today...

Shaking, Trembling, really... Rise against in the background, Foreground, All Ground. Don't really know what to think of everything today. Realized that my mother is the only person keeping me alive right now, and even then, the urge today is almost too strong... already cut twice today... okay, I really just dug my ring into my thigh till it broke skin, but when I don't have anything else to "cut" with, it'll have to do... Been shaking since Abnormal Psych... Think it had to do with the topic today... Mood disorders. So first I was thinking of Daddy and his depression, and me and mine, and then again with the thinking of people with Gram and BiPolar... (oh ya, Gram died last month). But ya... It just really was a HUGE trigger today, and I'm wishing that I had skipped class, but I don't think that I could have brought myself to do that. I just... I care so much about my Psych classes that I don't think that I could ever really skip them unless I was really feeling sick, and even then, I'm pretty sure I would just medicate and continue on. My head has been pounding for the last 2 days, so I think I've expected this to be coming on, but I didn't think that it would be to this extreme. I mean, Mum really is the ONLY person/thing keeping me from killing myself with a good, well-done overdose. Today I was thinking of what I would put in my note, and I've been shaking on and off for about 2 weeks... my wrist itches to be spliced open, but my body knows that it won't happen there... my leg, and possibly torso this time... they will feel the sweet, sweet release of my pin tonight. I can't hold it back any more... I was writing "cut cut cut" in the margins of my notes the other day in Social Psych... I've been fixating on it for a while, I just really need to either get high, or cut... either way I'll go flying tonight, which is what I really need. I need a good fly in the almost-spring night to clear my head. As Rise Against goes deeper and deeper into my cerebellum, I just keep thinking about the sweet release that only a pin and clear skin can give me... Oh! to see the crimson rubies drip down my leg and pool on the floor before I clean it up. Oh! to feel the release that only that can give me. No drug can really get me as high as that, and no amount of sex or bodily pleasure could ever even come close to getting me to feel as wonderful as having my skin opened again and again by a small, discreet friend who knows just how deep I need to go, and can get me there Every time without fail.