More utter nothingness

it's been over a month. I've got a new boyfriend. i started cutting again. I can't stop feeling like i'm completely going crazy. i can't feel happy when i'm with Ethan, can feel happy when i'm with anyone else. Can't help myself, and no one else can help me. no one can help me because i don't know how to help myself. i feel like i'm spiraling back down to where i was. I hate the fact that even though i want to change, and do things that i have always wanted, and that i want to do again... i just can't bring myself to do it. I can't bring myself to have sex, to fall in love, to want to get married, to want to have kids. I can't bring myself to do it because i don't want to get hurt again. Jeff was a deep cut, and was probably my first really deep cut too. i cried so hard when he cut me off, and I did such stupid things... I am just seeming so hopeless... what if i didn't wake up in the morning? would anyone even notice?

another update on my non-existant life

ok... well... that friend who i was ranting about at the end of my last post, she apologized, and Jeff and i broke up again because "i've changed too much." but... it's been over a month now since he broke up with me the 1st time, and so i'm not crushed. probably because i know that i can live without him, and i don't have to be with him. i've done a lot of thinking about him, but i've found that the past few days, i haven't been able to stop thinking about someone else. it's been so different. but really nice. i'm not trying to be someone else. i'm just being the me that i'm liking to be now. i like how i'm not having to walk on eggshells every day.

Total Update!!!

ok... so... soooo much has happened in the past few weeks. after still mot getting much sleep, i finally crashed, and everything seemed like it was going to be ok. then Jeff started getting moody... it seemed like every time he heard something that someone said about me, be it truth or fiction, he seemed to get very pissy and distance himself. then he broke up with me. he said it was because I was making things too stressful, but i knew that it was things at his house and school, and other stuff that was what was really getting to him... i told him that, and now he finally does believe me. because we're back to being friendly again. I'm still a little making sure that i am always telling him the truth, and so far, so good. I've taken a vow of celibacy, and that's been going quite well also. i've been a bit moody the past few days, but i think it's because i don't really have a healthy place to yell/shout/scream, and all around vent my anger and frustration at. My teachers (my SS teach specifically) doesn't know what the fuck she is doing, the guidance guy wants me to take forever to apply, when i'm just needing copies of papers to send to my schools of choice, and then i'm set. i don't need people psycho-analyzing me and my choices. I just need to spend a limited amount of time with those types of people to get my grade, and to get the copies of the papers that i need. how fucking hard is it to print off a couple papers!?!?

i'm just sick of people being such ass-holes. especially my mother. she's been asking me every fucking 5 minutes "are you ok?"... when i say yes, she ALWAYS says "you sure? you don't look it"... wtf am i supposed to say to that woman?? "ya, i'm pissed off at everything, and especially you for always fucking breathing down my goddamn neck!"?

i guess i just really need to hit something. or someone... perhaps someone who is trying to a)steal my boyfriend, maybe not for her own pleasure, but just to keep me away from him, or b) sleep with my boyfriend... i mean... she doesn't have enough fuck buddies!? and she's had how many abortions!?!?... ya... she's told me about at least 7... at LEAST... so ya... nothing is going right, i'm pissed at everyone, and i'm fucking bored as hell in study hall... at least i have Pi Story...

screw Up

I feel like i'm not able to do anything right at all these days. I wish that I could not upset Jeff anymore... i want to be such a better person/girlfriend/student. I can't help felling that no matter what i do these days i'm always messing up, or pissing someone off... especially Jeff... It seems like everything that i do always pisses Jeff of, or i feel horrible about after i do it. I know that i should be eating and stuff, but after i do, i feel like crap. Whenever i do anything, it always seems to come back to bite me in the ass... might this be from going off of all of my meds??... because i haven't really gotten any sleep in the past 2 weeks either... i mean... i know that i've been getting at least 6 hours a night... about... but it still doesn't feel like anything... and don't anyone say anything about me going to bed earlier, because i've tried. I've tried to go to bed at 8, but still don't fall asleep till around 10 or 11. it's always going to get better... some time... but i'm just not sure when that will be.

