Ankle

Insomnia sucks... having the dread of 4am and not even having the thought of sleeping cross your mind being brought on by yourself sucks even more.

I recently sprained my ankle. A really bad sprain as well, because I haven't been to work all week. In reading a friend's blog, it made me realize that this summer has gone by and I haven't even thought of this blog. This blog that was once my only safe-haven. This blog that used to help me cope through the evils in my mind and celebrate the euphoric if sometimes manic days of my life.

If you haven't already guessed this, I seem to mostly write here now when I'm depressed or upset. These last couple weeks I've felt myself going downhill. I don't know if it's because the summer is coming to an end, or if I miss Norm, but I just haven't been feeling like myself. To top everything off, this past week I haven't been able to work because of my sprained ankle so I've been ruminating over my life and what I'm doing with it. I feel like I'm in a rut. Go to work, work, go home, cook dinner, shower, go to bed, repeat. I thought that this summer I would be doing more, but that's all been a bust. That and I was only able to see my mother once this summer, and my boyfriend twice. Everything is too expensive for me to be able to do anything other than work and work and, oh, did I mention WORK.

I've also been thinking about my relationship a lot these past few weeks. Not that I want to end it, because I Love Norm a LOT, but I just don't feel like he is able to reciprocate sometimes what I feel. I mean, I send a text that says "I Love You!" and what do I get back? "ILY" or simply "<3". It's not like his texting charges him by the character. I would like something along the same lines. I just almost feel like he's blowing me off sometimes, and if he really does care about me as much as he says he does, then why doesn't it always show. I'm not asking for him to gush, but simply wondering why he doesn't at least just say "I Love You Too!" or something... Why does it always have to be just the shortest, least amount possible from him sometimes?

And it's not just with the texts, either. When he's been online at all in the past couple weeks, we've talked for maybe 10 minutes, and then he's had something else to do. I'm not asking for a lot of time, at least I didn't think I was, it's just... if he's online, that should mean that he's available, or he wouldn't/shouldn't sign on. If I even just don't want to talk to people, I go offline on FBChat, that way I can do what I want around the house, with friends, whatever the situation may call for, and not be interrupted or cutting a conversation short by 1 out of 500 D&D Games, or a Magic game, or whatever else it is. I'm not saying that I want him to give me all of his time, and I'm NOT saying that I don't want him to spend time with his friends and have fun, I'm just saying that I want a little time for him to set aside to talk to me without doing something else, or having to rush off 5 minutes into the conversation to go do something. Whatever... I guess I'm just being moody and clingy... as usual...

That's it for now... I'm starting to get... eh...

Night

Your Call

"I was born to tell you "I Love You", and I am torn to do what I have to; to make you mine, stay with me tonight."

So are some of the beginning lyrics of my new favorite song "Your Call" by Secondhand Serenade.

It calms me, steadies my thoughts, makes me stop thinking about Jay all day, all night, every minute that I'm dreaming, every moment that I let my mind wander even if just for a moment. It stops me from thinking about him and lets me/makes me think about something else; anything else besides Jay. I know that I have to get over him, but it's just So hard when everything that I do makes my mind wander to him. I'm worse than a toddler in a candy store or toy store... I know that it hurts Norm when I talk about missing Jay, but I really do think that I love him, at least I'm committed to him. That's what he has right now, my commitment, and that's all I think I can really give him.

I've come to realize how clingy he really is, because tonight I'm not really in the mood for it, and I haven't been in the mood for the past 2 days; but he's still adamant about wanting to hold my hand all the time and wanting to be all kissy in public. I was okay with us doing that for the first couple weeks of our relationship so that people could come up to us and ask if we were seeing each other, but now I'm over that phase in the relationship, and I don't know if he's going to get out of it...

It might just be because that's what I did with Jay, but I liked how it was. I need my own space, and it's not like he HAS to be close, it's not like I'm just not going to be there at night in his bed, cuddling with him. Idk... maybe it's just in my head, because I know that I push the intimacy thing sometimes during the day, but sometimes it seems like he just pushes it a little more than I do... I think that tonight is the perfect test of how he can learn to not be clingy when I don't want to be. I mean, I just don't want to be clingy tonight because not only is Jay here, but Danni is here as well. On their own, separate, I can handle them... it's when they're together that it's really hard for me...

Tonight makes me want to drive; fast and reckless. It makes me want to go somewhere fast, and maybe not get back. Not technically saying that I want to die, but a coma sounds pretty good right now. No job prospects, so I don't know where I'm living this summer, and I'm hopelessly in love with a guy who won't have a job during the summer and he's okay with that, and that bothers me.

Idk... tonight is just hard for me... possibly has to to a little with the fact that I forgot my meds today as well... but the less I see Jay; the better... hopefully he leaves soon...

today...

