The Perfect Boyfriend:

When she pushes you or hits you like a retard because she thinks shes stronger than you:
[ Grab her and don't let go ]


When she starts cursing at you trying to act all tough:
[ Kiss her and tell her you love her ]


When she's quiet:
[ Ask her whats wrong ]


When she ignores you:
[ Give her your attention ]


When she pulls away:
[ Pull her back ]


When you see her at her worst:
[ Tell her she's beautiful ]


When you see her start crying:
[Just hold her and don't say a word ]


When you see her walking:
[ Sneak up and hug her waist from behind ]


When she's scared:
[ Protect her ]


When she steals your favorite hoodie:
[ Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night]


When she teases you:
[ Tease her back and make her laugh ]


When she doesn't answer for a long time:
[ reassure her that everything is okay ]


When she looks at you with doubt:
[ Back yourself up ]


When she says that she loves you:
[ she really does more than you could understand ]


When she grabs at your hands:
[ Hold hers and play with her fingers ]


When she bumps into you with her big ass hips ;)
[ bump into her back and make her laugh ]


When she tells you a secret:
[ keep it safe and untold ]


When she looks at you in your eyes:
[ don't look away until she does ]


- Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything.


- When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go.


- When she says she's OK don't believe it, talk with her.


- because 10 yrs later she'll remember you.


- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her.


- Treat her like she's all that matters to you.


- Stay up all night with her when she's sick.


- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think it's stupid.


- Give her the world.


- Let her wear your clothes.


- When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.


- Let her know she's important.


- Kiss her in the pouring rain.


- When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is;
"Who's ass am I kicking baby?"



I thought that this was sweet, so i copied it off of Myspace, and put it on here... with a few minor adjustments. So... everything has been happening so fast, i guess I've just gotten swept up in the rush of it all... so... Friday... Matt and i broke up... and i felt really good about it because He and i are sort-of back together... it's not official yet, but I'm his, and he's mine... we are sort of "getting away from our problems" but it;s by following our hearts, not our heads that we can do this... i love him, and i always have... since the first time i said it to Him... I've always meant it... and always will... i love how i feel right now, because it seems like everything is in the right place now... I'm not fighting with anyone, i am loved, i am in love, i feel safe, i am free to be me (that's a big one) and I'm genuinely happy, which i can't say i have been for a while... it felt like when i was with Matt, i was always trying to be good for him... i felt like his little china doll, that couldn't ever get a scratch... but now that I'm with Jeff... i know that I'm not made of glass, but of something stronger... and i can mess up every once in a while, i just have to be truthful about it... and that doesn't meant that i can cheat on him, tell him about it, and then it's all OK... no... it means that if i cut, or i do something stupid like that, that i tell him, and he'll hold me, and lie to me and tell me that everything will be OK, even if we're going into an Armageddon...

i love this feeling... and i hope that it never goes away.

i'm sad

ok... so... i'm finally letting myself admit that i love Him, and Matt... i don't know what i should do... because He knows that i love Matt too... but Matt doesn't know, and will NEVER know that i still love him... I just really am at a loss for words... and i'm shaking, my throat is closing up... i just really badly want a hug, from Him, but i know that he's not that wanting to talk to me right now... and i guess i deserve it... but he tells me not to love him, and i can't stop loving him... i just wish that we could go back to last night, and have me get of the net before anything happened... because it seems like that would've been a lot easier...

to stop him when we were fighting about how he's "not kawaii"... would have been so simple... but i wanted to see how far it would go... i wanted to feel that rush from him... but i guess i'll never know that feeling again... i'm just sick to my stomach, and i think that he might have done something stupid... i just want to be there with him... and hold him... and then drive away with him... away from all of our problems, away from all of the other people that would pass judgement on us... i just want to load up my car and drive away "off into the sunset" with Him at my side, MCR blaring...

What's going on...

