The Perfect Boyfriend:

When she pushes you or hits you like a retard because she thinks shes stronger than you:
[ Grab her and don't let go ]


When she starts cursing at you trying to act all tough:
[ Kiss her and tell her you love her ]


When she's quiet:
[ Ask her whats wrong ]


When she ignores you:
[ Give her your attention ]


When she pulls away:
[ Pull her back ]


When you see her at her worst:
[ Tell her she's beautiful ]


When you see her start crying:
[Just hold her and don't say a word ]


When you see her walking:
[ Sneak up and hug her waist from behind ]


When she's scared:
[ Protect her ]


When she steals your favorite hoodie:
[ Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night]


When she teases you:
[ Tease her back and make her laugh ]


When she doesn't answer for a long time:
[ reassure her that everything is okay ]


When she looks at you with doubt:
[ Back yourself up ]


When she says that she loves you:
[ she really does more than you could understand ]


When she grabs at your hands:
[ Hold hers and play with her fingers ]


When she bumps into you with her big ass hips ;)
[ bump into her back and make her laugh ]


When she tells you a secret:
[ keep it safe and untold ]


When she looks at you in your eyes:
[ don't look away until she does ]


- Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything.


- When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go.


- When she says she's OK don't believe it, talk with her.


- because 10 yrs later she'll remember you.


- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her.


- Treat her like she's all that matters to you.


- Stay up all night with her when she's sick.


- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think it's stupid.


- Give her the world.


- Let her wear your clothes.


- When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.


- Let her know she's important.


- Kiss her in the pouring rain.


- When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is;
"Who's ass am I kicking baby?"



I thought that this was sweet, so i copied it off of Myspace, and put it on here... with a few minor adjustments. So... everything has been happening so fast, i guess I've just gotten swept up in the rush of it all... so... Friday... Matt and i broke up... and i felt really good about it because He and i are sort-of back together... it's not official yet, but I'm his, and he's mine... we are sort of "getting away from our problems" but it;s by following our hearts, not our heads that we can do this... i love him, and i always have... since the first time i said it to Him... I've always meant it... and always will... i love how i feel right now, because it seems like everything is in the right place now... I'm not fighting with anyone, i am loved, i am in love, i feel safe, i am free to be me (that's a big one) and I'm genuinely happy, which i can't say i have been for a while... it felt like when i was with Matt, i was always trying to be good for him... i felt like his little china doll, that couldn't ever get a scratch... but now that I'm with Jeff... i know that I'm not made of glass, but of something stronger... and i can mess up every once in a while, i just have to be truthful about it... and that doesn't meant that i can cheat on him, tell him about it, and then it's all OK... no... it means that if i cut, or i do something stupid like that, that i tell him, and he'll hold me, and lie to me and tell me that everything will be OK, even if we're going into an Armageddon...

i love this feeling... and i hope that it never goes away.

i'm sad

ok... so... i'm finally letting myself admit that i love Him, and Matt... i don't know what i should do... because He knows that i love Matt too... but Matt doesn't know, and will NEVER know that i still love him... I just really am at a loss for words... and i'm shaking, my throat is closing up... i just really badly want a hug, from Him, but i know that he's not that wanting to talk to me right now... and i guess i deserve it... but he tells me not to love him, and i can't stop loving him... i just wish that we could go back to last night, and have me get of the net before anything happened... because it seems like that would've been a lot easier...

to stop him when we were fighting about how he's "not kawaii"... would have been so simple... but i wanted to see how far it would go... i wanted to feel that rush from him... but i guess i'll never know that feeling again... i'm just sick to my stomach, and i think that he might have done something stupid... i just want to be there with him... and hold him... and then drive away with him... away from all of our problems, away from all of the other people that would pass judgement on us... i just want to load up my car and drive away "off into the sunset" with Him at my side, MCR blaring...

What's going on...

What's going on with me? What's going on in my life that makes me text Him in a desperate attempt to try and get everything straightened out. Why can't I know what's the matter, yet I know in the pit of my stomach that something... no... Everything is going wrong... I feel like I'm losing control over my life... and it makes me feel horrid... I hate it when I can't take control and make everything better. I just want to curl up into a little ball, or drive off into the night, and forget about every single bad thing that's going on in my life... I just hate this... if i keep typing... i'm just gonna end up repeating the same stuff again and again... so... i just feel like i'm out of control and i want to just get out of all of my trouble...

Christmas
A time to be thankfull that a bastard child was born.  A time to think that we're special... A time to be nice to everyone... A time to act like everything in the world is fine, even if it's not... 

so... over the past few days i haven't really done anything... oh... but i did tell my mum about my suicidal thoughts, and she didn't do shit about it... just like i knew she'd do... she was concerned for about 5 minutes... and then just dismissed it like it never happened... and then in my stocking this morning... she gave me a POCKET KNIFE!!!
how stupid do you have to be to give someone who you know to be suicidal a knife... that's small enough to be snuck anywhere?... pretty damn stupid...  
anyway... after that i got a car, and all was forgiven... 

Anyway... back to the x-mas thing... why do people feel that this "is the most wonderfull time of the year"?... there are more deaths, suicides, and crashes than any other time of the year... and it's a completly commercialized holiday now... i find it very sad that people don't have to go to work, so they can spend all day sitting on their asses, surrounded by their SHIT that they got in their stockings that morning... or that "santa" gave them... i think that the world needs to have a year without gifts, and just remember that this time of year is to celebrate Christ coming to earth... It's a time of year where we sould humble ourselves, not raise ourselves up on a pedistle of gifts that we're going to eventually throw away, re-gift, or lose, then throw out... i guess all of my holiday cheer is gone... with the fact that i'm  officially depressed... and no one cares, except for Matt... 

~Baby

IDIOT!

i feel like such an idiot... Jeff and i talked all day... and i blew off Matt... not on purpose, but i did... anyway... after talking to Matt on the phone around 5:15... my night got a little worse because he was being an insensitive ass... anyway... after telling Jeff... and him making me feel better, and telling Matt that i didn't want to talk to him any more tonight because he had a bad day, and was taking it out on me... anyway... after Jeff made me feel better... and he gets off for the night, he goes onto his blog, and wrote out the story of Cain and Abel... at the end of it... he wrote that he didn't care about me, and that he didn't want anything to do with me again... so... i texted him... and we got into this "fight" and he said that because he didn't want to make things worse, but now he sees that he doesn't give a fuck about me... then i told him that he made my day go nicely, and he turns around and gives me the "taking candy from a baby" bit... and says that he won't reply to any of my texts, or anything... so i don't know where we're going to be in a few weeks... but Matt's right... we're being like a yoyo... going up and down with our Talking/not talking modes... i guess that i really just can't do this anymore... 

Toxic Kiss Reply

Reading Toxic Kiss
It made me realize
that as i may be dead
i'm still human in his eyes
he might still care,
but never how he did before
Matt is really pissed
because we're just knocking on the same door
knocking on the door, 
that leads straight to hell
into my personal cirle
to that place that dries the well
it comes up hard, and fast
then goes away just as quick
today i think i felt my heart break
and i really hated it
the stabbing that i felt
in my inner chest
was really scaring me.

it scared me because
i thought it would break all together
and to put it back, would be hell
and i'm not sure i'm ready for that again... 

I Hate This

This is how i feel my relationship with 'Him' is...
it used to be something beautiful, and something that some people envied... our friendship was important to me... but now... it's dead... and is just another thing that has died in my life... nothing will ever go right for me... I feel like I'm destined to live my life without feeling like the world revolves around me... i feel like whenever i get close enough to feel me doing that to my self, or to someone else... i do something stupid that completely shoots me far out to left field... it's just like i can't be what people expect from me... and as much as i don't want to... i always end up hurting those around me...

maybe I'm just better off not living, not breathing, not taking up space... it makes the most sense... i would have killed myself a log time ago... if it weren't for Matt... he loves me, and i love him... he's the only thing that's going right in my life these days... He isn't talking to me, but i still can't help feeling completely safe between the two of them... i know that he would probably screw me over like i have done to him so many times before, but i still trust him with my life... why do people do that?