Shaking, Trembling, really... Rise against in the background, Foreground, All Ground. Don't really know what to think of everything today. Realized that my mother is the only person keeping me alive right now, and even then, the urge today is almost too strong... already cut twice today... okay, I really just dug my ring into my thigh till it broke skin, but when I don't have anything else to "cut" with, it'll have to do... Been shaking since Abnormal Psych... Think it had to do with the topic today... Mood disorders. So first I was thinking of Daddy and his depression, and me and mine, and then again with the thinking of people with Gram and BiPolar... (oh ya, Gram died last month). But ya... It just really was a HUGE trigger today, and I'm wishing that I had skipped class, but I don't think that I could have brought myself to do that. I just... I care so much about my Psych classes that I don't think that I could ever really skip them unless I was really feeling sick, and even then, I'm pretty sure I would just medicate and continue on. My head has been pounding for the last 2 days, so I think I've expected this to be coming on, but I didn't think that it would be to this extreme. I mean, Mum really is the ONLY person/thing keeping me from killing myself with a good, well-done overdose. Today I was thinking of what I would put in my note, and I've been shaking on and off for about 2 weeks... my wrist itches to be spliced open, but my body knows that it won't happen there... my leg, and possibly torso this time... they will feel the sweet, sweet release of my pin tonight. I can't hold it back any more... I was writing "cut cut cut" in the margins of my notes the other day in Social Psych... I've been fixating on it for a while, I just really need to either get high, or cut... either way I'll go flying tonight, which is what I really need. I need a good fly in the almost-spring night to clear my head. As Rise Against goes deeper and deeper into my cerebellum, I just keep thinking about the sweet release that only a pin and clear skin can give me... Oh! to see the crimson rubies drip down my leg and pool on the floor before I clean it up. Oh! to feel the release that only that can give me. No drug can really get me as high as that, and no amount of sex or bodily pleasure could ever even come close to getting me to feel as wonderful as having my skin opened again and again by a small, discreet friend who knows just how deep I need to go, and can get me there Every time without fail.

Stronger!

Things crumbled a little after my last post, but now I feel like they're stronger than ever, and can only get better, and go up from here...

so... what happened was Jay got scared because I told him that I was falling in Love with him and he broke up with me because he didn't think that he was/could be feeling the same way for me. He broke me that day, and when I was crumbling and crying he held me and then started to cry as well when he was saying goodbye.

I didn't have to work the couple days after that, and I didn't really leave my room/bed that much... I just kept thinking about Jay and where I went wrong/if i went wrong somewhere. I was really glad when my friend Aaron got me out of the dorm and into the Comp Club, and he was good enough to bring me in when Jay wasn't in there. Jay and I talked each night, and after 2 days of him thinking, he decided that he wanted me back. Because of how I feel about Jay, and about how much I had been thinking about everything, and how I have always been known to give second chances I told him to pick me up outside my dorm in 15 minutes.

He was there, and I asked him after we had talked some stuff out if I had a Jay back, and he said Yes! So now Jay and I are back together, and I think that we're doing even better than ever! I now know what I need to say when I want something, and Jay knows what to say if he needs something from me as well. This is just such a better go at our relationship now, and I'm SOOOO HAPPY!!

I just REALLY had to get that out. And now there's more Happiness to follow!! :)

Sooo...

Ya... Falling... I think I've done it. I think I've fallen in love with Jay... or at least am falling. I'm just terrified that he won't feel the same way. The poem was basically everything that I've been feeling the past few days. I really would like to just have some solidarity or some knowledge about how he feels. I'm just not sure how to ask him about it without sounding like a child... which I'll admit, I still am...

Idk... I just don't want to go back to myself being "bad". I just really need to keep staying good, and with Jay, it's really easy to stay good, but he understands that I'm going to slip up a little every once in a while, so he's "supportive" silently. He understands what I'm feeling without me even having to say anything, and I both love that, and am terrified by that. I guess that's really all I have to say...

Just more of the usual I guess...
I'm just REALLY happy these days as well... and a LOT of that is from Jay... some of that is from being medicated these days as well...

Falling?

I don't want to sound like every other worn-out cliche.
I don't want to open myself up to you more if you aren't feeling the same way.
I'm scared of getting hurt, and I feel like I've fallen for you more than you have for me.
I'm scared of telling you how I feel because I don't want to be told you don't feel the same way.
If I told you I Love You, what would you say?
If I told you I think I Love You, would you react differently?
I don't think I can just "go with the flow" any more.
I want a little something more.
I want to know how deep you are into me.
I want to know how much I mean to you.
I want to know because I think I love you, but I'm too scared to say it out loud because I've been hurt so many times in the past.
You make me feel SO Good, I don't want to think about how easily you could destroy me now in my fragile state.
You have the upper hand in this relationship, because you are the solid one.
You are the one who knows what they want out of life.
I don't want to sound like every worn-out cliche, but I don't want to open myself up to you more if you aren't feeling the same way.

