Panix

I've been thinking a lot about my past relationships, and I really can't help thinking about how I've messed up all of my past ones. I'm terriffied that I'm going to really mess up the Great thing that I"ve got going with Jay. I trust him, and he calms me more than anyone that i know ever could... but thinking about messing it up... i start to panic attack... it's NOT good. my hands start to shake, my neck and jaw tenses, and my legs get sooo antsy, i don't know what to do...

I hate panic attacks... but I really don't know what to do other than "power through them". I can't put my life on stand-still every time I get one, because They sometimes last for hours... ... ... Breathe.... Just breathe... focus on the task at hand... try not to draw attention to myself... Breathe.... think about good things... don't get scared... change iPod to playlist for this...
Hld Your Breathe, Make a wish, count to three... kenny Loggins... relaxing... Mother Ocean... Jimmy Buffett... calming... Just put your head down and not freak out... just try and stay calm... try and relax. try and focus on the task of typing this blog out. Process things. why am I freaking? because once I start, it's soo hard to stop... what started it? THinking about messing it up with Jay. Why would i mess it up? Because i always seem to for one reason or another...

nope...

put head down...

breathe...

go sit in comfy chair...

try and stop shaking...

sleep.

Idiots

Why do drivers think that just because they're in the car it makes them big and tough?

I'm about to cross the road AT The crosswalk outside my dorm, and I can see this SUV and they're driving TOO Fast on the 25 Mph road. I'm in a black coat against WHITE Snow! You don't stop because you're too much of an asshole, and then when i flip you off because you could see me, you stop short and harass me! There is NO need for that. You say that you couldn't see me, well, I'm in a light jeans and black jacket combo. Those 2 colors are the safest to be going around in, because if you can't see my light wash jeans against the dark pavement, then you'll be able to see my black coat against the SNOW that is on the ground that is Pure White.

I think that if you can see someone in the crosswalk and choose to speed up so that you don't stop, (and I was waiting right where the crosswalk started, so if you hadn't stopped, you would have been paying MY Medical bills, and I would have sued you so you would have been paying ALL of my university bills from not will I get my PhD) you deserve to be flipped off. I do it ALL the time, so don't think that you're special. You also don't need to start screaming at me that you'll "break my fingers" and such. If I had wanted to, I could have taken down your license number and called the cops because You threatened ME. I didn't think you were worth it, though, so I didn't bother wasting my time. I had something to do which is why I was outside in the cold to begin with.

This rant just Had to happen, because I'm sick of stupid people Not stopping at the crosswalk on campus when I'm going to cross the street. Especially if it's young people. If it's an older driver, I honestly don't mind letting them go, but if it's someone young/middle aged, they need to stop, and if they don't, I flip them off. I sometimes mumble under my breath "d-bag" but that was honestly the FIRST time I've ever had someone stop their car and get out to yell at me about it. Also; I'm sorry, but you don't get to pull the " I didn't see you" card. I've been dealt that enough, so I'm not going to take it any more.

If you don't see me under the streetlight, in the road, with the aforementioned clothing on, you shouldn't be driving at night because you're blind as a bat.

P.S. You looked and sounded like a drunk redneck...

S.O.S.

Wow... just had a major freak-out...

Before that I was writing in my journal about how I don't like to be weak...

I've been writing in a journal instead of blogging because my ex was reading this, but I'm pretty sure he is done stalking me, so I'm writing on here to talk about other things that I don't write about in my journal, or about the same things, just after I've put my journal away.

SO... I guess the reason I'm writing now is because I just had a major freak out that started with me writing and ended with me having a slight panic attack with lots to cutting with my trusted safety pin...

I really wish that I was over that, but I guess I'm really not. I've been writing a lot about how I like being miserable... and I'm not sure what it all really means, but I know that Jay makes me "happy"/not think about that as much, so I'm going to stay with him for now to see how things go. I think that they'll turn out really good, I just need to get over my stupid shit...

I just Had to write it out... Not Traz and Bed...