food II

whenever i start to eat to fool my parents, i end up eating 10 bites of mashed potatoes and carrots, and a small piece of corned beef (that was what they cooked tonight for dinner)... and i always feel like i'm going to get sick after i eat, but i can't make myself get sick right now... it hurts too much, because i've got a sore throat as well right now as well. I just really wish that i knew what to do this time, because being me right now sucks. I want to just take my knife and cut all of my fat off of my damn legs, but i know that i'd just be called crazy if i did that... but it's what i want... i want all of this fat on my legs and stomach to be gone. i want to have all of the imperfections about me gone, but i do admit that i like my boobs, though. and Jeff really likes my bubbly butt, but i really don't like the fat that clings to it, and the stretch marks that come with it. Just shoot me now, because i'm seriously not happy in this body that i've been given... but i've changed it already once, what says i can't do it again??
I think i'll try again to keep myself perfect this time. no, i WILL keep/get myself perfect this time... and nothing and no one can stop me.

food

do we really need food to survive? how many days can we go without eating? how many days did the people in the Bible go without eating? What if i ate dinner tonight, and then i didn't eat again?... Would anyone really care if I didn't eat again?? Would people "care" if I just disappeared into nothing?? I'm so sick of my body these days, and I'm sick of being fat. i hate how i feel after i eat every day. I always get burps that hurt, and my stomach aches, and head hurts for hours after i've eaten. It seems like the only thing that i can keep down, and feel ok about it is water and pretzels. I don't really want to be here any more, i don't want my fat to be taking up too much space. I know that i shouldn't feel that way, but i do, and nothing that anyone really says can change my mind.

Daddy

I'm furious with a man who died 8 1/2 years ago. I know that it sounds strange, but I am. he left me hanging in the dark... he said that we were going to make all of these plans, that we were going to do all of these things, and we never got to do anything because he decided to be selfish... I don't know why i'm feeling in such an October type of mood, but i am... I'm feeling abandoned right now, and completely helpless... I feel like i've let so many people down in one way or another by me being like I am... and i'm feeling like i fucked up with helping Kare sooo many times. I have looped completely from screaming in my car on the way home to feeling lost, scared, helpless, abandoned, useless, and a complete waste... I don't know what to do... because i want Kare to be able to do good on his English final tomorrow morning... so i'm not going to call him... i think that the easiest thing for me to do would be to just take a hot shower, and then go to bed... but I can't... i have to stay up until my dog comes in... which won't be till my mother comes home... sooo... i get to sit here and try and expel all of my bad thoughts and other things onto this blog post so that i don't do something stupid that i'd have to try and hide from Kare, and the cast...

I guess that the only thing that has kept me sane through this entire night is the fact that i've been at a theater/on a stage a lot of the night... so i've tried to keep myself busy... whether it be worrying about Kare, trying to keep him distracted, trying to keep myself busy...

I just don't know anymore... I'm sorry Kare... I Love You, but other than that... at this moment in time... i just don't know... I WILL see you in the morning, though... i can promise you that...

100th Post

Wow... my 100th post... and I'm gonna have it be a fucking rant...

Crazy gram has been seeing me for the past 2 days... I hate her, end of story. She has had kidney issues, and her doctors told her to do this, and do that to stay ALIVE... she's gained at least 75lbs since i remember her as someone i wanted to spend time with. She has gone all over New England and in doing that has completely lost her grip of reality. She is broke from all of this traveling and she is wearing her husband, my Grandpa, down. He has had to come out of retirement to "support" her and this life which she thinks is completely normal. She comes to my house the other night and she completely is everywhere. She is doing this and this. She is cleaning out her purse, looking for crappy birthday gifts
(ok... some of the things that she got me i REALLY like... like the necklace I was wearing today and will be wearing tomorrow... but other than that... it's a bunch of crap that only she thinks is ok to give me...)
and other stuff ike that. Then, when we finally sit down, and she starts to give me my gifts, and talk, and be "normal" she starts cramming Jesus down my throat... AGAIN!!!