Why do people trust those who can probably hurt them the most? i mean... why do i still love Him... when i know that i shouldn't... why does my heart break every time that i see Him laugh, or even crack a genuine smile... why do i obsess about that dream that i had? and keep having... ya... i dreamt it again last night... i just chose not to tell Matt... because he doesn't like me talking about Him... i still love Him... but it's just as a friend... i know that I've said that about Matt... but i did some real soul searching today... and I realized something... I can't help how i feel... these 2 guys both have rooms in my heart... it just happens that Matt has a more lavish room, but Jeff is comfortable in his room too... i don't know... i guess i should get to sleep... because as it nears 11 o'clock at night, i find myself hoping that i have skool tomorrow... whatever...

~Baby

Bordom sinks in

i don't know what to do with myself these days... i feel like nothing is going right, except Matt... other than him... everything in my life is hell.  Jeff won't talk to me, in fact he's not even reading this any more... and my parents are being total asswipes... i just can't stand anyone any more... most weekends i stay in my room, and surf the internet, but when my stepdad unplugged the internet the other night... i ihad nothing else to do... so i went to bed... without dinner... i really just want something to happen... anything besides a fight with my parents... but it's not like amything like that is going to happen... i just really hope that we have skool tomorrow... because i really just want everything to go back to normal... 

I mean it... i'm so bored that i've spent all of my time on familyguynow.com... now i'm not saying that it's a bad thing that i'm catching up on my Peter Griffin... but i really just want to do something with a bit of substance... it was either that ot Scrubs... but i watched that yesterday... 

it gets me thinking about what we talked about in Wellness the other day... about suicidal people going through with it because they are bored... but i think it's just because we're all fucked up in the head... my gram's bi-polar... doesn't that shit like skip a generation?? cuz that would explain a lot... oh well... i guess i should just go back to my watching T.V. on the net... 

~Baby

Love

Feeling my man's warmpth against my skin
is the best feeling i've had since 'him'...
to feel his love, through my clothes,
makes me shiver from my head to my toes
i can't help it, because i know
that in the morning he'll be there to hold.

Smelling his scent, it makes me high
one sniff, and i know that i can fly
i can fly without fear of falling
because he'll be there calling
to make sure i'm safe, and hold me tight
and to love me every single night.

Seeing his face, makes me blush
my body gets warmer, all in one big rush
i feel the heat, of his loving gaze
it makes me feel like i'm the goal of a maze
my lip curls my mouth, and a smile goes on
but i can't help it, i'm madly in love.

~Baby

Suicide Pt. 2

I can't stand it
the voices going through my head
they're teling me that i'm worthless
that i'm better off to be dead.
These voices are unmistkably
telling me to die.
When I tell him these things,
all he can say is why?
I really don't want to tell him,
that i've been thinking these thoughts for years
To see that look in his eye,
it breaks my heart inside, i know
but for me to let him in,
is just as hard as letting him go.
Keep dreaming of going away,
forever leaving this place.
to get away from every cliche, 
and these reoccurring pains.

When people see that i'm not myself
i shrug it off, and say that i'm just tired
but everyone knows that i'm just killing myself
slowly, from the inside, i feel my body giving up
and my head, heart and soul are following close
i don't know what else to do, 
other than shut them out so they won't die too
Feeling the pills in the closet calling to me,
and the scarf in my room taunting my neck.
The problem with feeling like this, 
and knowing that dad did the same,
is that you're more ready to do it
and it seems more sane.
Than taking a gun and making a mess, 
for some soul to have to pick up.
It's just a mess, that you're not worth, 
so just slipping away is a lot better for everyone
 
a single tear rolls down my cheek, 
as i say goodbye to everyone i love
my future looks so bleak
i tell him it'll never happen again
but i' know that i'll be back here next week
so i'll say goodbye now
to the people i've loved
so that when i'm in heaven
they know that it's them that i'm thinking of.

~Baby

Suicide

The blood running down my leg,
rubies melting into my skin.
Thinking about how to die
suicide becoming more and more therein.
Seeing myself hanging, or collapsed apon the floor
he doesn't like me thinking it
but living seems like a chore.
I can't see the sense in living any more
whenever i try i always screw up.
I'm dying, i can feel it
i'm not just "in a rut" 
my soul is giving up
and my body is starting too...
These aren't normal thoughts,
well... maybe they are, to you.

Mistakes

getting a thought out of your head is hard, especially when it's about someone who will never be ther for you again... no matter how hard you want them to be there...

I had thoughts about my dream all today... and i'm just not sure that i can say goodbye yet... every sorner that i turn... i still remember things that we did... i can see the shadow of him and me, just hanging out, laughing... not even when we were together... just when we were friends... i miss just talking to him about A7X, and stupid Family Guy quotes...

I just want us to be able to talk... but i guess that that's never going to happen... seeing as how i've completly screwed him over 3 times... and you know what the saying is... "Screw me once, shame on me; Screw me twice, shame on you; Screw me three times, shame on you again..." and i've done that... so i guess that you can blame me for everything...

even how there is no oxygen in outer space...

I really can't stand seeing him every day... but i guess that it's my torture for hurting someone that i really thought that i was great friends with... why am i even here, if i just keep hurting all of those around me... and i keep letting down those who build me up to be more than something that i am... i really just can't keep on going on like this... knowing that with every move that i take... it's the wrong one... and that i can never make things right...

~Baby

Do Dreams Mean Anything?

ok... soo... when i woke up this morning i had just woken up from a weird dream... but the end of it was the freakiest part... at the end of the dream... i handed a little girl my cell... and right as i did that... my phone started to ring... and when she opened my phone and started to talk... i could hear who it was... and it was Jeff... and the scariest part about that was in my dream... i had been repeating 7 numbers over and over... and at that moment i figured out that they were his cell phone #...

as the little girl was talking to Jeff... i looked at the girl... and realized that she was me... she was me before anything bad ever happened... she was the me that I've been trying to find... and there she was, plain as day, talking to him... i couldn't hear the conversation on both ends... but it sounded from her side, that he liked talking to her... and that she was happy to finally meet him...

Then i woke up before the call ended... and my laptop was there... so i went online and the first place that i went was to his blog... i doubted that he'd posted anything... but he had... and when i read it... it helped... i don't know why, it just really helped calm my fears that something bad was going to happen... i don't know what it really says about me... but maybe you'll be able to tell me?

~Baby

Friends...

I have no idea what's going on in my life...
I feel like I need to get away...
Go away, and never look back on the faces I once knew...
Or at the love I once shared...
To get away is my one reason to live...
and to run away with him...
to leave everything that we know behind...
and just ride with the moon as our wings...

I don't know where we'll go...
or what we'll do there...
but as long as I'm with him...
I will never care...
I miss him from the moment he's gone...
till the second I see him again...
I don't know what I'd do...
Without my rock, my savior, my friend.


i really just felt like writing something... and i really don't know who it's directed at... but if you think about it... it could be directed towards Matt, which is the obvious one, God... with that savior line... or towards Jeff... because as much as we might not be talking... i still feel like if i was in trouble, and it was just me and him... i still feel like he would help me... at least i hope he would... but if he wouldn't... i understand...

I really don't know what to say to him these days... because as soon as i try and be nice... he lashes out, and he may not realize it... but he hurt me Friday... with just 4 little words... he ruined my entire day... i know that he may not have seen it... or if he really cares... but i had tears in my eyes... because i still want his friendship... but i know that we can never be friends like we were before... not without a lot of "counseling" and talks about what the other really, and truly wants... whether it's best for the other or not... i guess that's why I still have his blog bookmarked... so that if he writes something... i can read it... and hopefully get what he wants me to do about it... if anything... i guess i'm just having a hard time letting go of one of the people that i really and truly do still trust with my life... let him do what he wants with it... because i'm about ready to give up and say hello to Daddy...

I'm Sorry

blood running down my leg
the wound is open, raw, and fresh.
how the cut is raised when it's new. 
it feels good.

