Warmness of the Soul Pt. 2

Everyone knows me as Courtney, but it's Annabelle's personality that everyone knows... They know the "whore down the hall" and she's loving the attention that she gets, but now Courtney is showing up... the real me is afraid of the eyes... except when she is on stage... That is the only real time that I'm completely myself... is when I'm on that stage... and I'm either working, acting, or just building a set... I am always Courtney on stage...

Annabelle doesn't like that type of eyes looking at her... analyzing her every move... thinking about why she's doing what she's doing... Annabelle lives for the "shock factor", the "drama" if you will... She's the one that keeps on making drama in her life... she's the one that I'm trying to stifle... the one that I'm trying to make go away... but she's just like my headaches... she might go away for a little bit, but eventually she's gonna show up again...

I do remember when Annabelle started taking control... it was when i went back to skool after my daddy went away... i needed to "be happy" and no one would let Courtney just be alone... I don't remember the exact moment when i thought of Annabelle, but i do remember the stuff that she's done... but that's a whole other post... if you want to know... you can e-mail me... or even better text... Until another ride home...

~Baby

Warmness of the Soul

i feel like whenever i want to talk... it's tabboo... why can i never talk about you without feeling like i'm cheating? I'm not, and i don't want you as any more than a friend... but it feels like i'm looked at with pins and daggars whenever i mention your name in a conversation... whoever it's with... 

Everyone knows my reputation, and they have a right... but it's the judging that i can't stand, and the pointing and names that i know that they call me behind my back... Whore. Slut. Cheap Bitch.  The names that they call me are endless, but that's just how people see me... they see a girl who flip-flops between 2 guys, and who is open with her sexuality... 

i see a troubled, torn, and confused little girl hiding behind a mask...
A little girl who has learned that the world is mean, unfair, and downright cruel to people who show their emotions, and share them all openly and honestly... I'm the little girl who hides because she doesn't know how to act like the other people... but my Annabelle does...

Annabelle's not an alter-ego that i've been living behind... she's not another voice in my head... she is the essence of what i want to be... She is who i become when i'm in the heat of the moment... when she flirts with guys, or cusses out a teacher... Courtney hides, and Annabelle comes out... ready for anything.  

The only time when Annabelle isn't there, is when Matt is there, and they're alone... just being with him makes Annabelle hide... and let's the real me come out again... under the protection of Matt, Courtney isn't afraid to come out of hiding... but most of my life has been seen through Annabele's eyes for over 8 years... 

When daddy went away forever, Annabelle showed up because mommy said to cheer up... Courtney hid... and now she's just figuring out the rules of this new game.

~Baby

I Love Matt

I'm in love with him
i can't think of any other thing
when i see him
my heart grows wings
my knees turn to butter, 
and i collapse into his arms
the smell of him... really turns me on

when i see that he's online, 
i constantly reload the page
knowing that i'm the first one,
that he will message.
Seeing that he's replied, makes me all giddy
and every time that he says "i love you"
makes me feel like it's spring.

I don't know what i'd do without him now
i'm just trying to move away
from the "bad influences" in my life
but it's just so easy to go astray
knowing that he's trying to save my life
but him saying that it's ok
only makes things worse some times
it's a never ending curse

but i never want to lose him
i would go "crazy in my head."
i think that's from Legally Blonde, 
but tonight i don't care...

To My Editor 2

You say that you're never going to hurt yourself... i believe you... but what i can't promise is that i'll never hurt myself... my leg still hurts form my last cutting... and the blood is still fresh... you say that i'm being jeckyl and hyde... i'm gonna clear this up... i DON'T want you out of my life, but you said that you needed me out of yours... so i'm working on letting you out of my life... i know that it's a hopeless case, because you already have a room in my heart... so all i can say is goodbye, and hope that i won't do anything stupid... i do care about you... and i can't help it... you're like the scars and fresh cuts on my leg... it'll take a while for you to be gone... out of my life... but every time you say something to me... it gives me a hope that you want to talk... i am TRYING to let you live your life without me... and i haven't really made any contact with you at skool... or e-mailing... i still text you because it's the fastest way to contact you... I'm sorry that my last post made you cut again... for the last time... I really just don't get you some times... i want you out of my life... but i can't get you out of my head... i'm sorry if you didn't want to hear this... and i'm sorry that you thought that i was trying to hurt you... i was VERY mad when i wrote that last post... and i cut after i posted it... should i delete it??

