Bad Day

Well... I had a bad day today... and it's not because of Jeff not being able to text to me, it was because of something that a friend said... and i don't think that i got a wink of sleep at all last night because of it...

i was trying to give him some advice about something that i've gone through (spraining your wrist) and he wasn't listening to my advice about it, because i haven't taken his advice about taking better care of myself...

he said that he "understands" what i'm going through, but i say that if you haven't been through something that you're trying to help someone with... you're just like a white female in this day writing about black slavery... you may know all about it, and have seen people go through it, but unless you were there, you can't really help people through what they're going through...

you can be supportive, but you can't say that you understand unless you've actually been through something... and not a friend of yours... You...

It's been pissing me off... because whenever he says that he understands... i just laugh inside, because i know that he's full of crap... he might have a few issues... but his life is on the fucking Good Ship Lollipop... at least he still has his parents together, at least he is good at something... so what if his sister's a little dysfunctional... HIS LIFE IS PIE compared to mine...

Issue of the night?

i have no idea what happened to updating this every week... or even bi-weekly... but i don't care... i've finally got someone who loves me for me...

Anyway... the reason for this post...

i'm up at almost 2 in the morning, and all i can think about is my dad...
Yes... Daddy... the one who left me forever at the tender age of 8... I just don't know what to say about him... but i really feel like i sort-of have a rant coming on...

"He left me, and for a little while, i was fine. but now I need you to be here by my side. I'm not that little girl, i was a long time ago. I'm growing up so fast now..."

Lyrics to a song that i wrote... i think that they're completely fitting... Although... Daddy didn't walk out... but he did choose to leave me... it's not like an act of God could have made him do what he did... dammit... i always try and make these things as vague as i can... but when i'm talking about this... i just can't... I wish that he was here so i could tel him all of the things that he's missed. I wish that he had been here to see me "graduate" 8th grade, to meet my first real boyfriend, to see me through the heartbreak of a break-up... to meet Matt... to help me through October, but most of all... i just wish that i had a father-figure to help me through those bad times, and to catch me before i fell. I think that if he'd been around... i wouldn't be HALF as fucked up as i am... just because a ton of my issues come from Daddy leaving... including why October is a Toxic month for me. I don't think that my life would have been better... but i do think that a lot of the hardships that i've been through i wouldn't have gone through if he'd been alive...

If i had just one wish, i would wish to see my dad right before he left, and warn him about how life was going to be for others if he did leave... i would tell him about all of the bad times that Angela, my mother, his family, and mostly... I would face because he was gone... i would tell him/show him my arm, and tell him that it was his fault... because he abandoned me... then i would have him meet Jeff... the only guy that i trust with my life, my heart, my soul, and my body... The only guy that i can ever imagine spending the rest of my life with... and i would tell Daddy that he wasn't able to see me get married because he was gone... forever...

I feel like i'm going to be sick. and my head hurts... i'll finish this tomorrow @ Skool... during rehearsal... if i remember to bring my laptop... if not... you'll get it later tomorrow...

Week By Week

My life is going sooo great... i'm actually just thinking about cutting down writing on here to a weekly thing... or else i'm going to be writing about nothing. I finally feel like my life is going in the right direction... I'm in love, and Jeff is a GREAT boyfriend. He's loyal, trusting, caring, cute, and completely mine. He's always there when i need him, and always know how to make me smile... even when i don't want to. His parents also really like "us" and me... which is a plus in any relationship... I feel at home at his place... not out of place... i mesh perfectly with him, and his life style, and everything about him... I hate to sound cliché, or pun-ny... but he really really is my other half... he's the Antony to my Johanna, the Roger to my Mimi, the Kare to my Angel. I Love Him, and I'm head over heels in love with him. I can't stand being away from him, and I just always want to be with him. I could gush forever over this... but I don't think that I should... because I think that I'd start going in circles... even more than i am going because of how much I am in love with Jeff.