Not caring if i ever see light of day
or see my love again
just want to escape from here, 
and never feel pain again.

not sure how it started, 
but i really love the thrill
having him go away hurts more,
but i just want to forget.  

want to forget all the pain from before,
and focus on my leg
my shoulder will also bleed tonight...
but that's another tale


i know that i've hurt you... but i never meant to call you a toxic friend... i meant that our friendship was toxic... and it was us... we were toxic to each other... and only when we were in any type of relationship... you aren't a toxic friend to anyone but me... but i know that that's not true for myeslf... it seems like wherever i go, i always end up hurting people that are near and dear to me... i wish that this wasn't the only way that we could  communicate... but it hurts too much any other way... i'm sorry for that mistake, but mostly... i'm sorry that you hurt yourself because of something that i wrote

we're done!

ya... Jeff and i are no longer talking... and i am actually OK with it... i mean... I'm still going to check his blog... but that's all... no more scathing e-mails, no more hate-filled texts, and no more of this "this is the last time I'm going to contact you" crap.... i really think that I'm going to be OK with this... I was talking to Abby about him earlier in the day... and she agrees with me that he really just is toxic... i know that I'm a toxic friend to him too... so our friendship can never work... no matter how hard we try...


strangely enough... i did one of those stupid "Chinese proverb" bulletins that choke the board on myspace... and it told me to think of 2 people's names, and put them in 2 different spots... i chose Matt and Jeff...

the funny thing is that it said that Matt was the person that i love... and it said that Jeff was the person that i wanted to be friends with/have a relationship with, but it cannot work... if you ask me... that hits the nail on the head

I think that I've finally found people that really truly care about me... and i guess that I've never had that before... i mean... the friends that i had in middle skool were nice... but as soon as one of us said something that the others didn't like... we'd get into a big fight and not talk for weeks... and then we'd get sick of it, and all of a sudden start talking again... I'm still friends with only 1 of those girls... and we still don't talk that much...

When i decided to go to the "different skool" than everyone else... i was happy to get away... but i was also scared... I'd moved a lot before... so i knew all too well what it felt like to be the new kid on campus... but i was totally stretching my boundaries... I'd never met any of these people... and i went from a skool where everyone knew everyone... and every one's business... to just being another face in the wave of freshman...

i got lose really fast, and then i found Matt and Ethan... and it was nice... they spent lunch with me, outside our homeroom... and it was nice to have 2 guys all to myself... and now that i spend more time looking back on that fateful day... i remember that Matt tried to put his arm around me... but i flinched away... because i was wearing my demon brace... and i really didn't feel pretty... but Matt and Ethan carrying me down the hallway... and me blowing a kiss to Ethan, and then kissing Matt on the cheek... i guess that i never even connected those things... whatever... I'm happy with Matt... and without Jeff... and i hope that it stays like that for a while... Tracy and i were also talking about that for a couple minutes today... and she said that we're probably going to work this out, and this time next year... we'll be great friends again... but i really don't care... whatever happens does... I'll just go with the flow...

Hide Behind The Flame

After I saw this picture, I had to write this post. The little girl in this picture, is me... I know... I've never seemed that innocent... but at one time I was... a long time ago, before I met any of the people that i know now, and before my world came crashing down. The flames are all of my problems... and the little girl is just sitting there with this expression on her face like she has no idea what to think of all of it... that's how i was...

i was too shocked to be able to take everything in... so Annabelle showed up (the thing on her knee) and took care of the little girl in me, and she's bee there fighting off the flames for as long as i can remember... but I'm realizing that I've got to push Annabelle away, and try and survive in the flames as myself... if i die, so be it, but i might live... and that's the tiny hope that I'm doing this for... I'm trying to push her away for the tiniest hope that I'll make it out of this fire alive...

I know that this probably doesn't mean anything to anyone else... but him leaving tore me apart in ways that no one will ever know... and i think that i've finally got all of the pieces back... so now i've got to start piecing them back together till i find the real me that i lost so long ago...

Warmness of the Soul Pt. 2

Everyone knows me as Courtney, but it's Annabelle's personality that everyone knows... They know the "whore down the hall" and she's loving the attention that she gets, but now Courtney is showing up... the real me is afraid of the eyes... except when she is on stage... That is the only real time that I'm completely myself... is when I'm on that stage... and I'm either working, acting, or just building a set... I am always Courtney on stage...

Annabelle doesn't like that type of eyes looking at her... analyzing her every move... thinking about why she's doing what she's doing... Annabelle lives for the "shock factor", the "drama" if you will... She's the one that keeps on making drama in her life... she's the one that I'm trying to stifle... the one that I'm trying to make go away... but she's just like my headaches... she might go away for a little bit, but eventually she's gonna show up again...

I do remember when Annabelle started taking control... it was when i went back to skool after my daddy went away... i needed to "be happy" and no one would let Courtney just be alone... I don't remember the exact moment when i thought of Annabelle, but i do remember the stuff that she's done... but that's a whole other post... if you want to know... you can e-mail me... or even better text... Until another ride home...

~Baby

Warmness of the Soul

i feel like whenever i want to talk... it's tabboo... why can i never talk about you without feeling like i'm cheating? I'm not, and i don't want you as any more than a friend... but it feels like i'm looked at with pins and daggars whenever i mention your name in a conversation... whoever it's with... 

Everyone knows my reputation, and they have a right... but it's the judging that i can't stand, and the pointing and names that i know that they call me behind my back... Whore. Slut. Cheap Bitch.  The names that they call me are endless, but that's just how people see me... they see a girl who flip-flops between 2 guys, and who is open with her sexuality... 

i see a troubled, torn, and confused little girl hiding behind a mask...
A little girl who has learned that the world is mean, unfair, and downright cruel to people who show their emotions, and share them all openly and honestly... I'm the little girl who hides because she doesn't know how to act like the other people... but my Annabelle does...

Annabelle's not an alter-ego that i've been living behind... she's not another voice in my head... she is the essence of what i want to be... She is who i become when i'm in the heat of the moment... when she flirts with guys, or cusses out a teacher... Courtney hides, and Annabelle comes out... ready for anything.  

The only time when Annabelle isn't there, is when Matt is there, and they're alone... just being with him makes Annabelle hide... and let's the real me come out again... under the protection of Matt, Courtney isn't afraid to come out of hiding... but most of my life has been seen through Annabele's eyes for over 8 years... 

When daddy went away forever, Annabelle showed up because mommy said to cheer up... Courtney hid... and now she's just figuring out the rules of this new game.

~Baby

I Love Matt

I'm in love with him
i can't think of any other thing
when i see him
my heart grows wings
my knees turn to butter, 
and i collapse into his arms
the smell of him... really turns me on

when i see that he's online, 
i constantly reload the page
knowing that i'm the first one,
that he will message.
Seeing that he's replied, makes me all giddy
and every time that he says "i love you"
makes me feel like it's spring.

I don't know what i'd do without him now
i'm just trying to move away
from the "bad influences" in my life
but it's just so easy to go astray
knowing that he's trying to save my life
but him saying that it's ok
only makes things worse some times
it's a never ending curse

but i never want to lose him
i would go "crazy in my head."
i think that's from Legally Blonde, 
but tonight i don't care...

To My Editor 2

You say that you're never going to hurt yourself... i believe you... but what i can't promise is that i'll never hurt myself... my leg still hurts form my last cutting... and the blood is still fresh... you say that i'm being jeckyl and hyde... i'm gonna clear this up... i DON'T want you out of my life, but you said that you needed me out of yours... so i'm working on letting you out of my life... i know that it's a hopeless case, because you already have a room in my heart... so all i can say is goodbye, and hope that i won't do anything stupid... i do care about you... and i can't help it... you're like the scars and fresh cuts on my leg... it'll take a while for you to be gone... out of my life... but every time you say something to me... it gives me a hope that you want to talk... i am TRYING to let you live your life without me... and i haven't really made any contact with you at skool... or e-mailing... i still text you because it's the fastest way to contact you... I'm sorry that my last post made you cut again... for the last time... I really just don't get you some times... i want you out of my life... but i can't get you out of my head... i'm sorry if you didn't want to hear this... and i'm sorry that you thought that i was trying to hurt you... i was VERY mad when i wrote that last post... and i cut after i posted it... should i delete it??