Peter Griffin: "Holy Crip he's a Crapple!"

~Baby

Parting words

I read what you said
i took it to heart
i'm out of your life now
and i'm fine with part
i don't know what else to say
other than i'm sorry
i guess i'm just a pain
so why do i do this to you
i guess i just wanted things 
to be like they were before
before we were at each other's necks
I'm sorry about hurting you
but i guess i don't care any more
whatever, i'm gone
goodbye forever now
i doubt that you're reading this
i just felt it needed to be said...
i'll "get the fuck out of your life",
and you can do the same with me...
i don't care at all anymore...

My name is Jeff, and everything is falling apart around me because my dad is a pompus jerk, and the one person that i loved has been gone for 3 1/2 years... boo fucking hoo... try living with the giult that your father killed himself when you were 8 because you think that you did something wrong!!! try living with the fact that your own father didn't love you enough to say goodbye, and that he'd see you later... try thinking for one second that people have more miserable lives that you do... YOU STILL HAVE 2 PARENTS, AND A SISTER THAT LOVE YOU... no matter what you say... or what they do... they love you Jeff... just like i do... well... not like i do... but they do love you... you have a good comfortable life... you're doing good in skool... you have a god friend that you spend all of your time with... and you have people that care about you... i'm not saying that my life is worse... i'm just saying that you need to stop being a damn Drama King and own up to being selfish... i kknow that not everything is about me... but you still think that everybody's lives revolve around you...  i DO CARE ABOUT YOU A LOT... but when you continue to say shit like you've been posting... i don't know what to believe... you worry me... and i'm typing ths soooo fast... i'm jittery... i can't stand what a melancholy Drama King you've become... you used to want to be on the stage... pretending to be Sweeney... but you've crossed the line... and have become Sweeney... well... i'm sick of it... i'm still going to call you... and i don't care if i woke you up... because i fucking want to tell you that your life isn't as bad as you think it is... you still have people that care about you... and your self- pity has to stop if you're going to get any real pity, or even some ficking help from people who care about you... but you're too much like your father to even realize that when you're looking at the Grimmerie with her, that i'm looking at you... and i'm trying to hold back tears because i can't stand you and her sharing something that we shared, and that was special... whatever.. i know that you've read this... but you probably haven't even started to get how much this really means to me... i care about you... i just don't want to see you go... not yet... i want to see you Monday... 

Something Real

OK... I've been posting a lot of song lyrics.. and i just want people to know that i wrote those songs a while ago... my most recent stuff is stuff that i haven't posted yet... so none of my problems are in those songs... well... they are... but it's not on purpose... anyway... i still am checking Jeff's blog daily, and so I'm just hoping that he's doing the same with me... because as much as I'm gonna try and block him out of my life... i still care, and will always check his blog... I doubt that he's reading this... so i don't know why i even try... i mean i tried to be his friend again... and i thought that we were headed on that track, but then he goes with that "needing time to think" and then starts completely ignoring me... and i just can't stand it... so I'm doing something new... with every picture that i print and put in his locker, I'm going to leave a bit of my feelings for him with it... It'll take while... but it's the only way that i can think of to get him out of my system... I'm like an addict... i need to detox... but slowly so i don't end up hurting myself... i guess that's all... i thought i'd post something real... something other than lyrics... something other than crap...

First Lyrics

You walked out
and for a little while i was fine
but now i need,
you to be here by my side
I'm not that little girl i was a long time ago.
I'm growing up so fast now,
but i guess you already know.

How is it up in heaven?
Is it what you wanted to be?
Are there angels everywhere?
How is the family?
You don't know what you're missin' down here on earth.
But we all miss you, Daddy
Why did you go first?

I'm trying to make sure
I'm always actin' right
But nowadays it's harder
the boys are in my life.
There's one i think i love
and i wish that you could meet.
I really think that he's the one
to take care of me.