After The Panix

So... I slept Amazingly the night after my last post... the panic attack lasted for a good hour and a half. Then I texted Jay and between his classes he came to the comp club and just held me. It felt really good for him to just hold me and make me feel safe again. I had gone to my room and laid down to try and get over everything, and it helped. I also almost fell asleep a little bit, so I was really happy that I'm feeling better. I still start to get shaky a little bit these past couple days, but then I just look at Jay, or give him a hug, and it stops.

He and I were talking last night, and I told him that I have daddy, commitment, and abandonment issues. He didn't bat an eyelash. I'm so glad that he is able to recognize that I've got some really horrible demons, and he also is over the stupid drama from like high-school, so he's JUST what I need right now. I really like him as well, which always helps. He He He. ;-)

He and I were also talking about how even though he scares me because he can read me so well, I was glad to hear that things scare him as well... like the fact that he always knows the Perfect thing to say, but it's always when he doesn't mean to say it. Idk, I just had to say that I was doing better... In fact, I'm doing Great right now... I just need to not think about my Ex any more, because he is possibly my worst trigger that I've ever found...

Panix

I've been thinking a lot about my past relationships, and I really can't help thinking about how I've messed up all of my past ones. I'm terriffied that I'm going to really mess up the Great thing that I"ve got going with Jay. I trust him, and he calms me more than anyone that i know ever could... but thinking about messing it up... i start to panic attack... it's NOT good. my hands start to shake, my neck and jaw tenses, and my legs get sooo antsy, i don't know what to do...

I hate panic attacks... but I really don't know what to do other than "power through them". I can't put my life on stand-still every time I get one, because They sometimes last for hours... ... ... Breathe.... Just breathe... focus on the task at hand... try not to draw attention to myself... Breathe.... think about good things... don't get scared... change iPod to playlist for this...
Hld Your Breathe, Make a wish, count to three... kenny Loggins... relaxing... Mother Ocean... Jimmy Buffett... calming... Just put your head down and not freak out... just try and stay calm... try and relax. try and focus on the task of typing this blog out. Process things. why am I freaking? because once I start, it's soo hard to stop... what started it? THinking about messing it up with Jay. Why would i mess it up? Because i always seem to for one reason or another...

nope...

put head down...

breathe...

go sit in comfy chair...

try and stop shaking...

sleep.

Idiots

Why do drivers think that just because they're in the car it makes them big and tough?

I'm about to cross the road AT The crosswalk outside my dorm, and I can see this SUV and they're driving TOO Fast on the 25 Mph road. I'm in a black coat against WHITE Snow! You don't stop because you're too much of an asshole, and then when i flip you off because you could see me, you stop short and harass me! There is NO need for that. You say that you couldn't see me, well, I'm in a light jeans and black jacket combo. Those 2 colors are the safest to be going around in, because if you can't see my light wash jeans against the dark pavement, then you'll be able to see my black coat against the SNOW that is on the ground that is Pure White.

I think that if you can see someone in the crosswalk and choose to speed up so that you don't stop, (and I was waiting right where the crosswalk started, so if you hadn't stopped, you would have been paying MY Medical bills, and I would have sued you so you would have been paying ALL of my university bills from not will I get my PhD) you deserve to be flipped off. I do it ALL the time, so don't think that you're special. You also don't need to start screaming at me that you'll "break my fingers" and such. If I had wanted to, I could have taken down your license number and called the cops because You threatened ME. I didn't think you were worth it, though, so I didn't bother wasting my time. I had something to do which is why I was outside in the cold to begin with.

This rant just Had to happen, because I'm sick of stupid people Not stopping at the crosswalk on campus when I'm going to cross the street. Especially if it's young people. If it's an older driver, I honestly don't mind letting them go, but if it's someone young/middle aged, they need to stop, and if they don't, I flip them off. I sometimes mumble under my breath "d-bag" but that was honestly the FIRST time I've ever had someone stop their car and get out to yell at me about it. Also; I'm sorry, but you don't get to pull the " I didn't see you" card. I've been dealt that enough, so I'm not going to take it any more.

If you don't see me under the streetlight, in the road, with the aforementioned clothing on, you shouldn't be driving at night because you're blind as a bat.

P.S. You looked and sounded like a drunk redneck...

S.O.S.

Wow... just had a major freak-out...

Before that I was writing in my journal about how I don't like to be weak...

I've been writing in a journal instead of blogging because my ex was reading this, but I'm pretty sure he is done stalking me, so I'm writing on here to talk about other things that I don't write about in my journal, or about the same things, just after I've put my journal away.

SO... I guess the reason I'm writing now is because I just had a major freak out that started with me writing and ended with me having a slight panic attack with lots to cutting with my trusted safety pin...

I really wish that I was over that, but I guess I'm really not. I've been writing a lot about how I like being miserable... and I'm not sure what it all really means, but I know that Jay makes me "happy"/not think about that as much, so I'm going to stay with him for now to see how things go. I think that they'll turn out really good, I just need to get over my stupid shit...

I just Had to write it out... Not Traz and Bed...