What's going on with me? What's going on in my life that makes me text Him in a desperate attempt to try and get everything straightened out. Why can't I know what's the matter, yet I know in the pit of my stomach that something... no... Everything is going wrong... I feel like I'm losing control over my life... and it makes me feel horrid... I hate it when I can't take control and make everything better. I just want to curl up into a little ball, or drive off into the night, and forget about every single bad thing that's going on in my life... I just hate this... if i keep typing... i'm just gonna end up repeating the same stuff again and again... so... i just feel like i'm out of control and i want to just get out of all of my trouble...

Christmas
A time to be thankfull that a bastard child was born.  A time to think that we're special... A time to be nice to everyone... A time to act like everything in the world is fine, even if it's not... 

so... over the past few days i haven't really done anything... oh... but i did tell my mum about my suicidal thoughts, and she didn't do shit about it... just like i knew she'd do... she was concerned for about 5 minutes... and then just dismissed it like it never happened... and then in my stocking this morning... she gave me a POCKET KNIFE!!!
how stupid do you have to be to give someone who you know to be suicidal a knife... that's small enough to be snuck anywhere?... pretty damn stupid...  
anyway... after that i got a car, and all was forgiven... 

Anyway... back to the x-mas thing... why do people feel that this "is the most wonderfull time of the year"?... there are more deaths, suicides, and crashes than any other time of the year... and it's a completly commercialized holiday now... i find it very sad that people don't have to go to work, so they can spend all day sitting on their asses, surrounded by their SHIT that they got in their stockings that morning... or that "santa" gave them... i think that the world needs to have a year without gifts, and just remember that this time of year is to celebrate Christ coming to earth... It's a time of year where we sould humble ourselves, not raise ourselves up on a pedistle of gifts that we're going to eventually throw away, re-gift, or lose, then throw out... i guess all of my holiday cheer is gone... with the fact that i'm  officially depressed... and no one cares, except for Matt... 

~Baby

IDIOT!

i feel like such an idiot... Jeff and i talked all day... and i blew off Matt... not on purpose, but i did... anyway... after talking to Matt on the phone around 5:15... my night got a little worse because he was being an insensitive ass... anyway... after telling Jeff... and him making me feel better, and telling Matt that i didn't want to talk to him any more tonight because he had a bad day, and was taking it out on me... anyway... after Jeff made me feel better... and he gets off for the night, he goes onto his blog, and wrote out the story of Cain and Abel... at the end of it... he wrote that he didn't care about me, and that he didn't want anything to do with me again... so... i texted him... and we got into this "fight" and he said that because he didn't want to make things worse, but now he sees that he doesn't give a fuck about me... then i told him that he made my day go nicely, and he turns around and gives me the "taking candy from a baby" bit... and says that he won't reply to any of my texts, or anything... so i don't know where we're going to be in a few weeks... but Matt's right... we're being like a yoyo... going up and down with our Talking/not talking modes... i guess that i really just can't do this anymore... 

Toxic Kiss Reply

Reading Toxic Kiss
It made me realize
that as i may be dead
i'm still human in his eyes
he might still care,
but never how he did before
Matt is really pissed
because we're just knocking on the same door
knocking on the door, 
that leads straight to hell
into my personal cirle
to that place that dries the well
it comes up hard, and fast
then goes away just as quick
today i think i felt my heart break
and i really hated it
the stabbing that i felt
in my inner chest
was really scaring me.

it scared me because
i thought it would break all together
and to put it back, would be hell
and i'm not sure i'm ready for that again... 

I Hate This

This is how i feel my relationship with 'Him' is...
it used to be something beautiful, and something that some people envied... our friendship was important to me... but now... it's dead... and is just another thing that has died in my life... nothing will ever go right for me... I feel like I'm destined to live my life without feeling like the world revolves around me... i feel like whenever i get close enough to feel me doing that to my self, or to someone else... i do something stupid that completely shoots me far out to left field... it's just like i can't be what people expect from me... and as much as i don't want to... i always end up hurting those around me...

maybe I'm just better off not living, not breathing, not taking up space... it makes the most sense... i would have killed myself a log time ago... if it weren't for Matt... he loves me, and i love him... he's the only thing that's going right in my life these days... He isn't talking to me, but i still can't help feeling completely safe between the two of them... i know that he would probably screw me over like i have done to him so many times before, but i still trust him with my life... why do people do that?