How is it up in heaven?
Is it what you wanted to be?
Are there angels everywhere?
How is the family?
You don't know what you're missin' down here on earth.
But we all miss you, Daddy
Why did you go first?

Crazy Lyrics

No one understands me
feel like i'm alone
think i'm gonna go crazy
if i can't find a home
a place to have my thoughts be
and write all day in my bed
just want a place where i can lay my head

I'm gonna go crazy, terminally mad
crazy, please don't look so glad
cuz you interrupted me, and yes i'm still a girl
Crazy, and i won't say a word

Lock me up, cuz i'm a threat to myself and others
i'm glad that you can call yourself my brothers.
Please look over me and help me to do right
maybe in the morning i will see the light.

I'm gonna go crazy, terminally mad
crazy, please don't look so glad
cuz you interrupted me, and yes i'm still a girl
Crazy, and i won't say a word

You've silenced me for a long time
But now it's my time to stand out!
I'm gonna turn my act around,
It's all about being devout

I'm gonna go crazy, terminally mad
crazy, please don't look so glad
cuz you interrupted me, and yes i'm still a girl
Crazy, and i won't say a word...

~Baby

if you have a name idea... e-mail me

You never label me, or turn me into something that i'm not.
I'm just a beautiful girl, not something to mindlessly gawk at.
Whoever said a picture's worth a thousand words...
well they knew what they were talking about.
I'm deep and in some spots you can see where i've been cut

Cut open by heart break, and stiched together again.
i keep going in circles between love and pain,
but now i know you're the one who will keep me out of the rain

when i feel you in my soul, butterflies show up
my foot goes in my mouth, and others tell me to shut up
but they will never silence me from speaking 
about you because i know that your voice is the voice of truth. 

Cut open by heart break, and stiched together again.
i keep going in circles between love and pain,
but now i know you're the one who will keep me out of the rain.  

Depression Lyrics

Felling so lost and misunderstood. 
I wish you knew how you pulled off your look.
You are always smiles, and never frowns.
I wish your sadness would come around.
Everything's so peachy, and everything's right and keen.
Who are you really? What isn't seen?

You hide behind you mask all day, never letting anyone in.
You pretend to be happy when you're really hurtin'.  
No one else can see inside, but you let me see the real you.
it's tragic, and bottling it up isn't good.

Your mind thinks that you're ill, when really you're fine.
It backs you into a wall and uses your body as a shrine.
It uses your body to raise itself up, while you are feeling down in the dumps.

You hide behind you mask all day, never letting anyone in.
You pretend to be happy when you're really hurtin'.  
No one else can see inside, but you let me see the real you.
it's tragic, and bottling it up isn't good.

Hurting yourself and those around you.
You're hoping that your dream will come true
But you don't know what it is.

You hide behind you mask all day, never letting anyone in.
You pretend to be happy when you're really hurtin'.  
No one else can see inside, but you let me see the real you.
it's tragic, and bottling it up isn't good.

Sorry... I'm so sorry

I want to say sorry
I'm sorry for making you sad
I'm sorry for making you worry
I'm sorry for putting myself before you
I'm sorry for being distant
I'm sorry for disgracing you
I'm sorry for making you cry
I'm sorry for everything
but most of all, I'm sorry for falling in love with you
I know that it may be selfish,
but all of my problems deal with love
If i never loved you, i might have never hurt you
if I never hurt you, you might be happier
I might see you smiling more than worrying about me
I might not be there, but i think i wouldn't be as sad
I might still be lusting,
but i wouldn't have caused you the pain that i have caused both of us
I still would've cut, but you might never have started to worry
if i never kissed you last year, we never would be here


but...
If i never kissed you last year, we never would be here
we wouldn't be dreaming about little Eli and Annabelle, and dreaming of our wedding
we wouldn't be totally in love, and i could stop thinking about you some times,
we wouldn't hang out like we do, and I'd be miserable in classes with you and him...
I wouldn't know your Dad or mom, and know how loving they can be,
and how great they are... I wouldn't know anything
I'd still be trying to impress you in Home Room, and trying to fit in...
I would probably get high more, and cut a hell of a lot more,
and I'd probably not care about a lot less than i do today
I never would've had such a great time last year on the last day of skool
i wouldn't be planning Prom night with you
and i wouldn't even know how great of a friend Abby is, or know Arabic...
I'd probably have a lot more sleepless nights without Beary,
and I'd have spent a lot less time on the phone at camp


