screw Up

I feel like i'm not able to do anything right at all these days. I wish that I could not upset Jeff anymore... i want to be such a better person/girlfriend/student. I can't help felling that no matter what i do these days i'm always messing up, or pissing someone off... especially Jeff... It seems like everything that i do always pisses Jeff of, or i feel horrible about after i do it. I know that i should be eating and stuff, but after i do, i feel like crap. Whenever i do anything, it always seems to come back to bite me in the ass... might this be from going off of all of my meds??... because i haven't really gotten any sleep in the past 2 weeks either... i mean... i know that i've been getting at least 6 hours a night... about... but it still doesn't feel like anything... and don't anyone say anything about me going to bed earlier, because i've tried. I've tried to go to bed at 8, but still don't fall asleep till around 10 or 11. it's always going to get better... some time... but i'm just not sure when that will be.

food II

whenever i start to eat to fool my parents, i end up eating 10 bites of mashed potatoes and carrots, and a small piece of corned beef (that was what they cooked tonight for dinner)... and i always feel like i'm going to get sick after i eat, but i can't make myself get sick right now... it hurts too much, because i've got a sore throat as well right now as well. I just really wish that i knew what to do this time, because being me right now sucks. I want to just take my knife and cut all of my fat off of my damn legs, but i know that i'd just be called crazy if i did that... but it's what i want... i want all of this fat on my legs and stomach to be gone. i want to have all of the imperfections about me gone, but i do admit that i like my boobs, though. and Jeff really likes my bubbly butt, but i really don't like the fat that clings to it, and the stretch marks that come with it. Just shoot me now, because i'm seriously not happy in this body that i've been given... but i've changed it already once, what says i can't do it again??
I think i'll try again to keep myself perfect this time. no, i WILL keep/get myself perfect this time... and nothing and no one can stop me.

food

do we really need food to survive? how many days can we go without eating? how many days did the people in the Bible go without eating? What if i ate dinner tonight, and then i didn't eat again?... Would anyone really care if I didn't eat again?? Would people "care" if I just disappeared into nothing?? I'm so sick of my body these days, and I'm sick of being fat. i hate how i feel after i eat every day. I always get burps that hurt, and my stomach aches, and head hurts for hours after i've eaten. It seems like the only thing that i can keep down, and feel ok about it is water and pretzels. I don't really want to be here any more, i don't want my fat to be taking up too much space. I know that i shouldn't feel that way, but i do, and nothing that anyone really says can change my mind.