Why do people trust those who can probably hurt them the most? i mean... why do i still love Him... when i know that i shouldn't... why does my heart break every time that i see Him laugh, or even crack a genuine smile... why do i obsess about that dream that i had? and keep having... ya... i dreamt it again last night... i just chose not to tell Matt... because he doesn't like me talking about Him... i still love Him... but it's just as a friend... i know that I've said that about Matt... but i did some real soul searching today... and I realized something... I can't help how i feel... these 2 guys both have rooms in my heart... it just happens that Matt has a more lavish room, but Jeff is comfortable in his room too... i don't know... i guess i should get to sleep... because as it nears 11 o'clock at night, i find myself hoping that i have skool tomorrow... whatever...

~Baby

Bordom sinks in

i don't know what to do with myself these days... i feel like nothing is going right, except Matt... other than him... everything in my life is hell.  Jeff won't talk to me, in fact he's not even reading this any more... and my parents are being total asswipes... i just can't stand anyone any more... most weekends i stay in my room, and surf the internet, but when my stepdad unplugged the internet the other night... i ihad nothing else to do... so i went to bed... without dinner... i really just want something to happen... anything besides a fight with my parents... but it's not like amything like that is going to happen... i just really hope that we have skool tomorrow... because i really just want everything to go back to normal... 

I mean it... i'm so bored that i've spent all of my time on familyguynow.com... now i'm not saying that it's a bad thing that i'm catching up on my Peter Griffin... but i really just want to do something with a bit of substance... it was either that ot Scrubs... but i watched that yesterday... 

it gets me thinking about what we talked about in Wellness the other day... about suicidal people going through with it because they are bored... but i think it's just because we're all fucked up in the head... my gram's bi-polar... doesn't that shit like skip a generation?? cuz that would explain a lot... oh well... i guess i should just go back to my watching T.V. on the net... 

~Baby

Love

Feeling my man's warmpth against my skin
is the best feeling i've had since 'him'...
to feel his love, through my clothes,
makes me shiver from my head to my toes
i can't help it, because i know
that in the morning he'll be there to hold.

Smelling his scent, it makes me high
one sniff, and i know that i can fly
i can fly without fear of falling
because he'll be there calling
to make sure i'm safe, and hold me tight
and to love me every single night.

Seeing his face, makes me blush
my body gets warmer, all in one big rush
i feel the heat, of his loving gaze
it makes me feel like i'm the goal of a maze
my lip curls my mouth, and a smile goes on
but i can't help it, i'm madly in love.

~Baby

Suicide Pt. 2

I can't stand it
the voices going through my head
they're teling me that i'm worthless
that i'm better off to be dead.
These voices are unmistkably
telling me to die.
When I tell him these things,
all he can say is why?
I really don't want to tell him,
that i've been thinking these thoughts for years
To see that look in his eye,
it breaks my heart inside, i know
but for me to let him in,
is just as hard as letting him go.
Keep dreaming of going away,
forever leaving this place.
to get away from every cliche, 
and these reoccurring pains.

When people see that i'm not myself
i shrug it off, and say that i'm just tired
but everyone knows that i'm just killing myself
slowly, from the inside, i feel my body giving up
and my head, heart and soul are following close
i don't know what else to do, 
other than shut them out so they won't die too
Feeling the pills in the closet calling to me,
and the scarf in my room taunting my neck.
The problem with feeling like this, 
and knowing that dad did the same,
is that you're more ready to do it
and it seems more sane.
Than taking a gun and making a mess, 
for some soul to have to pick up.
It's just a mess, that you're not worth, 
so just slipping away is a lot better for everyone
 
a single tear rolls down my cheek, 
as i say goodbye to everyone i love
my future looks so bleak
i tell him it'll never happen again
but i' know that i'll be back here next week
so i'll say goodbye now
to the people i've loved
so that when i'm in heaven
they know that it's them that i'm thinking of.