Ever since I can remember my grandmother has been VERY spiritual, and i'm totally fine with that... it's when she makes me go to church, or forces my mum to go and she makes me go that bothers me. I worship in my own way, in my own time, and she will never really realize that. A Lot of people don't realize that I am SOOOOO uncomfortable in a church. I'd rather be in the middle of the woods with my iPod, meditating and taking in the wonders of this earth than listen to a sermon.
I hate conforming to the standing, singing, sitting, listening, standing to greet your neighbor and not knowing them and having that be awkward, sitting again, listening, standing, singing, sitting, listening, then standing to "leave" which is really having to socialize for 20 minutes before you go home...
Don't get me wrong... in the right environment (Chop Point) I am very "bible oriented"... but when i'm not choosing to be there, and i'm forced... then have to think about stuff, and have to talk about it later... i HATE it... I hate being forced to do anything... but going to church is top on my list.

My grandmother once forced me to go to church, and i had a huge fight with her about me not wanting to go... I went, to get her to shut up, but we soon left every church that we went to because she didn't like it... After that day, she's never forced me to do anything that I didn't want to do... but those around her have, especially my mum.

Tonight, after my shower, i went downstairs and gave my mum and grandpa a hug goodnight. My grandmother was pre-occupied with my dog, and also she's changed so much that she's a complete stranger to me. I've made it a goal in my life not to hug strangers, but when my mother called me back downstairs, I knew that it was to give her a hug... I did, because I didn't want to threaten to call Crisis on her, and have to admit to her about how I know them so well... but it was quick. After that I went upstairs and continued to get ready for bed, and my grandpa came up... he said that I should be better to her, and I said "i've made it a thing not to hug strangers, and that's who she is these days. I hate it, but I don't know her at all," and unless she is willing to go somewhere and get professional help, i'm not sure if that will ever change... By go somewhere, i mean admit herself to a mental hospital... but she'll never do that... because she's already too sick in the head to do anything... and the fucking state will side with the mentally ill in a case like this so we can only call Crisis if she is doing harm to herself... I wish that my mum would... but she's too proud to do that... and they won't take my word because i'm only 17...

gah!... it's quarter-past-10, and i've got school in the morning... grrr... and i'm Really tired too...

i've needed to get this off of my chest for a while... so... i feel better...

~Angel

No One Knows

Printing a few of my chapters of my novelette, it made me feel better. Getting everything together... it's been making me feel better.

Someone that doesn't know the history that I've had with... let's call him "The Enemy"... doesn't know what has happened. They don't know why I've acted the way that I have towards him, and they don't know why I said what I said. These people don't know why I've had to cut him out of my life completely. They don't know how much I used to care about him, but now when I think about him, all I get is a knot in my stomach and it's filled with wanting to just slap him across the face, even if he's done nothing wrong. They don't know that he's changed so much, and that he was the one that made me worse. They don't know that he was the one that let me keep staying loud, annoying and generally just what I was trying to let everyone else see for so many years.

No one knows why we used to act the way we did, and no one understands how we used to talk to each other. No one understands what happened last time that we talked, and no one will ever know, besides Kare, because he read it... That was the last time that we talked, and i haven't gone back since... I sent him one e-mail telling him that everything was over. He responded because I wanted to know if he had any questions. After he said no, I said goodnight, and got offline. Shooting dirty looks is the only thing that I feel that I can do these days to make him uncomfortable. I want him to stay as far away from me as he can, and till he is never there, as in next year, I don't know what I'm going to do without Kare.