Peter Griffin: "Holy Crip he's a Crapple!"

~Baby

Parting words

I read what you said
i took it to heart
i'm out of your life now
and i'm fine with part
i don't know what else to say
other than i'm sorry
i guess i'm just a pain
so why do i do this to you
i guess i just wanted things 
to be like they were before
before we were at each other's necks
I'm sorry about hurting you
but i guess i don't care any more
whatever, i'm gone
goodbye forever now
i doubt that you're reading this
i just felt it needed to be said...
i'll "get the fuck out of your life",
and you can do the same with me...
i don't care at all anymore...

My name is Jeff, and everything is falling apart around me because my dad is a pompus jerk, and the one person that i loved has been gone for 3 1/2 years... boo fucking hoo... try living with the giult that your father killed himself when you were 8 because you think that you did something wrong!!! try living with the fact that your own father didn't love you enough to say goodbye, and that he'd see you later... try thinking for one second that people have more miserable lives that you do... YOU STILL HAVE 2 PARENTS, AND A SISTER THAT LOVE YOU... no matter what you say... or what they do... they love you Jeff... just like i do... well... not like i do... but they do love you... you have a good comfortable life... you're doing good in skool... you have a god friend that you spend all of your time with... and you have people that care about you... i'm not saying that my life is worse... i'm just saying that you need to stop being a damn Drama King and own up to being selfish... i kknow that not everything is about me... but you still think that everybody's lives revolve around you...  i DO CARE ABOUT YOU A LOT... but when you continue to say shit like you've been posting... i don't know what to believe... you worry me... and i'm typing ths soooo fast... i'm jittery... i can't stand what a melancholy Drama King you've become... you used to want to be on the stage... pretending to be Sweeney... but you've crossed the line... and have become Sweeney... well... i'm sick of it... i'm still going to call you... and i don't care if i woke you up... because i fucking want to tell you that your life isn't as bad as you think it is... you still have people that care about you... and your self- pity has to stop if you're going to get any real pity, or even some ficking help from people who care about you... but you're too much like your father to even realize that when you're looking at the Grimmerie with her, that i'm looking at you... and i'm trying to hold back tears because i can't stand you and her sharing something that we shared, and that was special... whatever.. i know that you've read this... but you probably haven't even started to get how much this really means to me... i care about you... i just don't want to see you go... not yet... i want to see you Monday... 

Something Real

OK... I've been posting a lot of song lyrics.. and i just want people to know that i wrote those songs a while ago... my most recent stuff is stuff that i haven't posted yet... so none of my problems are in those songs... well... they are... but it's not on purpose... anyway... i still am checking Jeff's blog daily, and so I'm just hoping that he's doing the same with me... because as much as I'm gonna try and block him out of my life... i still care, and will always check his blog... I doubt that he's reading this... so i don't know why i even try... i mean i tried to be his friend again... and i thought that we were headed on that track, but then he goes with that "needing time to think" and then starts completely ignoring me... and i just can't stand it... so I'm doing something new... with every picture that i print and put in his locker, I'm going to leave a bit of my feelings for him with it... It'll take while... but it's the only way that i can think of to get him out of my system... I'm like an addict... i need to detox... but slowly so i don't end up hurting myself... i guess that's all... i thought i'd post something real... something other than lyrics... something other than crap...

First Lyrics

You walked out
and for a little while i was fine
but now i need,
you to be here by my side
I'm not that little girl i was a long time ago.
I'm growing up so fast now,
but i guess you already know.

How is it up in heaven?
Is it what you wanted to be?
Are there angels everywhere?
How is the family?
You don't know what you're missin' down here on earth.
But we all miss you, Daddy
Why did you go first?

I'm trying to make sure
I'm always actin' right
But nowadays it's harder
the boys are in my life.
There's one i think i love
and i wish that you could meet.
I really think that he's the one
to take care of me.

How is it up in heaven?
Is it what you wanted to be?
Are there angels everywhere?
How is the family?
You don't know what you're missin' down here on earth.
But we all miss you, Daddy
Why did you go first?

Crazy Lyrics

No one understands me
feel like i'm alone
think i'm gonna go crazy
if i can't find a home
a place to have my thoughts be
and write all day in my bed
just want a place where i can lay my head

I'm gonna go crazy, terminally mad
crazy, please don't look so glad
cuz you interrupted me, and yes i'm still a girl
Crazy, and i won't say a word

Lock me up, cuz i'm a threat to myself and others
i'm glad that you can call yourself my brothers.
Please look over me and help me to do right
maybe in the morning i will see the light.

I'm gonna go crazy, terminally mad
crazy, please don't look so glad
cuz you interrupted me, and yes i'm still a girl
Crazy, and i won't say a word

You've silenced me for a long time
But now it's my time to stand out!
I'm gonna turn my act around,
It's all about being devout

I'm gonna go crazy, terminally mad
crazy, please don't look so glad
cuz you interrupted me, and yes i'm still a girl
Crazy, and i won't say a word...

~Baby

if you have a name idea... e-mail me

You never label me, or turn me into something that i'm not.
I'm just a beautiful girl, not something to mindlessly gawk at.
Whoever said a picture's worth a thousand words...
well they knew what they were talking about.
I'm deep and in some spots you can see where i've been cut

Cut open by heart break, and stiched together again.
i keep going in circles between love and pain,
but now i know you're the one who will keep me out of the rain

when i feel you in my soul, butterflies show up
my foot goes in my mouth, and others tell me to shut up
but they will never silence me from speaking 
about you because i know that your voice is the voice of truth. 

Cut open by heart break, and stiched together again.
i keep going in circles between love and pain,
but now i know you're the one who will keep me out of the rain.  

Depression Lyrics

Felling so lost and misunderstood. 
I wish you knew how you pulled off your look.
You are always smiles, and never frowns.
I wish your sadness would come around.
Everything's so peachy, and everything's right and keen.
Who are you really? What isn't seen?

You hide behind you mask all day, never letting anyone in.
You pretend to be happy when you're really hurtin'.  
No one else can see inside, but you let me see the real you.
it's tragic, and bottling it up isn't good.

Your mind thinks that you're ill, when really you're fine.
It backs you into a wall and uses your body as a shrine.
It uses your body to raise itself up, while you are feeling down in the dumps.

You hide behind you mask all day, never letting anyone in.
You pretend to be happy when you're really hurtin'.  
No one else can see inside, but you let me see the real you.
it's tragic, and bottling it up isn't good.

Hurting yourself and those around you.
You're hoping that your dream will come true
But you don't know what it is.

You hide behind you mask all day, never letting anyone in.
You pretend to be happy when you're really hurtin'.  
No one else can see inside, but you let me see the real you.
it's tragic, and bottling it up isn't good.

Sorry... I'm so sorry

I want to say sorry
I'm sorry for making you sad
I'm sorry for making you worry
I'm sorry for putting myself before you
I'm sorry for being distant
I'm sorry for disgracing you
I'm sorry for making you cry
I'm sorry for everything
but most of all, I'm sorry for falling in love with you
I know that it may be selfish,
but all of my problems deal with love
If i never loved you, i might have never hurt you
if I never hurt you, you might be happier
I might see you smiling more than worrying about me
I might not be there, but i think i wouldn't be as sad
I might still be lusting,
but i wouldn't have caused you the pain that i have caused both of us
I still would've cut, but you might never have started to worry
if i never kissed you last year, we never would be here


but...
If i never kissed you last year, we never would be here
we wouldn't be dreaming about little Eli and Annabelle, and dreaming of our wedding
we wouldn't be totally in love, and i could stop thinking about you some times,
we wouldn't hang out like we do, and I'd be miserable in classes with you and him...
I wouldn't know your Dad or mom, and know how loving they can be,
and how great they are... I wouldn't know anything
I'd still be trying to impress you in Home Room, and trying to fit in...
I would probably get high more, and cut a hell of a lot more,
and I'd probably not care about a lot less than i do today
I never would've had such a great time last year on the last day of skool
i wouldn't be planning Prom night with you
and i wouldn't even know how great of a friend Abby is, or know Arabic...
I'd probably have a lot more sleepless nights without Beary,
and I'd have spent a lot less time on the phone at camp


I'm sorry that i did everything, but I'm not sad at the results... I'm sad with the way I'm fucking everything up... you say that I'm not a screw up... then why do i feel like that? why do i feel like nothing i can do will ever be good enough for my step-dad, and why will i always feel like my daddy went away because of something that i did?? My life is spiraling out of control to the tune of my melancholy heart, and you just aren't in the melody...