~Baby

Suicide

The blood running down my leg,
rubies melting into my skin.
Thinking about how to die
suicide becoming more and more therein.
Seeing myself hanging, or collapsed apon the floor
he doesn't like me thinking it
but living seems like a chore.
I can't see the sense in living any more
whenever i try i always screw up.
I'm dying, i can feel it
i'm not just "in a rut" 
my soul is giving up
and my body is starting too...
These aren't normal thoughts,
well... maybe they are, to you.

Mistakes

getting a thought out of your head is hard, especially when it's about someone who will never be ther for you again... no matter how hard you want them to be there...

I had thoughts about my dream all today... and i'm just not sure that i can say goodbye yet... every sorner that i turn... i still remember things that we did... i can see the shadow of him and me, just hanging out, laughing... not even when we were together... just when we were friends... i miss just talking to him about A7X, and stupid Family Guy quotes...

I just want us to be able to talk... but i guess that that's never going to happen... seeing as how i've completly screwed him over 3 times... and you know what the saying is... "Screw me once, shame on me; Screw me twice, shame on you; Screw me three times, shame on you again..." and i've done that... so i guess that you can blame me for everything...

even how there is no oxygen in outer space...

I really can't stand seeing him every day... but i guess that it's my torture for hurting someone that i really thought that i was great friends with... why am i even here, if i just keep hurting all of those around me... and i keep letting down those who build me up to be more than something that i am... i really just can't keep on going on like this... knowing that with every move that i take... it's the wrong one... and that i can never make things right...

~Baby

Do Dreams Mean Anything?

ok... soo... when i woke up this morning i had just woken up from a weird dream... but the end of it was the freakiest part... at the end of the dream... i handed a little girl my cell... and right as i did that... my phone started to ring... and when she opened my phone and started to talk... i could hear who it was... and it was Jeff... and the scariest part about that was in my dream... i had been repeating 7 numbers over and over... and at that moment i figured out that they were his cell phone #...

as the little girl was talking to Jeff... i looked at the girl... and realized that she was me... she was me before anything bad ever happened... she was the me that I've been trying to find... and there she was, plain as day, talking to him... i couldn't hear the conversation on both ends... but it sounded from her side, that he liked talking to her... and that she was happy to finally meet him...

Then i woke up before the call ended... and my laptop was there... so i went online and the first place that i went was to his blog... i doubted that he'd posted anything... but he had... and when i read it... it helped... i don't know why, it just really helped calm my fears that something bad was going to happen... i don't know what it really says about me... but maybe you'll be able to tell me?

~Baby

Friends...

I have no idea what's going on in my life...
I feel like I need to get away...
Go away, and never look back on the faces I once knew...
Or at the love I once shared...
To get away is my one reason to live...
and to run away with him...
to leave everything that we know behind...
and just ride with the moon as our wings...

I don't know where we'll go...
or what we'll do there...
but as long as I'm with him...
I will never care...
I miss him from the moment he's gone...
till the second I see him again...
I don't know what I'd do...
Without my rock, my savior, my friend.


i really just felt like writing something... and i really don't know who it's directed at... but if you think about it... it could be directed towards Matt, which is the obvious one, God... with that savior line... or towards Jeff... because as much as we might not be talking... i still feel like if i was in trouble, and it was just me and him... i still feel like he would help me... at least i hope he would... but if he wouldn't... i understand...

I really don't know what to say to him these days... because as soon as i try and be nice... he lashes out, and he may not realize it... but he hurt me Friday... with just 4 little words... he ruined my entire day... i know that he may not have seen it... or if he really cares... but i had tears in my eyes... because i still want his friendship... but i know that we can never be friends like we were before... not without a lot of "counseling" and talks about what the other really, and truly wants... whether it's best for the other or not... i guess that's why I still have his blog bookmarked... so that if he writes something... i can read it... and hopefully get what he wants me to do about it... if anything... i guess i'm just having a hard time letting go of one of the people that i really and truly do still trust with my life... let him do what he wants with it... because i'm about ready to give up and say hello to Daddy...