I'm sorry that i did everything, but I'm not sad at the results... I'm sad with the way I'm fucking everything up... you say that I'm not a screw up... then why do i feel like that? why do i feel like nothing i can do will ever be good enough for my step-dad, and why will i always feel like my daddy went away because of something that i did?? My life is spiraling out of control to the tune of my melancholy heart, and you just aren't in the melody...

Dear God... A7X Style

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Can't help but wish that I was there
Back where I'd love to be, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
’Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

There's nothing here for me on this barren road
There's no one here while the city sleeps
and all the shops are closed
Can't help but think of the times I've had with you
Pictures and some memories will have to help me through, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
’Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

Some search, never finding a way
Before long, they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in, to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to hold
when hope begins to fade...

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away
We all need the person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
’Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again


OK... i lied about that being the last post that i was directing towards you... I was listening to my A7X artist play list and this song popped up... I couldn't help but think about what you've gone through, and how this song is totally your anthem... when you're feeling sad, and missing Ash... it made me think that because it made me think of my dad... I actually started to cry... It just really made me want to take a step back and see all of the pain that I've caused in my life to other people, and i realized that you were the person that I've seemed to hurt the most... Even though every time i said that I'd never hurt you again, i seemed to fuck every time and hurt you time after time... I guess i just wanted to get things back to the way they were the first time we dated, but with every positive step i took, i took 5 negative steps back... I guess that if i had left things how they were this year, we would've eventually become friends again, but i totally fucked up any chance of that happening... I can't get it out of my head because it's all my fault... I'm sorry... i hurt you... and I've 'punished' myself... literally and figuratively... I'm sorry i ever thought that everything cold be like it was before everything went wrong... but something went right... I NEVER meant to hurt you... i was just really confused... and in need of some drama... which i got on and off-stage...

I'm sorry... I'll never bother you again... except for a glance at you when you don't think i'm looking... whatever... you didn't read this anyway probably...

~Baby

Real You

You lose someone, halfway through your life
you're changed forever, feels like
nothing you do can ever make it right.

You've got to push through the cloud,
to see the silver lining
you've got to make your way,
to the other side of the room.
You've got to take a step back,
to see what you've been missing,
But most of all, don't lose sight,
of the real you

Look back at your life before then,and how it is today.
What would be different, and what would stay the same
would you have the same friends you have now
or a totally different crew?
Sometimes you have to take the bad, with the good...

You've got to push through the cloud,
to see the silver lining
you've got to make your way,
to the other side of the room.
You've got to take a step back,
to see what you've been missing,
But most of all, don't lose sight,
of the real you

If you lose sight
of yourself
you might just lose your way
sometimes it's better
to stay, and say

You've got to push through the cloud, push through
the cloud, to see that silver lining
you've got to make your way, to the other side of the room.
You've got to take a step back,
to see what you've been missing,
But most of all, don't lose sight, no don't lose sight
but most of all don't lose sight of the real you,
no of the real you.


No, you haven't heard that song before, but i know that you've read those lyrics... they're to my first real song, Real You, and every time i sing it, it makes me feel a little better... Every day you say that you're going through a struggle to get "back to before Ash" or you "just need time to think" I think that you have the right to do that, so that's why i'm not e-mailing you or texting you anymore... i only talk to you when you reach out to me first... but i wish that you'd reach out more... There are a lot of cliche sayings in this world, and the chorus of my song is one big cliche, but i find that sometimes they work... i really don't know the exact pain that you're going trough, but i guess you'll never know what i'm going through... and i guess all i can ask is that you try and help yourself to those offering help around you... good night forever, Jeff... this is the last post that i'll be writing to you specifically...

