Sooo...

Ya... Falling... I think I've done it. I think I've fallen in love with Jay... or at least am falling. I'm just terrified that he won't feel the same way. The poem was basically everything that I've been feeling the past few days. I really would like to just have some solidarity or some knowledge about how he feels. I'm just not sure how to ask him about it without sounding like a child... which I'll admit, I still am...

Idk... I just don't want to go back to myself being "bad". I just really need to keep staying good, and with Jay, it's really easy to stay good, but he understands that I'm going to slip up a little every once in a while, so he's "supportive" silently. He understands what I'm feeling without me even having to say anything, and I both love that, and am terrified by that. I guess that's really all I have to say...

Just more of the usual I guess...
I'm just REALLY happy these days as well... and a LOT of that is from Jay... some of that is from being medicated these days as well...

Falling?

I don't want to sound like every other worn-out cliche.
I don't want to open myself up to you more if you aren't feeling the same way.
I'm scared of getting hurt, and I feel like I've fallen for you more than you have for me.
I'm scared of telling you how I feel because I don't want to be told you don't feel the same way.
If I told you I Love You, what would you say?
If I told you I think I Love You, would you react differently?
I don't think I can just "go with the flow" any more.
I want a little something more.
I want to know how deep you are into me.
I want to know how much I mean to you.
I want to know because I think I love you, but I'm too scared to say it out loud because I've been hurt so many times in the past.
You make me feel SO Good, I don't want to think about how easily you could destroy me now in my fragile state.
You have the upper hand in this relationship, because you are the solid one.
You are the one who knows what they want out of life.
I don't want to sound like every worn-out cliche, but I don't want to open myself up to you more if you aren't feeling the same way.

After The Panix

So... I slept Amazingly the night after my last post... the panic attack lasted for a good hour and a half. Then I texted Jay and between his classes he came to the comp club and just held me. It felt really good for him to just hold me and make me feel safe again. I had gone to my room and laid down to try and get over everything, and it helped. I also almost fell asleep a little bit, so I was really happy that I'm feeling better. I still start to get shaky a little bit these past couple days, but then I just look at Jay, or give him a hug, and it stops.

He and I were talking last night, and I told him that I have daddy, commitment, and abandonment issues. He didn't bat an eyelash. I'm so glad that he is able to recognize that I've got some really horrible demons, and he also is over the stupid drama from like high-school, so he's JUST what I need right now. I really like him as well, which always helps. He He He. ;-)

He and I were also talking about how even though he scares me because he can read me so well, I was glad to hear that things scare him as well... like the fact that he always knows the Perfect thing to say, but it's always when he doesn't mean to say it. Idk, I just had to say that I was doing better... In fact, I'm doing Great right now... I just need to not think about my Ex any more, because he is possibly my worst trigger that I've ever found...

Panix

I've been thinking a lot about my past relationships, and I really can't help thinking about how I've messed up all of my past ones. I'm terriffied that I'm going to really mess up the Great thing that I"ve got going with Jay. I trust him, and he calms me more than anyone that i know ever could... but thinking about messing it up... i start to panic attack... it's NOT good. my hands start to shake, my neck and jaw tenses, and my legs get sooo antsy, i don't know what to do...

I hate panic attacks... but I really don't know what to do other than "power through them". I can't put my life on stand-still every time I get one, because They sometimes last for hours... ... ... Breathe.... Just breathe... focus on the task at hand... try not to draw attention to myself... Breathe.... think about good things... don't get scared... change iPod to playlist for this...
Hld Your Breathe, Make a wish, count to three... kenny Loggins... relaxing... Mother Ocean... Jimmy Buffett... calming... Just put your head down and not freak out... just try and stay calm... try and relax. try and focus on the task of typing this blog out. Process things. why am I freaking? because once I start, it's soo hard to stop... what started it? THinking about messing it up with Jay. Why would i mess it up? Because i always seem to for one reason or another...

nope...

put head down...

breathe...

go sit in comfy chair...

try and stop shaking...

sleep.

Idiots

Why do drivers think that just because they're in the car it makes them big and tough?