I Love Kare, more than I have ever loved someone else. Looking back at the time... I now know that I tricked myself into falling in love with The Enemy. I thought that I was in love with him because he was cute, he was nice, and he was there for me. I was wrong, though. He wasn't there how I needed him to be there for me, and I could always see myself without him in my life. I never knew that I wasn't being myself. I was trying to be what he wanted me to be, to make him happy, so I could have stability and what I thought I needed in a relationship. I thought that I needed someone to be there for me who would just make me push past all of my troubles, but that only allowed me to push them under the rug, and to run away from them.

I've been needing to face my problems head-on for years, and The Enemy never let me do that. He only let me be what he wanted me to be. He put me on this pedestal and didn't let me down. It was only till I came crashing down that he saw me for who I really was. It was only till I crashed down to earth that everything became real for me. It was only till I crash-landed that I saw what I had been doing for FAR too long. It wasn't till I made a mess of everything that I could start taking control of my life again, whether that was in a destructive or helpful way, I just started to take control of my life however I wanted to.

Woah, I don't even know where I wanted this to go... but... i think that i've been writing this long enough... I hope that everything is taken care of tomorrow. So that everything can go seamlessly on Friday!!

Writing

"I guess I get to be the bad guy.. and I am fine with that."

Those words were said by an arch-enemy. They held meaning as well. I wanted to know if he had gotten the letter that i sent to him, but i couldn't just call him... so i asked him online... When he said those words about it... i couldn't lie and tell him that they weren't true, because they are... he was... and you were right... as soon as he thought that he could get some action elsewhere... he stopped caring about what I thought, what i said, and everything that he was known for because he thought/thinks that he can get some action/commitment/adoration/attention from another person... i've already told him that... if he hurts her... he'll have me to deal with... He said that he wasn't scared... but... he doesn't realize just how many cards I am holding...

I guess the main reason that i'm writing this tonight is because... i'm back to writing my novelette again, and i'm really getting into it a lot deeper... I need to print it tomorrow, so I have hard copies of it... but... it's going to be a long process...

wow... i'm fighting to keep my eyes open... i'll finish my thoughts in the morning... till then... think about this...

"What does writing do for you? What does a powerful speech, saying, word, or even a simple quote say to you? Does it change you forever? Do you just let the culture immersed in the pages, in the syllables, or in the words themselves slip right in one ear and out the other?? Where would we be without writing?"

Letter to my editor 2

Dearest Editor:

I Love You more than anything in this world, and I can't imagine my life without you. This last month has been the hardest month of my life. Every October included, because... every day, I didn't know what to do with myself... and... now that you're home, i still don't know what to do with myself. So... now i'm just completely lost. When I'm with you, everything feels right, but... without you, i'm even more of a wreck than i was with you gone. I can't stand these nights alone, without my Love. I can't stand this. I want to just sneak over every night, and just be with you. The reason why i've been so picky/naggy about you calling me when you leave to go somewhere, or where you get home from being somewhere... it's not because i'm possessive... (that's only if you're with Graci)... it's because I want to make sure that you're ok, and are safe. I worry sooo much about you every single day I don't think that i will ever stop till we're together forever, till we're living together, and I can always know when your'e home, because i'll be waiting for you. That's why... whenever you can... i'd REALLY appreciate it if you could just text me/give me a quick call when you go somewhere... or get home... so that I KNOW that you're safe. I don't care if you have to do other stuff, or if you can't get online to talk to me... i don't care, as long as you're safe. because... i don't know what i'd do without you.

Gnawing Truth

Ever since you said something yesterday... I haven't been able to get it out of my mind...

"You were addicted to Pain killers."

I can't stand that I was hooked on them... but... what you said/how you said it held a truth. They were such a big part of my life... and... I gave them up... for you. When I used to wake up in the morning, and wasn't able to really concentrate without taking a hand-full of pills. I was a druggie... and... I am just sooo scared that I'll relapse... I live by this rule... and I Know that you've heard me say it before:

"The 13th step is ALWAYS Relapse."

