themselves slip right in one ear and out the other?? Where would we be without writing?"

Letter to my editor 2

Dearest Editor:

I Love You more than anything in this world, and I can't imagine my life without you. This last month has been the hardest month of my life. Every October included, because... every day, I didn't know what to do with myself... and... now that you're home, i still don't know what to do with myself. So... now i'm just completely lost. When I'm with you, everything feels right, but... without you, i'm even more of a wreck than i was with you gone. I can't stand these nights alone, without my Love. I can't stand this. I want to just sneak over every night, and just be with you. The reason why i've been so picky/naggy about you calling me when you leave to go somewhere, or where you get home from being somewhere... it's not because i'm possessive... (that's only if you're with Graci)... it's because I want to make sure that you're ok, and are safe. I worry sooo much about you every single day I don't think that i will ever stop till we're together forever, till we're living together, and I can always know when your'e home, because i'll be waiting for you. That's why... whenever you can... i'd REALLY appreciate it if you could just text me/give me a quick call when you go somewhere... or get home... so that I KNOW that you're safe. I don't care if you have to do other stuff, or if you can't get online to talk to me... i don't care, as long as you're safe. because... i don't know what i'd do without you.

Gnawing Truth

Ever since you said something yesterday... I haven't been able to get it out of my mind...

"You were addicted to Pain killers."

I can't stand that I was hooked on them... but... what you said/how you said it held a truth. They were such a big part of my life... and... I gave them up... for you. When I used to wake up in the morning, and wasn't able to really concentrate without taking a hand-full of pills. I was a druggie... and... I am just sooo scared that I'll relapse... I live by this rule... and I Know that you've heard me say it before:

"The 13th step is ALWAYS Relapse."

I live by it, and I am sooo terrified that I'm going to completely lose it one of these days and I'm going to slip up and REALLY mess up. I'm sorry that I feel like that... but... I do feel like I'm going to completely fall back into my dark spiral. I can't even begin to tell you how scared I am... but... I know that you'll be there to help me when I'm feeling down... I know that you will be there to help me when I'm feeling like I'm going to completely lose it. I know that you are always there for me, and that you will always help me when I need your help. It's been bothering me, and has completely eating at my mind... but... I'm sure that you will be able to make my mind feel better tonight/tomorrow morning...

I Love You Kare Bear... I want you to know that... and I'll do anything to not fall back into that bad shame spiral that I was in... even if that means that I have to admit myself to some place that is safe... where you can still see me every/every other day...

Love/compatbility

I took it to be sure... (because i was already sure of it... i just wanted to see if a stupid calculator online could tell if we were perfect together...)

ok... so... for the past few days... i feel like i've been "haunted"... or at least been "watched over" by 2 people... one of which i'm planning on spending the rest of my life with, and the other, who i have never met, but... is a great part of my life already.

I don't mean that i'm feeling like someone's ghost is following me... i just feel like she's protecting me, and... giving me strength to get through this past 3 weeks. It's been strangely comforting to feel Ash and my dad there... but... it's also been very scary... because... i want to believe that they're there... i want to believe it sooo bad... but... I just can't believe that they're there, or that they're sooo close to me with being sooo far away.

That's another thing... Ever since Kare came home... it seems like every time that we try to have a serious conversation it turns into a fight... i'm just REALLY not sure where to go from here... I Love Him more than anything in this world, but... when it comes to us talking about stuff like who i've been talking to, or stuff that i should do... I know that he understands... i just... wish that i could respect his wishes a little more... i wish that it was easier for me to... but... I'm just not sure how this is going to be tomorrow... when we go back to school... and everyone is stopping us to say "HI" to Kare...

I'm just sooo completely lost without him by my side... and... this past month... has been sooo hard for me without him there, without being able to read him... because... knowing how he is, and how he feels... that makes me feel better... just knowing that i can tell if he's feeling good, bad, or if he's totally blocking everyone out... i don't care what he's feeling... just... knowing that i know what he's feeling makes me feel better... i know... i'm rambling, and i'm not making any sense... but... I'm trying... i'm trying to be good... and nothing bad has happened that i didn't tell him about... so... i guess i'd better stop before my head starts to hurt... I'll talk to you at rehearsal... because i'm gonna get there a little early anyway... (like around 1:45)... so... ya... and... if we want to tell her our big news today... so be it... but... if we don't... we can just wait till the right time...

I Love You Kare Bear, more than i've ever loved anyone, anything, or anybody... (i know that the 1st and 3rd are the same... i just had to say it in 3's)...