I'm about to cross the road AT The crosswalk outside my dorm, and I can see this SUV and they're driving TOO Fast on the 25 Mph road. I'm in a black coat against WHITE Snow! You don't stop because you're too much of an asshole, and then when i flip you off because you could see me, you stop short and harass me! There is NO need for that. You say that you couldn't see me, well, I'm in a light jeans and black jacket combo. Those 2 colors are the safest to be going around in, because if you can't see my light wash jeans against the dark pavement, then you'll be able to see my black coat against the SNOW that is on the ground that is Pure White.

I think that if you can see someone in the crosswalk and choose to speed up so that you don't stop, (and I was waiting right where the crosswalk started, so if you hadn't stopped, you would have been paying MY Medical bills, and I would have sued you so you would have been paying ALL of my university bills from not will I get my PhD) you deserve to be flipped off. I do it ALL the time, so don't think that you're special. You also don't need to start screaming at me that you'll "break my fingers" and such. If I had wanted to, I could have taken down your license number and called the cops because You threatened ME. I didn't think you were worth it, though, so I didn't bother wasting my time. I had something to do which is why I was outside in the cold to begin with.

This rant just Had to happen, because I'm sick of stupid people Not stopping at the crosswalk on campus when I'm going to cross the street. Especially if it's young people. If it's an older driver, I honestly don't mind letting them go, but if it's someone young/middle aged, they need to stop, and if they don't, I flip them off. I sometimes mumble under my breath "d-bag" but that was honestly the FIRST time I've ever had someone stop their car and get out to yell at me about it. Also; I'm sorry, but you don't get to pull the " I didn't see you" card. I've been dealt that enough, so I'm not going to take it any more.

If you don't see me under the streetlight, in the road, with the aforementioned clothing on, you shouldn't be driving at night because you're blind as a bat.

P.S. You looked and sounded like a drunk redneck...

S.O.S.

Wow... just had a major freak-out...

Before that I was writing in my journal about how I don't like to be weak...

I've been writing in a journal instead of blogging because my ex was reading this, but I'm pretty sure he is done stalking me, so I'm writing on here to talk about other things that I don't write about in my journal, or about the same things, just after I've put my journal away.

SO... I guess the reason I'm writing now is because I just had a major freak out that started with me writing and ended with me having a slight panic attack with lots to cutting with my trusted safety pin...

I really wish that I was over that, but I guess I'm really not. I've been writing a lot about how I like being miserable... and I'm not sure what it all really means, but I know that Jay makes me "happy"/not think about that as much, so I'm going to stay with him for now to see how things go. I think that they'll turn out really good, I just need to get over my stupid shit...

I just Had to write it out... Not Traz and Bed...

Everything...

updating has been crap since school started... but now that I'm around computers all the time, i may start to update more recently, but who the hell knows?

I'm a HUGE flirt... That's about the existence of my life right now. Having fun with friends, writing in my journal more, and classes... that's about it. Halloween is coming up soon, and I'm excited about that... but I think that what I need to rant about today is people's dependency upon others and upon having to be in a relationship to be "validated".

I find that the idea of a relationship is completely over romanticized these days. Not to say that I do not fall into that group of the mindless drones who constantly want to be in a relationship, but I really an honestly happy being single and being able to hang out with anyone that I want to, and being able to flirt with EVERYONE.

All of my friends know exactly how much of a flirt that I am, and everyone seems to love it. I guess I really started shamelessly flirting with everyone this summer. I had a great time this summer getting to know people at OOB, and I really decided that i was just going to be open and get to know as many people as I could, and I'm SOO glad that I did. This attitude followed me to school very easily, and I really like it. The only difference between school and summer is that this summer I met a lot of people that I never have to see again if I don't want to with my shameless flirting; at school I don't have that privilege to be able to act how I want to and not face consequences. I see these people every day, and I hang out with all of these people on a daily basis, so my flirting has to be a little more controlled or else I'm VERY likely to get myself in trouble, or beaten by a girlfriend that I wasn't told about...