I'm Sorry

blood running down my leg
the wound is open, raw, and fresh.
how the cut is raised when it's new. 
it feels good.

Not caring if i ever see light of day
or see my love again
just want to escape from here, 
and never feel pain again.

not sure how it started, 
but i really love the thrill
having him go away hurts more,
but i just want to forget.  

want to forget all the pain from before,
and focus on my leg
my shoulder will also bleed tonight...
but that's another tale


i know that i've hurt you... but i never meant to call you a toxic friend... i meant that our friendship was toxic... and it was us... we were toxic to each other... and only when we were in any type of relationship... you aren't a toxic friend to anyone but me... but i know that that's not true for myeslf... it seems like wherever i go, i always end up hurting people that are near and dear to me... i wish that this wasn't the only way that we could  communicate... but it hurts too much any other way... i'm sorry for that mistake, but mostly... i'm sorry that you hurt yourself because of something that i wrote

we're done!

ya... Jeff and i are no longer talking... and i am actually OK with it... i mean... I'm still going to check his blog... but that's all... no more scathing e-mails, no more hate-filled texts, and no more of this "this is the last time I'm going to contact you" crap.... i really think that I'm going to be OK with this... I was talking to Abby about him earlier in the day... and she agrees with me that he really just is toxic... i know that I'm a toxic friend to him too... so our friendship can never work... no matter how hard we try...


strangely enough... i did one of those stupid "Chinese proverb" bulletins that choke the board on myspace... and it told me to think of 2 people's names, and put them in 2 different spots... i chose Matt and Jeff...

the funny thing is that it said that Matt was the person that i love... and it said that Jeff was the person that i wanted to be friends with/have a relationship with, but it cannot work... if you ask me... that hits the nail on the head

I think that I've finally found people that really truly care about me... and i guess that I've never had that before... i mean... the friends that i had in middle skool were nice... but as soon as one of us said something that the others didn't like... we'd get into a big fight and not talk for weeks... and then we'd get sick of it, and all of a sudden start talking again... I'm still friends with only 1 of those girls... and we still don't talk that much...

When i decided to go to the "different skool" than everyone else... i was happy to get away... but i was also scared... I'd moved a lot before... so i knew all too well what it felt like to be the new kid on campus... but i was totally stretching my boundaries... I'd never met any of these people... and i went from a skool where everyone knew everyone... and every one's business... to just being another face in the wave of freshman...

i got lose really fast, and then i found Matt and Ethan... and it was nice... they spent lunch with me, outside our homeroom... and it was nice to have 2 guys all to myself... and now that i spend more time looking back on that fateful day... i remember that Matt tried to put his arm around me... but i flinched away... because i was wearing my demon brace... and i really didn't feel pretty... but Matt and Ethan carrying me down the hallway... and me blowing a kiss to Ethan, and then kissing Matt on the cheek... i guess that i never even connected those things... whatever... I'm happy with Matt... and without Jeff... and i hope that it stays like that for a while... Tracy and i were also talking about that for a couple minutes today... and she said that we're probably going to work this out, and this time next year... we'll be great friends again... but i really don't care... whatever happens does... I'll just go with the flow...

Hide Behind The Flame

After I saw this picture, I had to write this post. The little girl in this picture, is me... I know... I've never seemed that innocent... but at one time I was... a long time ago, before I met any of the people that i know now, and before my world came crashing down. The flames are all of my problems... and the little girl is just sitting there with this expression on her face like she has no idea what to think of all of it... that's how i was...

i was too shocked to be able to take everything in... so Annabelle showed up (the thing on her knee) and took care of the little girl in me, and she's bee there fighting off the flames for as long as i can remember... but I'm realizing that I've got to push Annabelle away, and try and survive in the flames as myself... if i die, so be it, but i might live... and that's the tiny hope that I'm doing this for... I'm trying to push her away for the tiniest hope that I'll make it out of this fire alive...

I know that this probably doesn't mean anything to anyone else... but him leaving tore me apart in ways that no one will ever know... and i think that i've finally got all of the pieces back... so now i've got to start piecing them back together till i find the real me that i lost so long ago...