Dear God... A7X Style

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Can't help but wish that I was there
Back where I'd love to be, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
’Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

There's nothing here for me on this barren road
There's no one here while the city sleeps
and all the shops are closed
Can't help but think of the times I've had with you
Pictures and some memories will have to help me through, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
’Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

Some search, never finding a way
Before long, they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in, to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to hold
when hope begins to fade...

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away
We all need the person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
’Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again


OK... i lied about that being the last post that i was directing towards you... I was listening to my A7X artist play list and this song popped up... I couldn't help but think about what you've gone through, and how this song is totally your anthem... when you're feeling sad, and missing Ash... it made me think that because it made me think of my dad... I actually started to cry... It just really made me want to take a step back and see all of the pain that I've caused in my life to other people, and i realized that you were the person that I've seemed to hurt the most... Even though every time i said that I'd never hurt you again, i seemed to fuck every time and hurt you time after time... I guess i just wanted to get things back to the way they were the first time we dated, but with every positive step i took, i took 5 negative steps back... I guess that if i had left things how they were this year, we would've eventually become friends again, but i totally fucked up any chance of that happening... I can't get it out of my head because it's all my fault... I'm sorry... i hurt you... and I've 'punished' myself... literally and figuratively... I'm sorry i ever thought that everything cold be like it was before everything went wrong... but something went right... I NEVER meant to hurt you... i was just really confused... and in need of some drama... which i got on and off-stage...

I'm sorry... I'll never bother you again... except for a glance at you when you don't think i'm looking... whatever... you didn't read this anyway probably...

~Baby

Real You

You lose someone, halfway through your life
you're changed forever, feels like
nothing you do can ever make it right.

You've got to push through the cloud,
to see the silver lining
you've got to make your way,
to the other side of the room.
You've got to take a step back,
to see what you've been missing,
But most of all, don't lose sight,
of the real you

Look back at your life before then,and how it is today.
What would be different, and what would stay the same
would you have the same friends you have now
or a totally different crew?
Sometimes you have to take the bad, with the good...

You've got to push through the cloud,
to see the silver lining
you've got to make your way,
to the other side of the room.
You've got to take a step back,
to see what you've been missing,
But most of all, don't lose sight,
of the real you

If you lose sight
of yourself
you might just lose your way
sometimes it's better
to stay, and say

You've got to push through the cloud, push through
the cloud, to see that silver lining
you've got to make your way, to the other side of the room.
You've got to take a step back,
to see what you've been missing,
But most of all, don't lose sight, no don't lose sight
but most of all don't lose sight of the real you,
no of the real you.


No, you haven't heard that song before, but i know that you've read those lyrics... they're to my first real song, Real You, and every time i sing it, it makes me feel a little better... Every day you say that you're going through a struggle to get "back to before Ash" or you "just need time to think" I think that you have the right to do that, so that's why i'm not e-mailing you or texting you anymore... i only talk to you when you reach out to me first... but i wish that you'd reach out more... There are a lot of cliche sayings in this world, and the chorus of my song is one big cliche, but i find that sometimes they work... i really don't know the exact pain that you're going trough, but i guess you'll never know what i'm going through... and i guess all i can ask is that you try and help yourself to those offering help around you... good night forever, Jeff... this is the last post that i'll be writing to you specifically...

~Baby

Untitled

I can't stand the pain that i know that you're going through... you're where i was a few years ago... but i didn't know about the torture that i could've put myself through to get rid of the pain like you know about.... and like i know about now... I'm sorry about your headache, and that you think that you have discrased her... and her memory... but i think that she'd be happy with the fact that you're dealing with your pain... i wish that you hadn't burned it... i would've kept it till you wanted it back... cuz some of that stuff was REALLY good... i guess i'll never hear it now... whatever... i don't even think that you're still reading this... i just really can't stand that you're blocking me out, and all i really wanted to do was try and help you... i know what you're going through... because you let me in... i'm glad that you did... and i'm sorry if you're regretting it now... I DO care about you... but i just don't know how to show/tell you any other way... because you don't wanna have anything to do with me... i know that not everything's about me... but you really can't have your depression consume you... i know that you've probably heard all of this before, but i feel that it needs to stilll be said again... I'm sorr about how you've gotten dealt a crap hand... but you've gotta play the game through... please don't just fold and escape... I'm sorry... i don't know what else to say... I'm so sorry... i just wanna be your friend again... i hate you hating me... but i guess It's "my fault" like everything is... and yes... you can blame me for everything... even why there is no oxygen in space... I'm sorry... i fucked up... but i'm trying to fix it... don't you see that!?

~Baby

W. T. F.

I don't understand what's been going on lately... one day you want to talk with me till 2 in the morning, and the next you're shutting me out and saying that you want nothing to do with me.  it just doesn't make sense.  I really was trying hard to be a good friend again, and i thought that we were going good, and were on that road again... we weren't going fast, but we were on the road, and then you just shove me off, and block me out... i don't understand why you did that... i get that you wanted time to think, but you didn't have to be so mean about it.  

I will wait until the end
When the pendulum will swing back
to the darker side of our hearts bleeding
I will save this empty space
next to me like its a grave
where I lay a place for us to sleep eternally together

I have been
Searching for
Traces of
What we were
A ghost of you
is all that I have left
is all that I have left of you to hold
I wake in the night to find there's no one there but me
and nothing left of what we were at all

So here I am pacing around this house again
With pictures of us living on these walls
I see my breath in the cold of the air that I breathe and I'm wondering
I'm wondering if its you that i feel if its you that i feel here haunting me forever

I have been
Searching for
Traces of
What we were
A ghost of you
is all that I have left
is all that I have left of you to hold
I wake in the night to find there's no one there but me
and nothing left of what we were at all

and I'm not looking for
anything but us
anything but what we were
and I'm not asking for
painted memories
I only want to know you're here

A ghost of you
is all that I have left
is all that I have left of you to hold
I wake in the night to find theres no one there but me
and nothing left of what we were at all
A ghost of you
is all that I have left
is all that I have left of you to hold
I wake in the night to find theres no one there but me
and nothing left of what we were at all.


ugh... it's the only thing that I really care about any more
I was high earlier, and now I'm crashing
I've had that song in my head all day.. and i just heard it on Last.fm...
I had a lot of thoughts today while i was high...
I just kept on thinking about how Jeff has been there for me all the time, and knowing that I made a mistake ruining his trust... I'm not saying that i want to get back together with him... i just wish that I'd never hurt him... and I'm really missing my dad... I just really don't know where to turn to any more... i think i might call Matt in a little bit... if Jeff doesn't e-mail me back... anyway... i just really needed to get that off my chest... and my thoughts about Jeff and I getting high, and hooking up... i know that i told myself that it wouldn't happen... but i'm not so sure now...

cutting...

hold your breath, hold the pin
take one last look before the endorphins kick in
you push down hard, and pull it fast
count to five, the blood shows at last...

you get the thrill you've wanted all day
no matter what you'll never say
no matter how many times he does it, it always feels best
when you cut yourself, with the pin you keep on your chest

Running his nails down my back does feel good,
but it's the thrill of the pin that makes it all worth
knowing that the pain is coming, instead of a dull roar
makes pulling back that pin even less of a chore