~Baby

Untitled

I can't stand the pain that i know that you're going through... you're where i was a few years ago... but i didn't know about the torture that i could've put myself through to get rid of the pain like you know about.... and like i know about now... I'm sorry about your headache, and that you think that you have discrased her... and her memory... but i think that she'd be happy with the fact that you're dealing with your pain... i wish that you hadn't burned it... i would've kept it till you wanted it back... cuz some of that stuff was REALLY good... i guess i'll never hear it now... whatever... i don't even think that you're still reading this... i just really can't stand that you're blocking me out, and all i really wanted to do was try and help you... i know what you're going through... because you let me in... i'm glad that you did... and i'm sorry if you're regretting it now... I DO care about you... but i just don't know how to show/tell you any other way... because you don't wanna have anything to do with me... i know that not everything's about me... but you really can't have your depression consume you... i know that you've probably heard all of this before, but i feel that it needs to stilll be said again... I'm sorr about how you've gotten dealt a crap hand... but you've gotta play the game through... please don't just fold and escape... I'm sorry... i don't know what else to say... I'm so sorry... i just wanna be your friend again... i hate you hating me... but i guess It's "my fault" like everything is... and yes... you can blame me for everything... even why there is no oxygen in space... I'm sorry... i fucked up... but i'm trying to fix it... don't you see that!?

~Baby

W. T. F.

I don't understand what's been going on lately... one day you want to talk with me till 2 in the morning, and the next you're shutting me out and saying that you want nothing to do with me.  it just doesn't make sense.  I really was trying hard to be a good friend again, and i thought that we were going good, and were on that road again... we weren't going fast, but we were on the road, and then you just shove me off, and block me out... i don't understand why you did that... i get that you wanted time to think, but you didn't have to be so mean about it.  

I will wait until the end
When the pendulum will swing back
to the darker side of our hearts bleeding
I will save this empty space
next to me like its a grave
where I lay a place for us to sleep eternally together

I have been
Searching for
Traces of
What we were
A ghost of you
is all that I have left
is all that I have left of you to hold
I wake in the night to find there's no one there but me
and nothing left of what we were at all

So here I am pacing around this house again
With pictures of us living on these walls
I see my breath in the cold of the air that I breathe and I'm wondering
I'm wondering if its you that i feel if its you that i feel here haunting me forever

I have been
Searching for
Traces of
What we were
A ghost of you
is all that I have left
is all that I have left of you to hold
I wake in the night to find there's no one there but me
and nothing left of what we were at all

and I'm not looking for
anything but us
anything but what we were
and I'm not asking for
painted memories
I only want to know you're here

A ghost of you
is all that I have left
is all that I have left of you to hold
I wake in the night to find theres no one there but me
and nothing left of what we were at all
A ghost of you
is all that I have left
is all that I have left of you to hold
I wake in the night to find theres no one there but me
and nothing left of what we were at all.


ugh... it's the only thing that I really care about any more
I was high earlier, and now I'm crashing
I've had that song in my head all day.. and i just heard it on Last.fm...
I had a lot of thoughts today while i was high...
I just kept on thinking about how Jeff has been there for me all the time, and knowing that I made a mistake ruining his trust... I'm not saying that i want to get back together with him... i just wish that I'd never hurt him... and I'm really missing my dad... I just really don't know where to turn to any more... i think i might call Matt in a little bit... if Jeff doesn't e-mail me back... anyway... i just really needed to get that off my chest... and my thoughts about Jeff and I getting high, and hooking up... i know that i told myself that it wouldn't happen... but i'm not so sure now...

cutting...

hold your breath, hold the pin
take one last look before the endorphins kick in
you push down hard, and pull it fast
count to five, the blood shows at last...

you get the thrill you've wanted all day
no matter what you'll never say
no matter how many times he does it, it always feels best
when you cut yourself, with the pin you keep on your chest

Running his nails down my back does feel good,
but it's the thrill of the pin that makes it all worth
knowing that the pain is coming, instead of a dull roar
makes pulling back that pin even less of a chore

Wanting to break free from the monster
but always feeling trapped
i'm raised up when i cut
and i never wanna go back

cutting is like a drug
once you do it a few times you're hooked...
you want the way it makes you feel
to be there always... even though it may hurt