I live by it, and I am sooo terrified that I'm going to completely lose it one of these days and I'm going to slip up and REALLY mess up. I'm sorry that I feel like that... but... I do feel like I'm going to completely fall back into my dark spiral. I can't even begin to tell you how scared I am... but... I know that you'll be there to help me when I'm feeling down... I know that you will be there to help me when I'm feeling like I'm going to completely lose it. I know that you are always there for me, and that you will always help me when I need your help. It's been bothering me, and has completely eating at my mind... but... I'm sure that you will be able to make my mind feel better tonight/tomorrow morning...

I Love You Kare Bear... I want you to know that... and I'll do anything to not fall back into that bad shame spiral that I was in... even if that means that I have to admit myself to some place that is safe... where you can still see me every/every other day...

Love/compatbility

I took it to be sure... (because i was already sure of it... i just wanted to see if a stupid calculator online could tell if we were perfect together...)

ok... so... for the past few days... i feel like i've been "haunted"... or at least been "watched over" by 2 people... one of which i'm planning on spending the rest of my life with, and the other, who i have never met, but... is a great part of my life already.

I don't mean that i'm feeling like someone's ghost is following me... i just feel like she's protecting me, and... giving me strength to get through this past 3 weeks. It's been strangely comforting to feel Ash and my dad there... but... it's also been very scary... because... i want to believe that they're there... i want to believe it sooo bad... but... I just can't believe that they're there, or that they're sooo close to me with being sooo far away.

That's another thing... Ever since Kare came home... it seems like every time that we try to have a serious conversation it turns into a fight... i'm just REALLY not sure where to go from here... I Love Him more than anything in this world, but... when it comes to us talking about stuff like who i've been talking to, or stuff that i should do... I know that he understands... i just... wish that i could respect his wishes a little more... i wish that it was easier for me to... but... I'm just not sure how this is going to be tomorrow... when we go back to school... and everyone is stopping us to say "HI" to Kare...

I'm just sooo completely lost without him by my side... and... this past month... has been sooo hard for me without him there, without being able to read him... because... knowing how he is, and how he feels... that makes me feel better... just knowing that i can tell if he's feeling good, bad, or if he's totally blocking everyone out... i don't care what he's feeling... just... knowing that i know what he's feeling makes me feel better... i know... i'm rambling, and i'm not making any sense... but... I'm trying... i'm trying to be good... and nothing bad has happened that i didn't tell him about... so... i guess i'd better stop before my head starts to hurt... I'll talk to you at rehearsal... because i'm gonna get there a little early anyway... (like around 1:45)... so... ya... and... if we want to tell her our big news today... so be it... but... if we don't... we can just wait till the right time...

I Love You Kare Bear, more than i've ever loved anyone, anything, or anybody... (i know that the 1st and 3rd are the same... i just had to say it in 3's)...

Longest Week In My Life

it's been 9 days since i saw my love... I can't stand being sooo far away from him... I don't know exactly where he is, people ask where he is, and i just tell them that he is on vacation... but... that's a lie... (technically)... I've been sooo strong this past week, but... being away from him... i can't see him.. i'm completely shutting down.
Everything that i do, makes me miss him even more... even going on websites that we went onto together... it kills me, i have to stay busy, though... No one knows how lost i feel right now... because they're probably never had their love ripped away from them, without even getting to say goodbye...
When I think of what he might be going through, i can't even think straight... I cry every time i start to think about him, and when i start to miss him... i get a knot in my stomach, and my eyes start to water, and i can't help but cry.
WHY CAN'T HE COME HOME!!!!!!!!

