Your Call

"I was born to tell you "I Love You", and I am torn to do what I have to; to make you mine, stay with me tonight."

So are some of the beginning lyrics of my new favorite song "Your Call" by Secondhand Serenade.

It calms me, steadies my thoughts, makes me stop thinking about Jay all day, all night, every minute that I'm dreaming, every moment that I let my mind wander even if just for a moment. It stops me from thinking about him and lets me/makes me think about something else; anything else besides Jay. I know that I have to get over him, but it's just So hard when everything that I do makes my mind wander to him. I'm worse than a toddler in a candy store or toy store... I know that it hurts Norm when I talk about missing Jay, but I really do think that I love him, at least I'm committed to him. That's what he has right now, my commitment, and that's all I think I can really give him.

I've come to realize how clingy he really is, because tonight I'm not really in the mood for it, and I haven't been in the mood for the past 2 days; but he's still adamant about wanting to hold my hand all the time and wanting to be all kissy in public. I was okay with us doing that for the first couple weeks of our relationship so that people could come up to us and ask if we were seeing each other, but now I'm over that phase in the relationship, and I don't know if he's going to get out of it...

It might just be because that's what I did with Jay, but I liked how it was. I need my own space, and it's not like he HAS to be close, it's not like I'm just not going to be there at night in his bed, cuddling with him. Idk... maybe it's just in my head, because I know that I push the intimacy thing sometimes during the day, but sometimes it seems like he just pushes it a little more than I do... I think that tonight is the perfect test of how he can learn to not be clingy when I don't want to be. I mean, I just don't want to be clingy tonight because not only is Jay here, but Danni is here as well. On their own, separate, I can handle them... it's when they're together that it's really hard for me...

Tonight makes me want to drive; fast and reckless. It makes me want to go somewhere fast, and maybe not get back. Not technically saying that I want to die, but a coma sounds pretty good right now. No job prospects, so I don't know where I'm living this summer, and I'm hopelessly in love with a guy who won't have a job during the summer and he's okay with that, and that bothers me.

Idk... tonight is just hard for me... possibly has to to a little with the fact that I forgot my meds today as well... but the less I see Jay; the better... hopefully he leaves soon...