That's why I'm really glad that I have a lot of friends who creep for me and who can tell me the information on people that I'm friends with. That way I don't get in trouble. I really am glad that I just can put myself into the Comp Club and have been accepted by everyone so easily. It feels great to have a place that I can go no matter what and people are alwys there, and are always accepting. They let me do what I want, and most of the time they don't judge (unless it's about me liking/being on Gaiaonline, or FarmVille... LOL)!!

I guess that's all for now... People are waiting for a comp and I'm not really gaming... Till Later!!

~Angel

Did I do the Right thing?

I don't know. I feel like I did because of all of the good things that we were, but then I have to remind myself about all of the bad things that happened that I don't/can't deal with again.
I just miss the relationship, and being able to talk to him about anything, but I don't miss the fact that I had to keep reminding him a thousand times not to call me a million and one times, and to let me sleep if I have to work the next day.

I think that it was for the best. Everyone tells me it is. All of our friends on both sides are happy that it's over. People even fucking "liked" his changed relationship status on Facebook till he told them not to. I'm just feeling a little upset mostly because I miss him.
I feel like all I see around me is couples, and wishing that I was in a relationship again, but I know that I just need to be single for a little bit.

I'm also starting to REALLY miss Daddy again. He just pops into my head randomly about 1000 times a day. Which is about 100x more than usual. I really feel like this is not helping my depression and my migraines. It seems whenever I start thinking about him, I either want to cut again, or I just start feeling like I'm not myself any more and I'm back to where I was Junior Year in High School. It scares me a little, but I really don't like to talk to other people about my fucking Daddy Issues. That's what everyone calls them. "Daddy Issues" "Abandonment Issues" and that causes major Depression Trigger. I guess it's normal, but I just hate feeling helpless like this. I think I'm going to go talk to Daddy tomorrow in Portland. If I leave early in the morning, i think I'll be able to get to the cemetery in time to really have a good day with him.

I keep telling myself "Do Not Cry At Work" but I can't help it. I just need to keep strong and not let the tears well out of my eyes. I'm going to go call my Mum.

WTF!!!

If I say that I have a lot of homework to do, LEAVE ME ALONE To do it! Do NOT call me multiple times if I hang up, or text/im me again and again to pick up my phone, because I'm on a roll, and I don't want to interrupt that, so leave me the hell alone.

I have a lot of homework to do, which may be something foreign to you, because you never seem to have homework to do unless it is something that you have for Psych that you've just forgotten about or something till now, and you're still talking to me while trying to do something you don't remember the answers to because you didn't pay attention in class, and your notes are too long/you don't take any, and that's why you can't read them/look over them again because it's "too much".

I on the other hand have HOURS and HOURS of homework to do. I have 2 English classes that are heavy workloads in themselves, and on top of that, i have my Education class that requires a lot of hours of work. The work isn't hard, it's just VERY Time consuming. ALL of my classes are Time Consuming, except for MY Psych class which is HARDER/MORE ADVANCED than yours, so I don't understand why the hell you're fucking saying "oh, this is so hard, I don't understand any of it, It's too much" and Mine is actually pretty easy! Whatever.

You say that you'll leave me alone, and I am thankful for that, but then to call me and tell me that I need to respect you more, when you said that you would leave me alone is total shit! I AM BUSY now, and I honestly don't want to talk to you, or anyone else for that matter, till I am DONE with my homework, but if you keep calling me and aggravating me like this, because you CONSTANTLY are calling me again and again and I can't do it. I can't talk to you because I AM RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF IMPORTANT WORK!! You just don't seem to understand how fucking important ANYTHING Is besides running and YOUR classes, and even then, you don't really seem to get that because you aren't paying attention in half of your classes!!! I don't care if you "know it all" all ready, or if the professor is "repeating themselves" YOU NEED TO PAY ATTENTION IN ALL OF YOUR FUCKING CLASSES!!!!

When I say that i need to study, it's honestly saying "I have to work, leave me the fuck alone till I CONTACT YOU again! DO NOT Contact me while I'm studying because you're more likely than not fucking up my studying, and throwing me off of my train of thought completely because you've PISSED me off SOOO Much Because YOU Fucking don't get that I NEED TO KEEP WORKING TILL I AM DONE WITHOUT DISTRACTIONS, OR ELSE I DO NOT GET ANY FUCKING WORK DONE!!!!!"