Helper

i've just spent the past hour at least helping people in a chat room for emo/self mutilating kids... and you know what... i felt like i really made a difference... i helped 3 people, and made a new friend... i was surprised how easily the help/advice came into my head, and was there on the screen a moment later... and the things that i said actually made sense... almost all of these kids had been physically abused... and i could only empathize with them, but when it came time to talk about cutting, and other things like that... i was there... 1000%... i could know exactly what these people were going through, and it sounded good coming out of my fingers... i mentioned You at least 10 times... and i told them about the CJ you carved.

but then i told them how we've been clean for so long, and they actually believed that we could do that with just Love and dedication...
i told them about my baggie, and how i gave it to you...
i haven't told them about how you're holding onto my pocket knife... but eventually i will...
I told them a lot, but i kept it vague... like i know how to... i used the nickname
SuicidalAngel
It felt so good to help people... and i actually thought about becoming a shrink while i was talking to them...
It would be great... i could help teens... and make sure that they didn't go through My Black October... I'm thinking about sleeping, but my mind is racing... i can't sleep... that's what Theater is for... with a Sub... i can sleep... '

I Love You Kare... and to my other readers... SPREAD THE WORD!!!!

Missing someone special

people all mourn differently... some mourn by making out with strangers who might possibly be their relatives at the wake of the deceased. Others may take a drive, and end up at a sentimental place for that person and the person who has passed. Most of the time, though... at any wake... you'll see a bunch of people crying, and telling stories about this time and that time with the "dearly beloved"... that's not what i do...

at my dad's funeral... i was the only dry eye (that was related to him) in the entire funeral home... same thing at my grandfather's and grandmother's... but you can be sure that i was crying in my bed every night after i heard the news... and even up to a week after the funeral... i feel like i have no soul when i go to things where everyone else is crying...

if i'm trying to make someone else feel better over a loss... the only thing that i know how to do is to either:
a) distract them, and make them laugh, or
b) just hold them, and tell them that everything is going to be okay...
i feel like neither of these methods work very well... my mother did these things with me... she also said the whole "people die, kids get over it" thing... i just don't get my mother any more these days...

i tell her that i've got issues... and not even 10 min after i've told her... she's trying to get me to laugh, or blaming me for doing something wrong, or telling me that i'm just trying to get attention... Not once has she actually tried to get me help, other than when i didn't need it... not once has she really cared about how my day went, or about what me and Kare are doing... Not once has she genuinely asked me how my day went... she's just going through the motions... and the sad thing is is that i'm her first child... i'm NOT her last, but i am her girl... i'm not HER Angel... i'm Kare's Angel... she tells me all of this stuff that she wants me to do for college, and when i tell her that i've found the campus that i want to go to... she doesn't even hear me... she doesn't ask about it at all... she just pretends that i'm going to go to Messiah still and so that she can visit... BULL SHIT!... i'm going to the University Of Windsor with Kare... we're getting out of the US... and headed up north...

M mother is just going through the motions nowadays... she's pretending that she's there, but really... she's just a stranger that i share a house with... she doesn't really care about what i do... as long as i get a job, so i can pay for my own stuff... she doesn't care... and when i try and tell her that she's not paying any attention to me, she plays the "work card"... and blames me for her having to get a second job... it's not my fault that the Real Estate buisness is down, it's not MY fault that it's not paying that much... it's not MY fault that she has a cruddy job at HOme Depot... and yet... whenever i say that she isn't paying any attention to me, or anything like that... she ALWAYS finds a way to blame me...

i don't know what else i can say... i wish that i couold more in with my Kare tomorrow... but i can't... i guess that's it for now...

~Angel

Bad Day

Well... I had a bad day today... and it's not because of Jeff not being able to text to me, it was because of something that a friend said... and i don't think that i got a wink of sleep at all last night because of it...

i was trying to give him some advice about something that i've gone through (spraining your wrist) and he wasn't listening to my advice about it, because i haven't taken his advice about taking better care of myself...

he said that he "understands" what i'm going through, but i say that if you haven't been through something that you're trying to help someone with... you're just like a white female in this day writing about black slavery... you may know all about it, and have seen people go through it, but unless you were there, you can't really help people through what they're going through...

you can be supportive, but you can't say that you understand unless you've actually been through something... and not a friend of yours... You...

