Sooo...

Ya... Falling... I think I've done it. I think I've fallen in love with Jay... or at least am falling. I'm just terrified that he won't feel the same way. The poem was basically everything that I've been feeling the past few days. I really would like to just have some solidarity or some knowledge about how he feels. I'm just not sure how to ask him about it without sounding like a child... which I'll admit, I still am...

Idk... I just don't want to go back to myself being "bad". I just really need to keep staying good, and with Jay, it's really easy to stay good, but he understands that I'm going to slip up a little every once in a while, so he's "supportive" silently. He understands what I'm feeling without me even having to say anything, and I both love that, and am terrified by that. I guess that's really all I have to say...

Just more of the usual I guess...
I'm just REALLY happy these days as well... and a LOT of that is from Jay... some of that is from being medicated these days as well...

Falling?

I don't want to sound like every other worn-out cliche.
I don't want to open myself up to you more if you aren't feeling the same way.
I'm scared of getting hurt, and I feel like I've fallen for you more than you have for me.
I'm scared of telling you how I feel because I don't want to be told you don't feel the same way.
If I told you I Love You, what would you say?
If I told you I think I Love You, would you react differently?
I don't think I can just "go with the flow" any more.
I want a little something more.
I want to know how deep you are into me.
I want to know how much I mean to you.
I want to know because I think I love you, but I'm too scared to say it out loud because I've been hurt so many times in the past.
You make me feel SO Good, I don't want to think about how easily you could destroy me now in my fragile state.
You have the upper hand in this relationship, because you are the solid one.
You are the one who knows what they want out of life.
I don't want to sound like every worn-out cliche, but I don't want to open myself up to you more if you aren't feeling the same way.

After The Panix

So... I slept Amazingly the night after my last post... the panic attack lasted for a good hour and a half. Then I texted Jay and between his classes he came to the comp club and just held me. It felt really good for him to just hold me and make me feel safe again. I had gone to my room and laid down to try and get over everything, and it helped. I also almost fell asleep a little bit, so I was really happy that I'm feeling better. I still start to get shaky a little bit these past couple days, but then I just look at Jay, or give him a hug, and it stops.

He and I were talking last night, and I told him that I have daddy, commitment, and abandonment issues. He didn't bat an eyelash. I'm so glad that he is able to recognize that I've got some really horrible demons, and he also is over the stupid drama from like high-school, so he's JUST what I need right now. I really like him as well, which always helps. He He He. ;-)

He and I were also talking about how even though he scares me because he can read me so well, I was glad to hear that things scare him as well... like the fact that he always knows the Perfect thing to say, but it's always when he doesn't mean to say it. Idk, I just had to say that I was doing better... In fact, I'm doing Great right now... I just need to not think about my Ex any more, because he is possibly my worst trigger that I've ever found...