I'm Sorry, but my phone is staying off for the rest of the day, and you have ROYALLY pissed me off, because you're NOT Letting me study, which is stressing me out, which is pissing me off at YOU because right now YOU are the one who is causing a hindrance to my studying, to my passing my classes, and to my GRADUATION!!!!! So if you want me to drop out and just spend all my time talking to you, please, just tell me now and I will, because it seems like that's what you want because God Forbid I'm Online WAITING FOR YOU to get online, because I KNOW that you'll want to talk to me, and I Don't Fucking Text You AS SOON As I get online!!! Do you know how that feels?? It's almost like you are ALWAYS NEEDING NEEDING NEEDING to talk to me! I Don't ALWAYS Need to be talking to you! in fact, most of the time, I Do NOT want to be talking to you when I say that I HAVE WORK TO DO!!!!!

I guess this all comes down to you always wanting to talk to me, and interrupting my studying, and which pisses me off, and sends me/you/us on this downward spiral. I WILL NOT NOT NOT NOT Have you do this any more!! I have HOURS of work to do, and if you don't fucking leave me the hell alone during the time when I say that I'm working, then we WILL go through WEEKS when we do not talk. This is the first weekend of MANY that I won't talk to you, if you keep wanting to do this and not let me study. Either leave me alone till I Text/Call/IM you, or We will NOT be talking. That's how it HAS to be right now because Unlike You, I Have TONS of homework to do, and if you're like this now, I can ONLY IMAGINE how things will be when my homework gets even HARDER, and even MORE Time Consuming!

I Love You More than ANYTHING!! But when you piss me off, that's just about the LAST thing that I want to be telling you because you should KNOW THAT!!! But it just seems like if you are ALWAYS asking to hear it, you NEED to hear it to be confident in yourself, and in our relationship. I'm not going to do that, so either grow up and realize that People Do Not Tell Each Other That They Love Each Other 5,000 Times A Day, or I'll just make you a recording of me gushing for you, so you can play that over and over to yourself so that MAYBE it will FINALLY stick that I LOVE YOU AND ONLY YOU!!! No other fucking GUY is EVER going to change that, and i don't even LOOK at other fucking guys!! So STOP with that RIGHT NOW!!! Just Leave that alone, because I don't know HOW MANY times I've told you (EVEN AFTER MY Oops) that I DON'T LOOK AT OTHER GUYS!! and you STILL fucking think it.

So, thank you for upsetting me,
Thank you for distracting me beyond getting right back to work,
Thank you for Pissing me Off beyond wanting to yell,
Thank you for calling me again and again, and texting me about "no I Love You?"
and finally, Thank you for NOT listening to me about the fact that I have WORK To do!

OMG COLLEGE!!!

Oh My God!! I haven't been on here in FOREVER, and I'm in COLLEGE now!! This is my second semester that I've been here at UMF, and I'm really excited. So, Ethan and I broke up for a little bit because the stress of being at school was too intense for me, and so we're back together now, and it's even better than ever. We're talking a LOT more than we weren't, and we are a lot better in general.

So... What's been happening with me. Mum moved to Mass to be with Crazy Gram, and Jeremiah has been living in New Jersey for almost about a year now... and now I'm living with Grammie Cheryl in Bethel, and going to school at UMF.

Last semester was really hard for me because mum sold the house right before I left for school, and so it was really hard for me to get past the fact that mum is over 7 hours away from me. Also the fact that Ethan and I were apart a lot, and were trying to still talk and stuff like we did in High-School was really hard for both of us, Especially for me.

Anyway... I went to my mum's for the week before Christmas, and then came back to Maine to work the day after Christmas at The Loaf. Then I worked every day for a few weeks, and then I did that till the beginning of the semester. Now that the second semester has started I'm starting my Education classes to start on my journey to become a teacher.

I think that that's enough for this post. I'll be posting more this week, and in the coming works, because I'm working with this all the time now.

Ttyl World!