It's been pissing me off... because whenever he says that he understands... i just laugh inside, because i know that he's full of crap... he might have a few issues... but his life is on the fucking Good Ship Lollipop... at least he still has his parents together, at least he is good at something... so what if his sister's a little dysfunctional... HIS LIFE IS PIE compared to mine...

Issue of the night?

i have no idea what happened to updating this every week... or even bi-weekly... but i don't care... i've finally got someone who loves me for me...

Anyway... the reason for this post...

i'm up at almost 2 in the morning, and all i can think about is my dad...
Yes... Daddy... the one who left me forever at the tender age of 8... I just don't know what to say about him... but i really feel like i sort-of have a rant coming on...

"He left me, and for a little while, i was fine. but now I need you to be here by my side. I'm not that little girl, i was a long time ago. I'm growing up so fast now..."

Lyrics to a song that i wrote... i think that they're completely fitting... Although... Daddy didn't walk out... but he did choose to leave me... it's not like an act of God could have made him do what he did... dammit... i always try and make these things as vague as i can... but when i'm talking about this... i just can't... I wish that he was here so i could tel him all of the things that he's missed. I wish that he had been here to see me "graduate" 8th grade, to meet my first real boyfriend, to see me through the heartbreak of a break-up... to meet Matt... to help me through October, but most of all... i just wish that i had a father-figure to help me through those bad times, and to catch me before i fell. I think that if he'd been around... i wouldn't be HALF as fucked up as i am... just because a ton of my issues come from Daddy leaving... including why October is a Toxic month for me. I don't think that my life would have been better... but i do think that a lot of the hardships that i've been through i wouldn't have gone through if he'd been alive...

If i had just one wish, i would wish to see my dad right before he left, and warn him about how life was going to be for others if he did leave... i would tell him about all of the bad times that Angela, my mother, his family, and mostly... I would face because he was gone... i would tell him/show him my arm, and tell him that it was his fault... because he abandoned me... then i would have him meet Jeff... the only guy that i trust with my life, my heart, my soul, and my body... The only guy that i can ever imagine spending the rest of my life with... and i would tell Daddy that he wasn't able to see me get married because he was gone... forever...

I feel like i'm going to be sick. and my head hurts... i'll finish this tomorrow @ Skool... during rehearsal... if i remember to bring my laptop... if not... you'll get it later tomorrow...

Week By Week

My life is going sooo great... i'm actually just thinking about cutting down writing on here to a weekly thing... or else i'm going to be writing about nothing. I finally feel like my life is going in the right direction... I'm in love, and Jeff is a GREAT boyfriend. He's loyal, trusting, caring, cute, and completely mine. He's always there when i need him, and always know how to make me smile... even when i don't want to. His parents also really like "us" and me... which is a plus in any relationship... I feel at home at his place... not out of place... i mesh perfectly with him, and his life style, and everything about him... I hate to sound cliché, or pun-ny... but he really really is my other half... he's the Antony to my Johanna, the Roger to my Mimi, the Kare to my Angel. I Love Him, and I'm head over heels in love with him. I can't stand being away from him, and I just always want to be with him. I could gush forever over this... but I don't think that I should... because I think that I'd start going in circles... even more than i am going because of how much I am in love with Jeff.

Lost In Blissful Love

OK... so... i know that i haven't written on here in like 15 days... but a LOT has happened in that time. As you all know, Jeff and I are together, and i'm finally getting my life on track. I really feel like everything that i'm doing these days is right. We've spent every weekend together, except for 1... It's been great. Seeing him makes my day so perfect. Now that his parents know that we're dating, It really has been a lot different than when I was with Matt... I don't really know what else to say... Jeff is my Night In Shining Armor, and he's taking me to new hights that i thought were impossible with Matt...