I'm telling you this cuz you deserve to know
you say "don't do that" but as you said
"pot calling the kettle black"
i can't take it any more, but when i cut, i fly

when i cut i escape from my pain
i escape from my headaches, and heart break
i may not be ready to face my problem
but you're not either... we will both hide behind our scars forever

my scars are red again, and fresh
cutting makes me feel alive
i know i shouldn't, but it's so hard to back away from the monster
i hope that you're reading this,
because to me that means that you care.

i wanna fly
i wanna fly high over the town
i wanna escape from this world
i wanna escape from all of my pain

I wanna escape from this world
i wanna go to a place where no one knows me
i wanna become a new person
i wanna leave my past behind

I wanna become a new person
i wanna shed my skin like a snake
i wanna start a new life in a new place
i wanna get away from my problems

I wanna start a new life in a new place
i wanna re-invent myself
i wanna change everything
i wanna be free

i wanna change everything
i wanna have a new body, new life, and
i wanna have a new past
i wanna be free from pity

i wanna have a new past
i wanna go to a place where no one knows me
i wanna hide from the pity i've always gotten
i wanna go away and get high

I wanna hide from the pity i've always gotten
i wanna have people to see past my past
i wanna have people not want me to be happy all the time
i wanna go away and get out

I wanna have people not want me to be happy all the time
i wanna to just let my guard down
i wanna take my mask off
i wanna stop pretending

I wanna take my mask off
i wanna have people see the real me
i wanna shed this fake smile
i wanna be the true me

i wanna shed this fake smile
but the smile is what you love
i don't wanna let you down
but i don't know what to do

R.I.P.

okay.. so... 4 day weekend!! ya!! anyway... Jeff and i are getting back on the friendship track... hopefully i can regain his trust some day... but for now i'm just happy to be talking to him... Matt doesn't like it, but he understands why we still talk... I'm listening to Ch. 4 right now... and it feels good to hear his fav. song, but smell Matt's colone... whatever... i don't have a headache... so that's good... and my dog is in a total depression... we had to put my other dog down yesterday morning, so Sam's wicked confused, lonely, and sad... China's been there since before he was a puppy... it's strange, though... he's calmed down sooo much already... i guess that's what happens... I know how he feels... but he's not gonna become emo... that would be funny... anyway... I guess i'm just trying to stay buisy today... Tomorrow i'm going over to Matt's, and maybe even Sunday too... depends on his rents... anyway... thought peeps (jeff) would want to know how i'm doing... i'm fine... just numb... and i wanna fly high over the town to see you...

false alarm!!!

everything's gonna be okay... Jeff's alive... he's sick, but i'll see him tomorow... and he's gonna start turning his life around... i'm sooo proud... i just went from having the worst day to a better day when he finally texted Sarah... i thought that i was gonna passout from being sooo glad... my knees really did give out from beneath me... if Matt hadn't been there i would've fallen to the floor...

i'm scared... i think Jeff might've committed suicide tonight... he sent me an e-mail that said to check his blog, which i've bookmarked, and so i see it, read it, and it ways that he's going on a walk tonight, and that he might not come home alive tonight... I'm really scared, and i have no idea how to get a hold of him, and i'm just really scared for him... i don't want him to die... I do still care about him, but he doesn't want to have anything to do with me... i'm so fucking scared that he's not going to come to skool tomorrow, and then i'll know that he's not here... because i've called him twice, and left him 2 text messages, and he still hasn't gotten back to me... i don't know what to do... I"m shaking with every time that i look at my gmail inbox and i don't see that he's e-mailed me back... i'm gonna be freaking till i see him tomorrow... if not... i don't know what i'm gonna do...  