Wanting to break free from the monster
but always feeling trapped
i'm raised up when i cut
and i never wanna go back

cutting is like a drug
once you do it a few times you're hooked...
you want the way it makes you feel
to be there always... even though it may hurt

I'm telling you this cuz you deserve to know
you say "don't do that" but as you said
"pot calling the kettle black"
i can't take it any more, but when i cut, i fly

when i cut i escape from my pain
i escape from my headaches, and heart break
i may not be ready to face my problem
but you're not either... we will both hide behind our scars forever

my scars are red again, and fresh
cutting makes me feel alive
i know i shouldn't, but it's so hard to back away from the monster
i hope that you're reading this,
because to me that means that you care.

i wanna fly
i wanna fly high over the town
i wanna escape from this world
i wanna escape from all of my pain

I wanna escape from this world
i wanna go to a place where no one knows me
i wanna become a new person
i wanna leave my past behind

I wanna become a new person
i wanna shed my skin like a snake
i wanna start a new life in a new place
i wanna get away from my problems

I wanna start a new life in a new place
i wanna re-invent myself
i wanna change everything
i wanna be free

i wanna change everything
i wanna have a new body, new life, and
i wanna have a new past
i wanna be free from pity

i wanna have a new past
i wanna go to a place where no one knows me
i wanna hide from the pity i've always gotten
i wanna go away and get high

I wanna hide from the pity i've always gotten
i wanna have people to see past my past
i wanna have people not want me to be happy all the time
i wanna go away and get out

I wanna have people not want me to be happy all the time
i wanna to just let my guard down
i wanna take my mask off
i wanna stop pretending

I wanna take my mask off
i wanna have people see the real me
i wanna shed this fake smile
i wanna be the true me

i wanna shed this fake smile
but the smile is what you love
i don't wanna let you down
but i don't know what to do

R.I.P.

okay.. so... 4 day weekend!! ya!! anyway... Jeff and i are getting back on the friendship track... hopefully i can regain his trust some day... but for now i'm just happy to be talking to him... Matt doesn't like it, but he understands why we still talk... I'm listening to Ch. 4 right now... and it feels good to hear his fav. song, but smell Matt's colone... whatever... i don't have a headache... so that's good... and my dog is in a total depression... we had to put my other dog down yesterday morning, so Sam's wicked confused, lonely, and sad... China's been there since before he was a puppy... it's strange, though... he's calmed down sooo much already... i guess that's what happens... I know how he feels... but he's not gonna become emo... that would be funny... anyway... I guess i'm just trying to stay buisy today... Tomorrow i'm going over to Matt's, and maybe even Sunday too... depends on his rents... anyway... thought peeps (jeff) would want to know how i'm doing... i'm fine... just numb... and i wanna fly high over the town to see you...

false alarm!!!

everything's gonna be okay... Jeff's alive... he's sick, but i'll see him tomorow... and he's gonna start turning his life around... i'm sooo proud... i just went from having the worst day to a better day when he finally texted Sarah... i thought that i was gonna passout from being sooo glad... my knees really did give out from beneath me... if Matt hadn't been there i would've fallen to the floor...

i'm scared... i think Jeff might've committed suicide tonight... he sent me an e-mail that said to check his blog, which i've bookmarked, and so i see it, read it, and it ways that he's going on a walk tonight, and that he might not come home alive tonight... I'm really scared, and i have no idea how to get a hold of him, and i'm just really scared for him... i don't want him to die... I do still care about him, but he doesn't want to have anything to do with me... i'm so fucking scared that he's not going to come to skool tomorrow, and then i'll know that he's not here... because i've called him twice, and left him 2 text messages, and he still hasn't gotten back to me... i don't know what to do... I"m shaking with every time that i look at my gmail inbox and i don't see that he's e-mailed me back... i'm gonna be freaking till i see him tomorrow... if not... i don't know what i'm gonna do...  

Loathing, Unadulterated, loathing.

i hate my mother... she is soooo annoying and "wanting to be involved in my life" i hate it... she thinks that just because i don't want to stay around to see her and my step-dad acting like they're still together that something's wrong... THE FACT THAT HE'S STILL HERE is what's wrong... and i think that he's dating this chick named Joy... it pisses me off... my mom really needs to get laid... and NOT by my step-dad... cuz i know that they're still sleeping together, and it pisses me off to no fucking end... Why can't she just take the hint that I DON'T WANT HER IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!  She really needs to get a social life, and get a boyfriend... it would make my life a hell of a lot easier... I just want her to get out of my life, and stop trying to care, and ALWAYS asking "what's wrong" NOTHING IS THE MATTER YOU BITCH...AND EVEN IF THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG I'D GO TO MY FRIENDS BEFORE I EVEN THOUGHT OF GOING TO YOU FOR HELP YOU BITCH!!!! DO US ALL A FAVOR ANG GET LAID!!!!!!!!! 

I want you to be here in my arms, but i'm not sure if you feel the same. I want you to hold me, and keep me safe
i want you to tell me that you forgive me, and that you can love me again.
I don't care if it's selfish, and i don't care that it's just a bad dream, it's what i want...

I want you to be there for me like you said it would be. but i don't want to forget you existed, and i never will...
the scars on my leg and arm are slowly leaving, but it's the ones on my heart that will take forever to fade...

I hope that you won't drop off of the world, but help me escape... i want to go away, and never come back to the pain.
i want to light up, or tip my head back and spin out of control... i want to float off of the ground, away from all of the pain, and suffering that i have caused the people in my life...


i want to go on a trip, and not come back until everything is as it was before.
i want to be in my mind, and away from everyone and the pain i started...
But most of all i want to hide away, and never hurt another person again...

only myself...

After you see this pic, you think that I'm in love or am giving my heart away again, but I'm not... I'm trying to not hurt your heart... I'm trying to mend things in my life that are broken, like my relationship with you... i don't mean us romantically, because we're completely over that, but our relationship as friends, (if we can still salvage it) I hated seeing the look on your face while Abby told you that she couldn't find it, and i would have gone over there and told her that i was going to help her look for it, but i knew that you would get mad at me, and then would totally distance yourself... not that you're already doing that.

I really care about you, and when you tell me stuff like "i've already hurt myself, you don't have to, i worry"... i get scared, and i also start to see my grave again... i know that you want me to wipe it out of my memory, but i can't... i'm scared that you'll be buried near me, or around the same time... i never wanted to hurt you, but i guess that's all i'm good for is hurting the people that i care about... and when i get scared about knowing how a bad thing is going to happen, i lie, and then i can't stop lying... it's a form of armor for me, but i know that i need help with that now... i guess that's all i have to say now.

~Baby

Letter to my editor

I know that you are reading this, because you still have this page bookmarked, probably...
Anyway, you asked me to tell you why i chose you to lie to, and i guess my answer is because you were there... i didn't want to admit that we were nice with each other, but nothing could ever be between us... i was scared to admit that i knew that we can never be together because we are just too hurt inside, and are both too worried about what the other person will do... I do care about you, but i realize now that when i told you that i only loved Matt as a friend that i would never want to lose, i was talking about both of you... I don't want to lose your friendship, but i know that you never want anything to do with me ever again... I know what i said last time, and even the time before that about me not hurting you, and believe me... if i could go back to homecoming last year, and choose to dance with you again, i would... i would because i want, no need, our friendship... i need you to be there for me, but i know that you don't trust me to be there for you...
I lied to you because i didn't want to face the truth... well i was wrong, and very sorry... i never meant to hurt you, and i will "burn long enough in hell for that"... but i won't stand mute... i do care about you, and when i'm on stage tonight i will be trying to catch your eye every moment that i can... I know that you see it in my eyes... and i know that you have told everyone that you "called me out for the whore i am" but i tell you true, i never meant to get into this with you...

I'm just as confused as you are, but i hope i answered your question...