Spending all of this time with Jeff has really made my relationship with him... a lot better than any other relationship that i've had with any other guy... i mean... last night, we were hanging out in his room, he was helping me work on my song, and i was on his bed, and we weren't doing anything sexual, and his dad comes and tells him that we needed to be in a "more public" place... whatever... if they had let me, i would have slept in the pool room, right next to Jeff's room, and just snuck into his room and slept in his arms. as it is, i went into his room this morning and woke him up with a kiss... I liked doing it...

I have no idea why i'm saying all of this, but i feel like i should tell people... and i really feel like writing on here... about how damn happy i am...

I LOVE JEFF M. FOREVER!

Love Is...

People are always asking what Love means, and people want to know when you know what love really is... I know that I've found my Knight In Shining Armour now... and i know that I'm in love... this is real... because even when he's just been gone for a few minutes... i miss him like crazy... and when I'm talking to him... nothing else in the world matters... I always want to see him happy, and try and comfort him when he's sad, or just feeling down... I love how he can brighten my day with just a smile, and how nothing can go wrong when I'm in his arms... i love how i feel when i'm in his arms... and how warm, and comfortable i feel when he's looking at me... but most of all i love him... i don't know what else to say... i guess that's all i needed to say... because I'm in love, and i've never been happier than i am right now... because i know that he's always going to be there, and he knows some of the things that i've gone through... so he can help me even more than anyone could have...

wtf

what's going on with me... I just had probably the best day in a while... and then after I got home... I started thinking about the past... and then after I did that... I started thinking about how my life got how it got so messed up... I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff... and that with 1 bad word, or 1 wrong move... I could be pushed off... or jump ... So... I'm sitting here... waiting for someone to talk to... and i'm trying to get my words out onto this post... but i just can't seem to... i can't seem to think what i'm feeling in straight words... Last night i cut... it was the first time in a long time... and after i was done... i felt better... then i felt dizzy... like i felt too good... but then... after i fell asleep... i had good dreams... dreams that i haven't had in a long time...

One Dream i was getting ready for my wedding... i had the perfect dress... the perfect wedding party... and the perfect groom... and then it came time for me to walk down the aisle with my father... he was actually there... This was in an alternate universe... and i was so happy... then... when i was walking to the altar... to see my new husband-to-be... he turned his face around... and he was smiling sooo much... seeing Jeff... it made me really happy...

when i woke up this morning i felt a little better...

Happy New Year

ok... so... i feel very lazy because this is my my first post of the new year. but everything is going great in my life right now... Sure... Sarah may be mad at me... but i've got Jeff... we aren't officially bf/gf... but we are together, and we will be forever. I just don't get why Sarah's so mad. I mean. i brought in the new year right with Jeff. a guy who really truly loves me. i'm sorry that she couldn't do the same with her guy... but whatever...
so... Matt and i broke up... and now Jeff and i are going to make our dating official on Monday at skool... and this time it's going great... we've only had 1 problem, and we worked it out.. i can't help feeling like this is going to work out... i mean it... i'm just so happy right now... i guess that it's just that everything is going so perfectly. and i love it... i thought that New Years was going to be me, alone... or worse... me and my parents... ugh... the horror... but thankfully Jeff realized through our talks that i NEEDED to get out of the house... and so he invited me... i went... and after his parents and sister and friends went to bed... we did the dishes, watched South Park The Movie, and then brought in the new year right... our way... no we didn't have sex... we just laid there in each other's arms... (for some of it) and it all felt right...

Then the week started, and after Matt wasn't mad at me an more... i decided that it might be best if Jeff and i made our relationship public... because i can't stand walking down the ahll with him, and not holding his hand, or not kissing him goodbye before i go to class... I've fallen head-over-heels, loopy, crazy in love with him... and i couldn't be happier that i'm with a guy who knows what i've been through, and can help me more than i ever knew possible just by siting on IM with me for hours at a time... it's great... i could keep on rambling on about how much i love Jeff for hours... but i don't have that long... so i guess i'll end this... I LOVE YOU BABE!!!

~Angel