Loathing, Unadulterated, loathing.

i hate my mother... she is soooo annoying and "wanting to be involved in my life" i hate it... she thinks that just because i don't want to stay around to see her and my step-dad acting like they're still together that something's wrong... THE FACT THAT HE'S STILL HERE is what's wrong... and i think that he's dating this chick named Joy... it pisses me off... my mom really needs to get laid... and NOT by my step-dad... cuz i know that they're still sleeping together, and it pisses me off to no fucking end... Why can't she just take the hint that I DON'T WANT HER IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!  She really needs to get a social life, and get a boyfriend... it would make my life a hell of a lot easier... I just want her to get out of my life, and stop trying to care, and ALWAYS asking "what's wrong" NOTHING IS THE MATTER YOU BITCH...AND EVEN IF THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG I'D GO TO MY FRIENDS BEFORE I EVEN THOUGHT OF GOING TO YOU FOR HELP YOU BITCH!!!! DO US ALL A FAVOR ANG GET LAID!!!!!!!!! 

I want you to be here in my arms, but i'm not sure if you feel the same. I want you to hold me, and keep me safe
i want you to tell me that you forgive me, and that you can love me again.
I don't care if it's selfish, and i don't care that it's just a bad dream, it's what i want...

I want you to be there for me like you said it would be. but i don't want to forget you existed, and i never will...
the scars on my leg and arm are slowly leaving, but it's the ones on my heart that will take forever to fade...

I hope that you won't drop off of the world, but help me escape... i want to go away, and never come back to the pain.
i want to light up, or tip my head back and spin out of control... i want to float off of the ground, away from all of the pain, and suffering that i have caused the people in my life...


i want to go on a trip, and not come back until everything is as it was before.
i want to be in my mind, and away from everyone and the pain i started...
But most of all i want to hide away, and never hurt another person again...

only myself...

After you see this pic, you think that I'm in love or am giving my heart away again, but I'm not... I'm trying to not hurt your heart... I'm trying to mend things in my life that are broken, like my relationship with you... i don't mean us romantically, because we're completely over that, but our relationship as friends, (if we can still salvage it) I hated seeing the look on your face while Abby told you that she couldn't find it, and i would have gone over there and told her that i was going to help her look for it, but i knew that you would get mad at me, and then would totally distance yourself... not that you're already doing that.

I really care about you, and when you tell me stuff like "i've already hurt myself, you don't have to, i worry"... i get scared, and i also start to see my grave again... i know that you want me to wipe it out of my memory, but i can't... i'm scared that you'll be buried near me, or around the same time... i never wanted to hurt you, but i guess that's all i'm good for is hurting the people that i care about... and when i get scared about knowing how a bad thing is going to happen, i lie, and then i can't stop lying... it's a form of armor for me, but i know that i need help with that now... i guess that's all i have to say now.

~Baby

Letter to my editor

I know that you are reading this, because you still have this page bookmarked, probably...
Anyway, you asked me to tell you why i chose you to lie to, and i guess my answer is because you were there... i didn't want to admit that we were nice with each other, but nothing could ever be between us... i was scared to admit that i knew that we can never be together because we are just too hurt inside, and are both too worried about what the other person will do... I do care about you, but i realize now that when i told you that i only loved Matt as a friend that i would never want to lose, i was talking about both of you... I don't want to lose your friendship, but i know that you never want anything to do with me ever again... I know what i said last time, and even the time before that about me not hurting you, and believe me... if i could go back to homecoming last year, and choose to dance with you again, i would... i would because i want, no need, our friendship... i need you to be there for me, but i know that you don't trust me to be there for you...
I lied to you because i didn't want to face the truth... well i was wrong, and very sorry... i never meant to hurt you, and i will "burn long enough in hell for that"... but i won't stand mute... i do care about you, and when i'm on stage tonight i will be trying to catch your eye every moment that i can... I know that you see it in my eyes... and i know that you have told everyone that you "called me out for the whore i am" but i tell you true, i never meant to get into this with you...

I'm just as confused as you are, but i hope i answered your question...

I can't believe this

Jeff and i broke up, but it isn't going well. We weren't going well, and he's just really pissing me off a lot lately... we have rehersal tonight, to, and with him hating me, and telling me to start living because i only have a year to live, is really making me upset... i know that he's reading this, and i know that you said that you "called me out for the whore that i am", and you "totally blew me off" it hurts me that you hate me, but it really pisses me off that you say that you're pissed because i'm back with Matt, but isn't that what you said to do?!?!?!!? i mean... am i mistaken, or is that what your e-mail about me + matt meant!?!? whatever... i needed to say this