I can't believe this

Jeff and i broke up, but it isn't going well. We weren't going well, and he's just really pissing me off a lot lately... we have rehersal tonight, to, and with him hating me, and telling me to start living because i only have a year to live, is really making me upset... i know that he's reading this, and i know that you said that you "called me out for the whore that i am", and you "totally blew me off" it hurts me that you hate me, but it really pisses me off that you say that you're pissed because i'm back with Matt, but isn't that what you said to do?!?!?!!? i mean... am i mistaken, or is that what your e-mail about me + matt meant!?!? whatever... i needed to say this

Death Sight

okay... i know that this is like my 5th post in like 3 days, but i have a lot to say... I cut again tonight in the shower, because i was freaked... When i was talking to Jeff last night, he had a "vision" of sorts, and saw my funeral... and my tombstone was dated 2008... i'm scared, but i don't know if it will come true...
Who the hell am i kidding... Of course it will... Every time Jeff has had one of these things, about me, or people i know, they've always come true... i'm scared, and i don't know what else to say, other than; Peter, if you're reading this, I'm scared, and want to see you again... before '07 runs out... and possibly my time...
I'm going to start living my life, and not taking any chances with messing things up with relationships... I'm going to stay single, but not see anyone but the 2 guys that i love, and that (hopefully still) love me. In January first, i'm going to start becoming very wary of what i'm doing... I want to live to get married, or at least have Sex... but if i don't, i don't want to have any other regrets other than picking the guy for me...
What Jeff said really got to me, and i think that he saw that in my eyes today during rehersal... I was upset, and I really tried to just keep on working, and to get the cuts from the play into my book so that i could read the people their right lines next weekend... that is if we have the show...
I guess that's all i have to say... I hope that i don't go into a deep depression, and start cutting really badly...

relationship

Matt, Jeff and I are a big triangle... I love them both, but in totally different ways. I love Matt as the friend that I could never see go, and I love Jeff in that way that when I see him, my knees turn to jelly, and my brain goes into hyper-drive, and i can't stop that gut-wrenching feeling in my stomach... I can't stand Jeff being mad at me, and not talking to me. Him ignoring me, is worse than Matt not talking to me... I can't eat anything, because whenever I do, I feel like I'm going to puke... I mean I even felt like that all day, but I think that that was because Jeff wasn't talking to me. Anyway... Guys confuse me, and I'm totally love it!

CHECK MY PICS OUT!

http://community.webshots.com/user/playmateprincess

check it out!!

Everything's going wrong

Matt and I broke up today.
he's pissed, but 'm not sure how mad yet... i guess i'll see tommorow @ skool.
I'm not sorry, but i'm really sad about having to let one of my rocks go. thought i'd let the world go.

my cutting has gone down a little, but i have a feeling that i'm gonna have to start up again today... I think that Matt & i might break up soon, cuz he's just giving me too much crap. i can't deal with this, and having my parents breathing down my neck isn't helping... they say that they care, but really they just care about their "investment" of me...

The Crucible

"I think i love you, so what am I so afraid of?" I'm afraid that I'm the wrong person for you. I'm afraid that if you stay with me forever, and you're not my soul mate, that I'm making the biggest mistake of both of our lives... What if I'm meant to be with the other guy, and we never know that until we're fighting every night, and are sleeping on separate beds in the bedroom... or worse... I know that we might be right together, but how long until my pain, and yours can't cope together... what happens then? how long do we have to be uncomfortable around each other until one of us says those two words that can forever change life as we know it? "It's Over." We may never know.

ugh

I hate this... I like a guy, that I'm not supposed to like but he's the one that's always been there for me when I needed him.he's the one that makes me feel good, and when I'm with him, everything just clicks.. he tells me that if i need him at any time to just call, and to not care what time it is. He tells me that he's there for me, and can really mean what he says when he's talking to me. We may be in the same emo boat, but he's handling it like he would've wanted someone to handle it with him. he's the reason why i do what i do, though... when i see him, i freak inside, and i just want to be in his arms, but i know that i can't... the reason being you may ask? I have a boyfriend. Sure, Matt's nice and all, but he;s really not helping me with my attacks. when i see him, he just gives me a sad look that says "i wish you wouldn't cut, it makes me sad"... but wen Jeff looks at me he's saying "I don't want to see you go down the road that i have traveled, I'll help you, but I need you to try and stop" Jeff and I have a lot of stuff in common, too, and through everything that I've put him through, i know that he still cares about me the way that i care about him. and now, all of a sudden, my mum starts to care about what I'm doing, or about my feelings... when the hell did she start to care about what i did???!!!!!!

whatever... i really don't want this shit... i want to be in Jeff's arms, to smell him again, and i know that he wants it too, i just need to figure out what I'm gonna do with Matt...... i can't just dump him, because that would tear me apart even more... I can't think of another way to deal with my pain, though... i have a lot of issues... don't judge me.

Emo

My arm turning red and raw
my stomach churning
my heart breaking into a thousand pieces.

My leg throbbing from the cuts
no blood, but it still hurts
can't wrap my head around this problem
just want it to end

Want it to solve itself
and have the monster inside of me calm
it's awakened at my cut
and now it will never sleep

Wanting you to know how i feel
but not wanting you near
wanting to be with another
one who understands my pain

no one knowing how i feel
no one thinking about my feelings
everyone thinking that they know how i feel
everyone trying to "fix me"

The world is killing my feelings
taking and walking all over them

Daddy... Why???

Dear Daddy,

You've been gone for 8 years now. That's half of my life, and you've never seen the important things in my life. You abandoned me to live a life that made me think that i wasn't good enough. You left me, you selfish bastard, and i hate you for it. What did you think that you were going to solve by going and leaving me forever? You thought that you were doing what was best for me, but really you've destroyed me inside. You killed me inside. I can't think of what you did, and i can't sing in the chorus without choking up when we sing a song that reminds me of you. Kenny Loggins is our songwriter, and i like to imagine that you're singing to me when i play that CD that you used to play me when i was just a baby. I know about my stepsister, and i know how you treated mom. I hate Jeremiah because you hated him. I do things, just because i want to be closer to you. You know that you never got to see me graduate 8th grade, you never got to meet any of my boyfriends, and you're never going to be able to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. Don't worry, though, Jeremiah's not going to. Uncle Peter or Adam is going to walk me down...
I miss you. You never got to see me in my scoli brace, and you never got to meet Jonathan. You won't be there when i go to Prom, and you won't be the person that i talk to when i think about having sex. You going away from me has torn me up inside, and you're never going to see how much it's hurt me. If you could come back for just 5 minutes, i would ask you why... why did you leave me? I was just a little girl when you left. I didn't know how badly i would want to see you when i left for a dance, and you're never going to know how i felt after my first kiss. You missed out on my life, and getting to know a great person. And what about Angela?? I thought that you two would get married?? then i would have a few older siblings... what the hell happened to that idea?? She was crying soooo hard at your funeral and i was probably the only person with a dry eye in the house. You should know that, though, and i think that it's a sign that it's raining tonight. Like the song "Holes in the floor of heaven" you're watching over me, but i don't want you watching over me, i want you breathting down my neck like a REAL father i should have. I love you, but i wish that you hadn't been do damn selfish. I hope that you understand my pain.

~Your Baby

the last 3 months

okay... time for an update... the summer went well, but i didn't see Peter... (btw... we broke up, and then Matt and I started dating... anyway, that's old news. After camp i came home, and that weekend i went to a motorcycle course that i got my permit in. I was wicked upset when i didn't get my license, but I'm going for my license later in the month... both of them, actually. anyway... I'm a Junior this year, and I'm already getting the respect that i deserve. I mean... well... I'm an upper class man this year, so i get some freshmen to do what i say. anyway... Holly came back, for like 2 weeks, and then she got kicked out, at least she hasn't been back for 3 weeks... and the longest that the school can suspend for is 10 school days... i think... it might be a month... which would suck. anyway... she tried to threaten me, but the funny thing was, she was losing her voice, so she couldn't really threaten me and make it scary. Then about 3 weeks ago our school was in the paper for having a "gang" called the ARG (Ass-Raping-Gays to everyone @ school) and we had an assembly today, about it and how we're going to have a "no tolerance policy" now for gangs, or "gang related instances"... i think that it's funny... so... what else has been happening??? My friend Sarah;s engaged, but isn't sure if she wants to see it through (she;s 16) and my b/f Matt and i are on the rocks right now because he heard from a "reliable source" that i made-out with a guy on my bus that i hate... i have no idea how he could even think that I'd do that to him, but I'm just not talking to him right now... Did i say that at the end of last year i was all confused about what guy i wanted to date, and ended up breaking-up with Jeff to be with Matt?? well... now you know. I'm also going to be in "The Crucible" for Drama this fall, and the show is the 1st weekend in November. I guess that's everything that's happening in my life, besides what i;m going to post after this. Love You All!!

~Baby

what's been happenin

OMG!!!! soooo much has been happening in the last few months...alright... March... nothing else happened... other than what i told you about already. April... ummm... school... oh!! Annie! my school performed the musical Annie near the middle of the month. that was fun. oh, and guys... ok... Peter's out, Matt was in, but now is out again, because Jeff and I are back together (look @ december). It was during Annie that we really re-connected, and now we're back on. I really care about him a lot, not that i didn't care about Matt or Peter, cause i did, i just really feel like everything's right with the world right now. I'm 16, I have a b/f who adores me, and i'm passing all of my classes. Anyway... that's about all that happened in April. And now for last month. Whew... that went by fast... i turned 16 on the last sunday, and that's all i really remember about May. I got a new cell, my aunt sent me a kimono, and i did good in all of my classes. If i get a B in geometry this semester... i'll be on the honor roll... i haven't been on that in like 3 years... ya... 6th grade... so 4 years... i do a lot of these "..." but i like it. it lets you know that there's a pause. Anyway... So now for what's happened in the last week. since finals are coming up... i've been freaking out a little bit, but my theater final is done, and i'm working on my history final too. I really hope that i do good on my finals. I guess that that's all i have to say... I "heart" my b/f, and i'm doing great in school. Everything's good in my world. I hope that you like the update...

~Baby

OH!!!! I almost forgot... I GAVE BLOOD! on the 31st. I'm 16 now so i can give blood if my guardian consents. and my mum did. I felt great... and was happy that i did it. i was so excited because it's like the first thing that i did as a 16-year-old. That's it yall...

you have to check this out

www.lost.eu/3080f

check this out... it's pretty cool.

also... I'll give you a run-down of what I've been up to lately. well... the 1 Act festival was cancelled, so my school performed our act on Thursday night after the music thing. Then after i got into a fight.. again... ( i didn't start it.) i was sick on Wednesday of this week, and missed school. Then today i was stressed out that the person that i got into the fight with was back, but it was all cool... i guess that that's all. not much has been happening here. oh... my dad's moving back in... but that's a whole other post... another day I'll tell you everything.

oh... and Peter... I'm SO sorry that i haven't talked to you lately.. I've just been really busy, and you know that your phone at home can call out and tell me to call you... you do know that... right?? anyway...


out all, and have fun without me.

Until I post again.

i can't believe how nervous i was over nothing.  I mean if i was really going to be this nervous than i might have not even bothered.  auditions were a lo worse in middle school than they were in high-school 1 acts.  ha ha i just heard a funny quoteon Family guy.  
Peter: "Holy crip, he's a crapple!" 

Decieved (prologe)

Every time that she thought of him, and what he had meant to her, she started to feel the water-works start to come on. She knew that she had to be brave, but how brave could you be when you had been stood up at the alter. Sitting in the dimly lit chapel, still in her designer dress, she began to wonder what she ever saw in John to begin with. Sure he had been at the top of his class at Harvard, but what else did he do for her? He was never home, he was never loving, and when he was home and being loving, he was never too good in that department. (Ladies, you should know what I'm saying.) He wasn't even that cute, but for some reason she loved him, and he had said that he loved her.
What he said, and what he did were totally different things. According to her brother, and the Best Man, he had gotten cold feet and had fled to Europe with their young, busty travel agent who always wore short skirts and low-cut tops. That was probably how they had gotten such a nice honeymoon. They had had it all planned out. They were going to go to Venice for a week, and then they were going to jet off to London for another week. Then a hop, skip, and a jump through Paris, Rome, and Edinburgh. Then they were going to get on a plane, in first class, and go to the spa together. All together they were going to be gone for a month.
"Well, I guess that Vivian and John will be going on our honeymoon, and I guess that I can't feel sorry for myself any more."
Walking out of the chapel she held her head high, and began to start plans for her new life. Without a man.

I Think I Love You!

I think that i'm in love with Peter.  I'm not sure, but i really like him, and when we were at the mall this past weekend it just felt right.  I mean I would choose places, and he would choose places, and we just totally clicked.  plus our first kiss wasn't the most perfect placed, but it was wonderful.  I can't wait untill we get to have some real alone time together. Also, even though he wanted to spend a ton of money on me I was happy even when he didn't.  If we just went onto a store and were in each other's company.  I'm sooooooo pissed, though, because even though i had a digital camera there we didn't take one picture of us.  I really would have liked a few pics to show to my friends.  Oh, did I say that i saw Jess, Molly, and Nick there too?? well I did.  I even introduced them to Peter as my boyfriend and they seemed to like him, but I'll have to wait till Tuesday to hear their real verdict on their feelings over him.  Right now i can's stop thinking about this past summer and how there were soooo many signs, but i was just too wanting him to do something big to notice.  oh, ya...  i  liked peter this summer, and so did my friend, but it turns out that peter liked me too, but he just wouldn't put a move on me because we were at a church camp.  also one of the councelors was waching us like a hawk.  lol.  but... ya.  being with peter just feels right.  i don't know if i can call it love just let, but i am totally in like with him.  head-over-heels in like or even luv with Peter Griffin.  

I just hope that the feeling's mutual.

Caio!

~Baby

ugh :/

There's something wrong with me.  I hate to say this but I keep on seeing my ex (the 2 year-er) and I keep on replaying the last time that I saw him.  I was so happy, and I can't help to wonder if I did the right thing.  I mean I AM happy now, but I can't help wondering, what if... 

I mean it's not like i'm not happy right now with my b/f that i have now.  I'm VERY happy, I've just been very confused lately.  I think once I see Peter these memories will go away.  I guess that since I've gone a whole year without Jon I'm just starting to miss it.  All of the drawings that he sent me I threw out, except for a few that i really like, but I still miss it.  Waiting for a letter from him, and once I got it, showing it to my friends and having them ooh, and aah over the mushy stuff that he said.  And then there was the writing back to him and then the cycle went on.  

Peter means a lot to me, but he has to know that there will always be a special place in my heart for Jon because he was my first love.  Hopefully Peter will make himself comfortable in my insecurities and come to have a special place in my heart for him too.  

I guess that's all i have to say.  I'm just confused about everything right now, and I really hope that you understand, Peter.  

ok

you all need to go to this website, and comment on my pics.


http://community.webshots.com/album/556927202TlXnME



ya... i realy hope that you all like them.

if you leave a racy comment and you're not a chick you WILL get beat by my boyfriend.
ttyl8r!

Caio!

~Baby

oh my gosh!!

it's another year, and it went by sooo fast.  i mean i can't believe that last year i remember who i was, and i 've changed sooo much in just one year.  i would like to tell everyone, if anyone, who reads my blog that i am soooo sorry that i haven't written in a while.  just sooo much has happened.  last you heard from me i got the summer job.  well... i''m working there next year too, and i couldn't be happier.  in November i took drivers ed, and i got my permit.  i also got a really great new friend a few months ago.  Wow.  the summer went by really fast, you know devotionals, activities, and work all went by really fun and fast.  i'm really into "Rent" and "Wicked" right now, and it's all thanks to my job, and all of the really cool people that i met there.  i miss my American.  lol.  don't ask.  ya.. things have been pretty boring around here.  I got a part time job cleaning cars, and i got my permit, but haven't been working lately because the person that i work with got her permit too, so my cash flow has been from pretty steady to none at all all in one fell swoop.  anyway... i've got a new bf, and i really like him.  he lives close by and he is soooo funny.  anyway i better go now.  

Caio all!

~Baby